Notes From BreakUp Land-breakup advice for those who know better

New Site!

2010-12-28T05:56:00.000-08:00

I have a new site at breakup-coach.com which from now on will be the main location for all content and features I offer as The BreakUp Coach.

CHECK OUT THE NEW SITE HERE

It's got some pretty cool features, like free sendable breakup-themed eCards, individualized e-coaching programs sent directly from me to you, and an "Ask the BreakUp Coach" column where you can send me your questions. I wanted to create a place where you would be able to really use the features to connect with me and with others to get even more support--and I'm excited to share it.

The new site also has lots of articles with advice and info on breakups, including both new articles those that are posted here on the original site, as well as a new blog. I hope you enjoy it, and thanks for your support and interest.

And hey, you can also find me on Facebook and Twitter for unique and up-to-the-minute info and updates.

Thanks again!

Independently Yours,

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Internet -- Erase Your Ex from Your Online Life

2010-07-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of my advice article on Dealing With Your Life Online during a breakup, there's a new application you can use to virtually erase any presence or reminders of your ex as you interact in the online world via Facebooking, Tweeting, internet seatches, etc.

Ex-Blocker will help you forget what's-his-name a little sooner by erasing the evidence of his existence all in one easy step.

But if you happen to go to work or school with your ex, you'll have to keep practicing ignoring him on your own, at least until they invent make-your-ex-invisible glasses.

Don't Answer This Call!

2010-04-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

Back in the early days, when The BreakUp Coach was just a twinkle in a brokenhearted girl's eye, and my awesome friend Ask Angie and I were coming up with cool things that the BUC could offer in the future, ringtones were definitely on the list.

We thought, wouldn't it be cool to have ringtones that would discourage you from picking up those lame booty calls from the ex-boyfriend, (or those even lamer calling-for-no-particular-reason-just-lingering-like-a-bad-rash calls?)

It's still on the list, but behind e-cards and e-coaching programs and a few other nifty features that are currently in production for the new site.

But in the meantime Dave Hahn, a true friend to the ladies (and guys) trying to shake off a bad ex-bf, has created an excellent example:

Ex-Boyfriend Ringtone by davidjhahn

How cool is that? I especially love the lame chatter from the ex and the sound of the phone exploding at the end -- kinda like something out of The BreakUp Hotline.

Kudos Mr. Hahn,

The BreakUp Coach

Happy Easter from The BreakUp Coach

2010-04-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a card I created for the occasion. Our own cards will be launched along with the rest of the site sometime next month.

Send this card or rate it here at someecards.com

DO's and DON'Ts for Helping a Friend Through a Breakup

2010-03-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

We’ve all been there. Your friend is heartbroken. You care about her. You want to be there for her. You also might, just possibly, be feeling a teensy little bit frustrated with her. Here are some tips to help you navigate your friend’s breakup and hopefully emerge with the friendship (and your sanity) intact.

DO listen. It’s one of the most helpful and important things you can do for your friend. Just listen, nod, and let her know that you hear what she’s saying and that you understand. It’s so simple and yet so often we don’t do it.

DON’T lecture, preach or give advice unless she asks for it. This is a trap for both of you and tends to lead to you having the same conversation over and over again, which is an energy drain for both of you. Letting her go over the same thing more or less on her own 2 or 3 times without a lot of input from you is actually more healing for her. And although it may seem challenging at first to just sit and listen, eventually it ends up being less draining for you, too.

DO reach out just to say hi and that you’re thinking of her with calls, texts, emails, etc. The feeling that there’s a void in contact and communication can be one of the hardest parts of a rough breakup -- remind her that someone really cares.

DON’T compare her current situation with yours from the past. When our own pain is acute, it seems totally special and unique to us. Let her have her moment. After some time has gone by and her wounds are less fresh, you can swap war stories.

DO set boundaries and take care of yourself. Yes, it’s helpful to listen, but it’s also okay to take breaks and set limits. Ask if you can call her back later if you need some time off. If it’s feeling like all you do is talk about the breakup for hours on end, suggest that you dedicate a certain amount of time that you spend together to talking about it (30 minutes, 15, or whatever seems right, in which time she’ll have your full attention). After that you both agree to change the subject. Tell her that a psychologist (me) recommends this for her as a way of honoring her feelings while not letting the breakup take over her life by giving it it’s due time in her day, and then moving to something else.

DON’T forget to have fun together. Just like the breakup shouldn’t take over her own life, it shouldn’t totally highjack your friendship. Make sure you spend some time doing things you both enjoy, while letting her know that you’ll still be there when she’s feeling sad. The thing is, often when someone’s going through something difficult, the people around them start to expect them to be “over it” after a certain amount of time, or once they start laughing or having good times again. Sometimes this keeps them stuck in “woe is me” mode because they’re afraid that if they come out of it for a while, you won’t let them be sad again. Let her know that you understand that she’s having good AND bad days, and that you’re there to share both of them with her.

DO feel free to criticize her ex in vague, general terms in her favor when she is angry and venting. Saying things like, “What a loser!”, “I can’t believe he said that to you, that jerk!” and “He really blew it, big time!” are usually good bets.

DON’T go overboard with trashing the ex. Don’t get angrier about him than your friend does, don’t bring up any personal complains you’ve been holding against him, and avoid specific insults or criticisms about his appearance, personality, etc. These are the ones that tend to come back to haunt you. On the off chance that your friend ends up getting back together with the guy, you don’t want your comment about his freakishly small, pointy head floating out there, especially if he ends up being the father of her kids!

DO act as a force for sanity and save her from herself when she's about to do something kooky. See if you can confiscate her phone if you're headed out for "forget him!" cocktails, and hide her keys if she's talking about driving over to confront him at his new girlfriend's house (yikes!). Tell her that you would definitely want her to do the same for you. If she's really set on doing something you think is a bad idea, instead of continuing to argue about it just ask her to give it a 24 hour waiting period (it's kind of like buying a gun--but keep that analogy to yourself, since it's probably not a good idea to bring up guns at that point).

DO send her a Breakup Coach E-card to help cheer her up. And if you’ve followed all of this advice and she’s still driving you a little crazy, try sending her a link to my article about being a good friend while you're going through a breakup. It can’t hurt.

The BreakUp Coach

Out With the Old, In With the New

2009-12-31T04:46:00.000-08:00

As 2009 comes to a close and we bid it farewell, I wonder what else we can say goodbye to?

How about lingering ex's? (Just thought of a new term for them: helicopter ex's)

Answering 3 a.m. booty calls and hoping that they mean anything beyond the fact that someone wants some booty.

Killing off a bottle of wine or gallon of ice cream (or both) because you-know-who didn't call.

Directing anger and hostility toward "other women" (it's really not about them, is it?)

Letting what someone else does or says (or doesn't do or say) dictate how you feel about yourself.

Staying in a relationship that doesn't work for you anymore just to protect someone's feelings, or because you're afraid of being alone.

What are you willing to let go of along with 2009? What do you want more of in 2010, and what are you willing to do in order to get it?

Happy New Year,

The BreakUp Coach

Breakup and Divorce E-Cards First Round

2009-12-02T07:31:00.000-08:00

The new Breakup Coach site will feature unique e-cards that we are creating, but here are a few I designed just for fun at someecards.com

You can view, rate and send them to whomever you want by clicking on the link below each card. Enjoy!

view-rate-send-all-ex-boyfriends-card-at-someecards.com

view-rate-send-ex-boyfriend-facebook-card-at-someecards.com

view-rate-send-ex-husband-obsolete-card-at-someecards.com

Let me know what you think of these.

The BreakUp Coach

Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #8: Get Yourself Moving and Out of Your Own Way

2009-11-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

For a while I've been dealing with a physical injury--a tear in a ligament of the foot--which had hampered my mobility and made exercising very difficult since I can't to anything involving putting weight on the foot or pointing the toes (which tends to happen when swimming). I recently discovered a solution: using a flotation belt to run while suspended in the water. It feels a little silly, but also kind of fun, and the improvement in my mood since I got back to being active is remarkable. It's a great reminder for me of the importance of exercise for well-being, which is something that I focus on a lot in working with my clients.

My clients and I talk a lot about exercises because if you are going through a breakup or any other challenging life situation, getting (or keeping) your body moving is one of the most important things you can do to keep yourself in a state of relative balance and health.

You've probably heard a million things about why exercise is good for us physically, but its psychological effects are just as important, as outlined by this article about exercise to relieve/prevent depression and anxiety from the Mayo Clinic or a similar one from WebMD . They both explain that regular moderate exercise like walking, recreational biking or swimming improves mood and reduces stress through its biochemical effects on our brain and the rest of our nervous system. This relationship is so clear that several psychiatrists with whom I've collaborated in treating people with mild to moderate depression have insisted that those patients begin a regular exercise program before they would prescribe anti-depressants. When a professional whose main function is to give medications makes exercise their first choice over drugs, I take notice! Much of the time the depression would begin to lift just from the exercise. (Just to be clear, we did NOT follow this practice if the patient was severely depressed and/or seemed at risk of hurting themselves--in that case the patient got medication AND exercise together right away. There are some situations when medication is necessary and useful, and I'm by no mean saying otherwise. Also please remember that if you are taking medications it is EXTREMELY dangerous to go off of them without carefully tapering the dose under the supervision of a professional. Okay?)

Anyway, one thought about why exercise helps balance our moods and reduce the negative effects of stress involves the fight-or-flight response . When we encounter danger, our nervous system is programmed to react by getting ready to run away from the source of the danger or fight it off in order to defend ourselves. This comes in handy if we find ourselves being accosted in a dark alley. Unfortunately the same alarm system gets tripped in all kinds of emotionally "dangerous" situations too, like when you see your ex's new profile on match.com, for example. And when the fight-or-flight response gets activated a lot it can take on a life of its own and seem to go off nearly constantly (kind of like your neighbor's car alarm, or the smoke detector that screams every time you brown a slice of toast). That kind of wear and tear on your system can lead to anxiety, depression and other emotional problems. Exercise helps prevent this problem by allowing your stress response system to play itself out: when you actually carry out the act of "fleeing" (running and other cardio) or "fighting" (boxing, karate, weightlifting), your internal alarm system gets reset because it's been allowed to perform its function. Your body is sort of telling your nervous system, "okay, we've dealt with the problem, you can relax now". When you stop exercising your body and mind are signaled to relax fully, leaving you feeling calmer and more peaceful than before you started. Experiencing this process can help protect you and make you generally less emotionally reactive throughout the day.

Getting yourself moving during the day also helps you sleep better at night, and when you're feeling lovelorn, sleep can be challenging. Less tossing and turning the night before makes you feel better the next day, and so the positive cycle continues.

Besides making you sad, anxious, and sleepless, breakups have a way of messing with your confidence, especially your sense of attractiveness. Exercise helps with this too. You're probably saying, "Duh, exercise changes the way you look so of course you feel better about yourself!" Yes, exercise can make you look better, but research shows that the simple act of exercising regularly, without changing weight, shape or any other physical indicators, actually improves your body image (here's an article about that). So even if you don't lose a pound or a single inch off your waist, the fact that you are moving that body around on a regular basis will still make you feel better about it. And ever notice how feeling more attractive actually makes you more attractive? A flat stomach and firm butt are nice to have but there is nothing quite so sexy as confidence.

Okay, so clearly it's a really good idea to get regular exercise while you're dealing with a stressful breakup. The problem, of course, is that the very reasons why you need to be exercising also get in the way of doing it. When you're feeling heartbroken a part of you just wants to curl up in a ball on the couch with a tub of ice cream. Getting up and out of the house, much less to the gym, can feel like a huge challenge.

The good news is that you don't have to do any intense training in order to get the benefits I've been describing, nor do you have to do anything for long periods. So if you feel daunted by the thought of exercise, here some some suggestions might help:

1) Start really small. Tell yourself that you're just going to walk for 10 minutes (or around the block). Tread water in the pool for 3 songs-worth on the radio. Or try doing just 2 sets of yoga sun-salutations It will make a difference in how you feel, and how you feel about yourself. Work yourself up gradually to longer workouts on average, but make it okay on any given day to just do the minimum.

2) If you possibly can, try exercising the very first thing in the morning. Put your sneakers and socks and whatever else you would need for your exercise of choice right next to the bed and put them on before you even fully get up (or your yoga mat already laid out or whatever). Get yourself moving before you've even had a chance to think that much about what you're doing (and before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it).

3) Try exercising with other people when possible. The companionship makes the time go by faster, and making plans involving other people will increase your commitment to actually do it. Take a dance class, go on a hike with local outdoor group like the Sierra Club, or start a little walking group among your coworkers during lunch or right after work. Better yet, try joining or organizing a group training program for a charity walking or running event among friends or coworkers; you'll have companionship, structure, a goal to work towards and the satisfaction of helping your community.

4) If, like me, you have any injuries or mobility issues then water exercise is often a good option. If you don't normally have access to a pool, your health insurance might be able to help you out with that since you'd be using it for rehabilitation. A flotation belt from Speedo or Aquajogger will allow you to stay upright and jog, run, "cross country ski" and do all kinds of other exercises in zero gravity. They're adjustable but you still want to make sure you get the right size for your frame so you float properly and feel comfortable wearing the belt. Aquajogger even makes a belt designed specifically for women with smaller waists that won't ride up on you.

If you already exercise regularly then you probably already know what you need to do to stay motivated and focused. If you can, try increasing the intensity or variety of your workouts to get even more benefit. Kickboxing, anyone? It's a great combination of fight AND flight.

I won't pretend that exercise will solve everything, but it really can help smooth out those jagged emotional edges that a bad breakup can leave behind. So put the ice cream back in the freezer and get yourself in motion for a little while. That pint of rocky road will still be waiting for you when you're done, but you may not want it anymore--did I mention that exercise can help even out your appetite and reduce food cravings?

Happy trails (or happy treadmill, elliptical, or whatever works for you),

The BreakUp Coach

Tweets, Texts and Tablets: How Many Ways to Leave Your Lover?

2009-11-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel nostalgic for the days when it was considered tremendously rude to break up with someone over the phone rather than in person. Now there are so many routes to break it off that the line between acceptable and scorn-worthy always seem to be moving.

I think (hope?) that we can all still agree that breaking up over Twitter is downright cold, right?

source: http://geekandpoke.typepad.com/geekandpoke/2008/06/the-hub-of-our.html

It's kind of the modern day equivalent to breaking up with someone via the town crier. "Hear ye, hear ye! The Lady Jessica wishes to announce to Sir James that she has changed the locks on the door, and that he may collect his belongings at the signpost, where they are currently piled!"

Now that I think of it, if there is any historical accuracy to the HBO series, Rome, I can easily picture such a scenario happening in that ancient place. But it was pretty much a huge free-for-all, what with all the big heaping servings of gratuitous violence and cruelty being doled out every episode (again, assuming historical accuracy, which is a big assumption). I guess a mean-spirited public breakup would have fit right into that landscape. Hmm, let's hope twitter breakups aren't a sign of our own civilization's nearing collapse.

In any case, I'm curious to know where most people draw the line these days. Let's say you've been dating someone for 2 months and you want to break up. Is it okay to do it in an email, or would they deserve a call in your book? Do you think it should always be in person? What about after 6 months? After 2 dates? Any time when a text would be acceptable? Is there any situation that would make you want to break up with them in public, like on Twitter?

How would you prefer to be broken-up with? Has anyone ever crossed the line in breaking up with you? There are no hard-and-fast rules here so I'm honestly curious.

How to discreetly change your relationship status on Facebook

2009-11-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

If you spend any time on Facebook you've probably seen one of those embarrassing updates on your news feed announcing that one of your friends "is now single" or "is no longer in a relationship with so-and-so", complete with that little icon of a broken heart. Ouch. Maybe this has even happened to you when you went to change your own relationship status...or your ex did. Double ouch.

As if a breakup weren't hard enough to deal with, now you get to have a bunch of messages from semi-random people who happen to be your "friends" on the site but don't actually know you that well. Ugh. And how about a wall post from a frenemy dripping with fake concern: "Hope you're doing ok since you got dumped, Stella. Don't worry, there's still time cross off your 'plus one' on the caterer list for my awesome engagement party next week--see you there". Grrrrr!

Since there's even a fan page dedicated to gossiping about other people's status changes it's a good idea to be discreet about yours.

So here's how to avoid adding insult to injury by quietly changing your Facebook status.

1) Log in to Facebook and click on the "Settings" link at the top right of your screen
2) When the "My Account" screen comes up, find "Privacy" on the list and click on the link to the right that reads "Manage"
3) Click on the link that reads "News Feed and Wall"
4) UNCHECK any boxes related to relationship status (there's that little heart icon again)

This will stop notifications from going out when you change your relationship status. (Note: these instructions are correct currently, but if you spend any time on Facebook you know that they're always changing stuff on there, so be aware that the details of how to do this may change in the future. In general it's a good idea to keep up with your privacy settings by checking them every once in a while).

OK, now you're ready to change your status:

1) Go to your profile
2) Click on the "edit my profile" link in the section below your profile picture.
3) Under basic information, go to the pulldown menu for "relationship status" and click on it.
4) If you're really trying to be discreet, instead of selecting "single", select the blank space at the top of the menu. Now there will be no relationship status listed on your profile at all and it will remain a mystery to lurkers on your page. You can always go back later and change it to single when you're feeling up to publicly declaring your new status.

Unfortunately you have no control over how your ex chooses to handle the information on their end, but it wouldn't hurt to pass on the instructions to them if you're on civil terms.

And of course, you can save yourself a lot of trouble beforehand by being extremely conservative about posting relationship status on Facebook in the first place--an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Here's to minimizing digital heartbreak,

The BreakUp Coach

"Who else is gonna fill up your fridge with empty bottles?"

2009-11-01T05:51:00.000-08:00

I'm posting 2 videos in a row but this one is too good not to share, especially if you could use a laugh. Alphacat is a parody virtuoso whose video impersonation of Obama doing Beyonce's Single Ladies was a huge hit last fall.

Now he's come out with a spoof of Mario's Breakup in which a freeloading soccer fan's girlfriend finally gets fed up and kicks him out. My favorite line is the title of this post, especially since I just went into the fridge to find a milk carton with a quarter of an inch of milk in it (grrr).

Hope it makes you smile,

The Breakup Coach

Dragging Out a Breakup Equals Ooouuuuccchhhh

2009-10-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ever drag out a breakup in an effort to save the person's feelings? Ever notice that it ends up making things worse? Let's watch Cougar Town's Jules try to let Josh down easy.

As uncomfortable as it can be in the moment, the direct approach always ends up hurting less in the long run.

Celebrating Your Independence With Breakup Cake

2009-10-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

There is a moment in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun in which a friend of the recently-divorced protagonist tells her that since marriages begin with cake and champagne, they ought to end in the same way. This is clearly becoming a very popular thought as divorce parties, and now breakup parties, are becoming more and more popular.

One of the main functions of having a marriage ceremony (and party) is to create a time and space in which the people who care about the couple can demonstrate their support of the union and confer their supportive energy and intentions on the couple. Many ceremonies involve actually asking the attendees to pledge their support. A newly single person could certainly use the same kind of support and positive intentions from the people who care about them. It’s also a way of celebrating the new freedom and opportunities that are now available because of the transition the person is going through.

And nothing says “celebration” and marks a special occassion quite like a cake. Caterers have risen to the challenge with lots of interesting takes on the splitting-up theme.

A very highly publicized and notorious example is shown below, from model / actress / centerfold / reality TV personality Shanna Moakler's divorce party in Las Vegas earlier this year

Okay, I'm all about having fun and celebrating your independence, even with some dark humor thrown in, but this is taking it a bit far, no? Does your ex really have to bleed for you to have closure? I think we can take a slightly higher road here.

This second one is funny, very creatively rendered and not too scary or violent. It's also downright unappetizing. When enjoying a delicious dessert I don't usually like to see depictions of garbage.

Cupcakes are a popular choice for parties of all kinds these days, and the topper is available for sale here in a "caucasian" or "non-caucasian" version.

I like this one. The bride is triumphant and not even thinking about the groom, much less trying to do him bodily harm. Queen of the mountain! This one gets my top vote of the ones depicted. You can find it here.

But if I were designing a divorce/breakup cake myself I would consider going with a "Bon Voyage" theme depicting the guest of honor triumphant and about to embark on an exciting adventure, with something like this as inspiration:

If the lady in question just happens to be gluten-sensitive, here's a special breakup cake recipe just for her . It even has a little booze (excellent--well, unless you're supposed to stay away from that too--just leave it out then).

But if you can have booze, make it bubbly! The celebration is made complete with this adorable little pink neoprene tote so you can have chilled champagne wherever your fabulous new life takes you. Plus if you take out the removable interior it can double as a sassy little water-resistant summer purse, especially handy for any seaside or nautical adventures.

Just try not to let the cake turn the celebration into a pity party, as this funny-yet-pathetic confection most likely did for this dude...

Stay sweet,

The BreakUp Coach

(By the way, I don't have any financial stake in this stuff and don't get any commissions or anything from sales, just having fun doing a little shopping, in case you were wondering.)

Your iPhone as Breakup Buddy: An App That Protects You From Your Drunk-Dialing Self

2009-10-29T05:42:00.000-07:00

Too often during a breakup the phone can become our enemy. It sits there, mocking us with cruel silence while we wait for it to ring with that call from the ex begging us to take him back. And it's all too willing to enable those ill-conceived calls when we're feeling desperate, drunk, or both (that dreaded double-d). I suggested one trick to help you prevent this, but it's good to have multiple weapons in your arsenal against that other dreaded double-D, drunk dialing.

That's why an app that actually helps prevent buzzed calling is such a cool idea. The Bad Decision Blocker is available on iTunes and apparently works by blocking your ability to call selected contacts for a duration of your choosing--good for when you're planning a night on the town or you're anticipating an especially lonely weekend. You can also choose an option that sends a password to a trusted friend who will decide later when you can be trusted to have control over the phone again.

It does have limits--it can't stop you from dialing the number if you know it by heart, but at least it'll give you a few moments to reconsider as you're punching those keys.

If you don't have an iPhone you can always choose the lower-tech version: hand over your cell to a good friend or trusty bartender until you're in a more rational frame of mind.

Professional Breakup Recovery Services

2009-10-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm getting more frequent requests for this information, so to make it easier for anyone interested in hiring me as their personal breakup coach, here are the professional services I offer:

Initial phone consultation with assessment. The client receives and completes a detailed questionnaire to submit to me for review before our session so I will have your background and be ready to get to work for our call.

(50 minutes) Investment: 95 US

Follow-up phone sessions (Available after initial consultation; 25 minutes). Investment: 55 US (no limit on number of sessions a client may request)

Special Break-up Package*

Initial phone consultation, plus 3 follow-up sessions, plus up to 6 support email exchanges during the 28 days following initial consultation (8 total) Investment: 250 US

Email Only Package

Client receives and completes a detailed questionnaire to submit to me for review. I will respond over email with an assessment and recommendations for you. I will be available for 6 follow-up consultations over email during the 28 days following initial consultation. Investment: 110 US

In all individual services I use my education and training as a doctoral-level psychologist and certified life coach to help my clients get through the pain of their breakup or divorce and prepare themselves to move on to a new chapter in their lives with more wisdom, confidence and self-understanding. If you're ready to work on getting yourself unstuck from the pain of the past and move into a place of empowerment and self-acceptance, my services may be right for you.

If you're interested in working together or would like more information, contact me via email at SashaCarratFearlessLivingdotorg (just substitute the words "at" and "dot" with "@" and ".")

FYI: All services are paid in advance securely online using a credit card or PayPal account.

Staying Safe After a Breakup When Your Ex is Abusive or Violent

2009-10-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a more detailed piece on this topic for breakup-coach.com, but since it's almost the end of Domestic Violence Awareness month I wanted to post some initial thoughts. While many of us end up pining away after an elusive ex, too many others have to deal with a former partner who won't leave us alone. This may range from annoying drunk texts in the middle of the night to real terror and violence.

At least 2 news stories just this morning involve stabbings by jealous ex-boyfriends, as found in this link and in this one

If you feel unsafe in any way because of your ex or a current partner, you can use the National Domestic Violence Hotline as a resource, 800−799−7233 or ndvh.org

Be smart, be safe, please.

Don't Believe the Reverse-a-Breakup Hype

2009-10-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

A lot of people looking for help or advice about a breakup search for it online; that might be how you found me in the first place. Unfortunately a lot of the “help” offered is a marketing scheme designed to prey on the vulnerability and insecurity that we naturally tend to feel in the midst of a breakup in order to squeeze us for some of our hard-earned cash.

If you try googling or doing a twitter search for phrases like “breakup help” or “ex-boyfriend”, here are some of the most common results you’ll get:

“Proven techniques to reverse your breakup for just $19.95!”

“Get your ex back in your arms in 5 easy steps!”

or my favorite:

“Dirty psychological tricks to get your ex-boyfriend back”

Oh great, sign me up. Using dirty tricks to try to get someone to fall back in love with me sounds like a fantastic idea. With a foundation like that you’re sure to build a healthy relationship (you can’t see me so you’ll have to just picture me rolling my eyes). And of course I’m sure it’s foolproof, because when do deception, manipulation and desperation NOT pay off in relationships, right?

So let’s say I go to the site to find out more about this brilliant, amazing, can’t-fail system, what then? Usually I get something that looks sort of like an advice site, but which basically is funneling me toward buying a downloadable eBook for somewhere between 11.99 and 29.95. In it I’ll find some really cutting-edge strategies like playing it cool and making them jealous by flirting with other people. These original gems will be served up in a typo-filled document that looks like it took the author a couple of hours or so to write.

The fact that this kind of stuff populates the internet and clogs up the “breakup” search column on my tweetdeck speaks to how vulnerable and, yes, desperate many of us can feel at one point or another during a breakup. The fact that there’s so much of it out there means that someone is buying this stuff, even though a) it’s not particularly insightful or useful and b) even if it did work it would at best be a temporary fix that would backfire in the long run.

To continue with a cigarette analogy used in a previous entry, these pitches are kind of like offering to sell you a 75%-off coupon on a lifetime supply of cigarettes while you’re trying to quit but are currently in serious (and temporary) withdrawal. Just when you’re having a major jones for those smokes, even though you know they aren’t good for you, up pops this tantalizing offer to give you all the butts you’d ever want at a serious discount! Why not pony up a few bucks for it? The problem, as I’ve mentioned, is that even if the store accepts that coupon (which it almost definitely won’t), you’ve just bought an express ticket to lung cancer, heart disease and premature wrinkles. And no, trying to trick your ex into taking you back won’t give you lung cancer, but it sure is likely to give you heartbreak and a few new worry lines.

It’s such an obvious truth but one that bears repeating: if your ex broke up with you, it was for a reason. If you broke up with them, it was also for a reason. Maybe, and it’s a BIG maybe, in some cases, once in a while, there was a misunderstanding or conflict that the two of you might be able to resolve. But that stuff doesn’t get fixed by using strategies or tricks; it requires communication, negotiation, and openness. And it almost always needs to start by giving each other some major space for each of you to sort your own heads and hearts out.

And in the vast majority of cases the solution is to take some space, learn from your experiences and mistakes, and move on. It may hurt in the short run, so take care of yourself and get support from people who care about you. Use other resources like the books I recommend here. Hopefully some of the advice I offer (along with other reputable sites out there) will help too. Just try to avoid the snake-oil internet salesman if you can and use those bucks to treat yourself to a pedicure instead--it’ll do you more good.

You're so money and you don't even know it,

The Breakup Coach

"Everything I Need to Know I Learned From...": Using Breakup Advice to Deal with Other Life Issues

2009-10-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this great post on B.oB.'s running blog which uses a breakup analogy to explain what a running injury is like. Not only is it clever but it's a good reminder of something that comes up all the time in my conversations as The Breakup Coach: "breakups" don't just happen in romantic relationships. We end up having a lot of the same feelings and problems when there's conflict or breaking off with our friends, our jobs, a favorite activity (like B.o.B's running), and lots of other life situations.

Just this morning a friend who's quitting smoking was tweeting about how much she missed it and was comparing her jones for her favorite brand to missing an ex-boyfriend. It reminded me of a comment on an old BUC blog post from back in the MySpace days (Remember MySpace? Soooo early millennium, isn't it?) In our discussion of why it's important to take a break from contacting your ex I wrote:

...and if you were quitting smoking you wouldn't have cigarrettes at home, hang out at a lot of places where people are smoking cigarrettes, or call the cigarettes "just to see how they're doing", right?

It cuts both ways. Since we have the same feelings and experiences (and make a lot of the same mistakes) in a bunch of situations outside of romantic relationships, we get to use a lot of the same knowledge and nifty tricks to deal with them.

Even if you're not going through a romantic breakup you just might find some of the advice here helpful--so use it wherever it works for you, ok?

The Breakup Coach

What Not to Wear During a Breakup: Just Say No to Sweatpants

2009-10-12T01:53:00.000-07:00

I came across this (very) darkly funny video about sweatpants as a breakup uniform from Comedy Central's Michael and Michael Have Issues (note: this is PG-13 content and not for the easily offended)

Michael & Michael Have Issues

Break-Up Sweatpants

www.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

Of course it's not at all funny to think of anyone going after their ex with a gun, but it does echo a few of my recent posts about Craxy-Ex Syndrome and Why I'm a Breakup Coach . There's even a reference to going into his ex's email account. And it's fitting because I'm writing an article about what to wear during your breakup to help make you feel better, and Michael and Michael are doing a great job here of showing what not to wear!

Stay tuned for the Breakup Coach's Breakover Wardrobe Guide. In the meantime, try to save the sweatpants for the gym.

Breakover-Breakup-Recovery Tip #7: Seeing things differently

2009-10-07T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, so if you're getting over a breakup then hopefully you’ve already made some changes by following my previous breakover tips. By this point you've given your bed a makeover and you've also changed up what your nose knows. In fact, hopefully you've read all of the posts that come up when you click the "breakover" link to the right.

Now you're ready to do some changin' and rearrangin’ elsewhere. This time we’re going for VISUAL changes. When your eyes take in an environment that you see frequently and things look different, your mind registers the change and your experience feels newer and fresher, even if you don’t consciously realize it. So move a few things in your living space around. Pick at least 3 of these (extra credit if you do more and/or think of some changes of your own)

Switch the pictures around on the walls.

Rearrange your books on their shelves (This is a really good one--you have no idea how much your brain registers the order of those books, especially if they’ve been set up the same way for a long time).

Shift a rug or rugs around to a new position or angle--if it’s straight across try a jaunty diagonal for a while.

Move the TV to a new spot, even if it’s one foot to the left or the right.

Mirrors are a good choice for moving--that way you can see yourself in a new light (ok, that one was cheesy, I admit it)

If you can, move your bed so it’s facing in a new direction; at least try shifting it a foot or two to one side.

If the blinds are usually closed, open them; or switch the curtains between two different rooms.

Sit in a different place to eat. If you usually sit on the couch, sit at the table or vice versa.

If you have one, shift your work or study space around as much as you can. Put a new screensaver on your monitor. This one is especially good if you go to an office or other location to work since now you'll have 2 different places where you see things differently.

With each change you will be taking a step toward rewiring your brain for the fabulous new life you're transitioning into. As you do that, you'll be more open to new experiences, new adventures, and eventually, new love.

*Special thanks to Angie Lusk, advice-giver extraordinaire, for coming up with some of the change suggestions above. You can check out her excellent blog here

Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #6: Take Note of the Love You Have

2009-10-03T06:43:00.000-07:00

A breakup can leave you feeling lonely and unloved. Yet is all the love in your life gone because one relationship ended?

Today you're invited to take note of all of the love that is in your life, right now in this moment. Take out a pen and paper (or open a document in your computer) and write a list of the people who love you--family, friends, mentors, teachers. Go ahead, start it now.

And whether the list in front of you at the moment is long, short, or blank, I know that the real list is infinite if you're willing to really SEE the love all around you. You can start by expanding your definition of love to include all the acts of loving kindness that people extend to you today. When a friend calls just to say hello, that's love. When a coworker grabs an extra cup of coffee and puts in creamer just how you like it? Love. When a stranger holds the door open for you and smiles. How about when your dog lets out a contented sigh while resting his head on your knee? Love, love, love! And if you were to sit there and add up all of the love you've received over your lifetime you'd go through a pile of pens, clog your hard drive, and develop a serious case of writer's cramp--though you'd feel so darn full of love you probably wouldn't notice.

And the really beautiful things is, the more love you're able to see that you already have in your life, right now in this moment, the closer you are to having a romantic life that fills your heart even more. Love attracts love, abundance attracts abundance, and gratitude attracts more things to be grateful for. So where are you willing to see the love that is already right in front of you? Where are you willing to be more loving toward the people who are available right now to receive it from you?

Love really is all around,

The Breakup Coach

Crazy-Ex-Syndrome: Step Away From the Goldfish Please!

2009-10-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

The newswires, twitterverse, and yes, the blogosphere were all abuzz late this week over a bizarre incident which occurred a few days ago in Texas (news link here). Apparently an angry ex-girlfriend (common-law wife, technically) went to her ex's home, took the seven goldfish that had once belonged to both of them in happier times, fried them, and ate them (well, at least three of them anyway--I guess anger only took her so far).

Now firstly, this is just plain horrifying. Clearly this woman was very disturbed to do something so malicious and macabre to those innocent animals. (Though some have pointed out that this doesn't really qualify as animal cruelty since we as a society regularly kill and eat fish. I can respect that viewpoint. But at the very least the intent makes it cruel.)

In any case, the story has spread around the world like virtual wildfire. Clearly people are fascinated by the tale. Some are even amused, at least partly in spite of themselves, but whatever their reaction, people are talking about it, a lot.

It's not really surprising that the story has captured so much attention, given our culture's longstanding preoccupation with an archetype that this woman stands for: the volative, vindictive female ex. People will hear a story like this, nod, and intone something like that old standby, "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned" (William Congreve, 1697; a lot of people think another William (Shakepeare) said it, but it was Mr.C). Anyway, there's definitely an idea floating around in our collective unconscious that jilted female lovers are often crazy and dangerous, and it's reflected in many of our stories. They go back at least as far as the ancient greek goddess Hera, wife of Zeus, who would take out her jealous wrath on his lovers by turning them into various animals (though, apparently, not going so far as to cook and eat those animals). Speaking of cooking, the most iconic example of this crazy-female-ex syndrome is, of course, Glenn Close's role in the movie Fatal Attraction. A poor bunny rabbit was the victim of her wrath in that case (what is it with the cooking of pets, anyway?) There was a movie starring Beyonce out this year, Obsessed, which I think stayed in theaters for about 5 minutes, but it went along similar lines.

Clearly things like this do happen, as the true story out of texas demonstrates. Sometimes women go crazy during a breakup, and my last post discussed that at length. Sometimes, unfortunately, they were disturbed before the breakup and it comes out during or after a split. It's a real problem, and helping to minimize its impact is part of why I do what I do.

However, the story that happens far, far more often involves men stalking, harrassing, attacking and ultimately killing their former partners. Whether the relationship is heterosexual or same-sex, men are far more likely than women to act out in a way that is threatening or violent during a breakup or divorce. You can check out some statistics about gender and ex-intimate partner stalking here.

Not to say that it's in any way less scary or horrible when a man is the victim and the woman is the perpetrator. It's just awful and wrong, no matter who's doing it. I do find it interesting though how absorbed our culture is by the whole hell-hath-no-fury thing about women. Maybe hell doesn't, but according to those statistics I would say that men certainly do hath it, and more so than women. Maybe the fact that it's so unfortunately common, and therefore sad, is what keeps it from being as compelling a story?

Perhaps it would be a good idea to include in the new website I'm building a section on what to do about an ex who won't leave you alone? My focus so far has been on getting over your ex, but what about when they won't get over you and things have taken a dark turn? Serious food for thought there. I know one of the effects of being stalked is feeling isolated; I'd like to give support if I can. For now, here's at least one link with some info for stalking or potential stalking victims here.

In the meantime, if you're the one who's angry, talk to your friends about it, or a professional if needed. Get your aggression out at the gym or a serious cleaning frenzy. Get yourself somewhere private where you won't freak anyone out and scream your head off for a minute if you need to. Just leave the goldfish alone, please.

Why I'm a Breakup Coach

2009-10-01T05:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve been asked why I chose to specialize in helping people dealing with breakups. It started by accident, or according to fate, depending on how you see it. A few years ago while working as a clinical psychologist in private practice, I found myself with a full caseload in which 15 of the 17 clients I was seeing were women who were either going through a breakup or divorce, or on the verge of a breakup of divorce. Although I hadn’t been seeking them out intentionally, they had come to me through one channel or another. I seemed to have knack for helping them, which was good. I noticed that the majority of them were smart, educated and generally psychologically healthy women who found themselves in a complete emotional tailspin over a broken or unravelling relationship. For most of them it was the first time they had ever been in counseling.

When I thought about it I realized that I'd just learned on a professional level something I had long known personally: that breakups are probably the one thing in life most likely to make otherwise basically healthy people feel and act pretty darn crazy. I had seen this play out not just with my clients, but with my friends. And, looking back, I have to say that a couple of my worst breakups have made me do some of the weirdest and most dangerous things in my own life. That’s true even though they definitely are not the worst thing to ever happen. The death of my younger sister, my grandmother’s suicide, even my father’s departure in early childhood, were greater losses. But they didn’t lead me to feel out of control the way my worst breakup did, nor did I react to them by doing things that I would now look back on and cringe. Suffice to say I could have used my own breakup coach back in the day. I think many women would say the same.

And it doesn’t matter how smart you are, how successful, how beautiful, or cool--a bad breakup is likely to make you lose it on some level. Somewhere right now there is probably a multimillionaire former model with a book deal and a shelf full of humanitarian awards who’s huddled on her couch in 2-day-old pajamas, crying over some guy who has broken her heart. She’s just called him and hung up for the third time, and she hates herself for doing it but she’s been logging into his account and reading his emails (he once revealed that he used his childhood dog’s name as a password). Now she’s feeling heartbroken AND ashamed of herself (two tastes that do NOT taste great together).

It’s true that love (and therefore heartbreak) will likely always make us a little crazy sometimes. It’s a price we pay for keeping our hearts open, and the expense is worth it. But I also believe we can minimize the damage and unnecessary suffering that often come along for the ride. Heartbreak may make us feel crazy, but that doesn’t mean we always have to act crazy as a result, and end up doing things that just end up making us more unhappy. I can only imagine, if we could add them all up, the number of work days missed (never mind all the FUN days), pounds gained, friendships damaged, dogs left un-played with, adventures unexplored, opportunities unrecognized, all because of people not being able to get over their ex. The numbers would be staggering. And that's not even mentioning the really serious fallout that sometimes happens.

So I guess the answer to “why breakups” is that, aside from being kind of kind of good at it, I believe that it’s a place where a lot of good can be done. If the legions of really wonderful, amazing women out there could experience love -- and heartbreak -- with a little less kookiness, slightly fewer drunk dials, gallons of ice cream mechanically eaten, and other things they’ll wish later they hadn’t done, what could they accomplish with all of that reclaimed energy? The sky’s the limit. And that thought warms my heart, inspires creativity, and gives me a deep sense of purpose. As I’ve said before, if we have to go through breakups, we may as well do it in style, and its an honor to help so many amazing, inspiring women out there do just that.

With gratitude,

The Breakup Coach

Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #5: Dealing with Your Life Online

2009-09-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this as Breakover Tip #5 because I'm counting some earlier posts as tips #1-4:
(By the way the No Contact for 60 Days advice is more of a commandment than a tip!)
1. Give your bed a makeover
2. Change up what your nose knows
3. Try doing something for someone else
4. Change your ex's contact info

This tip is about how to be online while going through a breakup and avoid 1)impulsively making contact with your ex in a moment of weakness and 2) spying on your ex online, which can be oh-so tempting yet always manages to make you feel worse--there are few things quite so effective in sucking up your time, energy and self-respect as monitoring your ex online--if you listen closely you might be able to actually HEAR your own life draining away.

Tip #5 is kind of an expansion on tip #4. They share a purpose in helping you avoid contact with your ex, especially the kind you're most likely to regret (like when you're in panic mode after your much younger cousin announces her engagement, or when you've had one (or four) too many mojitos).

So, how do you keep from drunk (or any kind of unplanned) emailing, IM'ing, facebooking, tweeting, and whatever other online communication routes you have that I've probably never even heard of? How do you keep from getting yourself sucked into soul-killing online stalker mode?

In an ideal world you'll detach from them completely. You’ll erase any of their email addresses as well as all of their email messages. You'll de-friend them on Facebook and unfollow them on Twitter. (If we lived in the days of smoke signals I guess you'd be throwing away your kindling and pouring water over the logs). And of course you'll delete them from any instant messenger lists (IM monitoring is an especially good way to torture yourself during a breakup). Full erasure and un-linkage is the online equivalent of quickly ripping off a band-aid or wax strip: it's much better in the long run to just do it and get it over with!

But ok, let's say you're not quite ready to do that. You're still trying to be "just friends" (good luck with that by the way), you need to keep some kind of contact with them because you work or have kids together, or for some other reason you're just not quite ready to let go.

In this case, hiding is your friend. And no, I'm not talking about hiding under the covers, waiting for this whole mess to blow over. I mean online hiding. If you feel you must stay friends with them on Facebook (for now), at the very least you must hide them from your feed so you’re not reminded of their existence every time they post a photo or “become a fan” of swiss cheese. You can do this by floating your curser to the right of one of their updates and a little HIDE box will pop up--you probably knew that already but just in case. There’s usually an option to do something like this for IM programs too--though seriously, please, if at all possible just delete them from those. I don’t know if there’s a Twitter equivalent, so if you’re not ready to unfollow it’s a good idea to take a break or seriously limit your t-time for a while.

In fact, it’s generally a very good idea to keep your time online within limits while you’re in breakup recovery mode. I know I sound like your mom, but try getting up from that monitor and going outside. Read a good book. Learn to knit or something. And if you can, release yourself for a while from any mobile tethers you have by temporarily deleting any Facebook-like applications from your mobile device. Allow yourself some time for escape from all that stuff while you work on moving on with your life. You can always re-install them later.

Whether you choose the rip-off-quickly method or gradual disengagement, the idea is to get yourself unstuck from the past and into a new phase of your life. So don’t let any relationship ghosts lurk too long in your laptop--you need to make room in there for bigger and better things.

Love from your Friend, Fan and Follower,

The Breakup Coach

No Man-Haters in This She-Woman Club (Only Evil Ex-Boyfriends Need Beware)

2009-09-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a new site that, along with advice and resources, will have some jokes and comments that'll take shots at a specific group of men: ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands. This might mistakenly give the impression that it's a man-hating website. To that I say, au contraire, mon frere!

In the Breakup Coach's circle (aka the Breakup Babes) we LOVE men. We have wonderful fathers, brothers, sons, friends--some of us have great boyfriends and husbands too. Our intention with this site is to provide a safe and fun place to vent and do what we need to do to get over relationships that are ending, so everyone can move on.

It’s good for women because it lets us work through our anger and move on to a better, happier place. It’s better for the men who will love us in the future (let’s get this stuff out now so the next guy doesn’t have to pay for our past struggles). It’s better for all the dads, brothers, and male friends who love us right now but who don’t have any idea what to do or say when we burst into tears for the tenth time in front of them; they can send us here!

Heck, it's even better for the ex’s who are no longer really in our lives (you know, the ones we’re making fun of?). If we’re venting about them, making jokes at their expense and drawing doodles on their pictures in a supportive, structured environment we’re a whole lot less likely to drunk dial them or key their car (not that any Breakup Babe would ever, EVER do anything like that. They're WAAAY too classy and high-road for that, but they might THINK about it once in a while)

I did make the choice to gear the new site toward women for now to provide focus and a stronger sense of community, though I'll continue to work with men individually and I'll still answer guys' questions on my advice column. Down the line I'd like to create a brother site to the Breakup Babes. So no, we don't hate men. Some readers of this blog and supporters of The Breakup Coach are guys. And just like in that deodorant commercial, a lot of the stuff on the new site will work for a man even though it's made for a woman. So guys, just ignore those jokes and embrace your innner Babe.

Here's to all the good guys,

The Breakup Coach

Random Acts of Coolness: Helping Strangers is Good for You

2009-09-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when we're going through a rough patch it makes us feel better to do something good for someone else. As I mentioned in another essay, it helps get us out of our own "stuff" for a while when we focus on other people, plus it can give you a little sense of accomplishment in addition to the natural good feeling that comes from making someone else happy. And one very cool, selfless way to help someone else is to do something nice for strangers, anonymously.

That's one reason why I think Operation Beautiful is so cool. It's a grassroots movement in which women are leaving encouraging sticky notes on the mirrors in ladies rooms and other public spaces. The most common message is that you're beautiful (amazing, gorgeous, fantastic) just the way you are. I left my first note (in photo below) yesterday; it won't be the last. People also submit photos of their notes AND notes they find to the website.

From Notes From BreakUp Land

Why not add it to your breakup recovery to-do list? It's so easy--you can pre-write a few on a pack of post-its and carry it in your bag for when the moment presents itself and start spreading the word at starbucks, the library, the DMV and any other random place where you use the ladies room. And, if you can, post some pics on operation beautiful and add links here, too. You'll inspire others and spread the love even more.

I guarantee you will feel a little lighter if you do.

Stay gorgeous,

The Breakup Coach

Between the Sheets: The Bed Makeover (Breakover)

2009-09-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

If you're going through a breakup here's an important assignment for your breakover (it’s like a makeover except not quite as fun, at least at first. But you WILL feel and look better by the end of the program if you follow the assignments, promise!)

Even if your ex never even saw your bed (except in their dreams), this is probably where you lay talking with them on the phone late at night, fantasizing about them, and so on. And if he was ever actually under those covers, well… In any case, a good bed makeover is key to any breakover program--out with the old and in with the new so that you don't feel stuck in the past. If you can afford it, splurge on some new sheets and a quilt or duvet cover. And how about some fresh new pillows? New colors/ patterns are key. If you REALLY love the stuff on your bed you can just stash it away for a couple of months while you're on the program. And if you're strapped for cash, think about asking a friend, roommate or family member to swap with you. You’ll also want to change the way your bed smells by washing those sheets with new detergent a la my advice about the importance of changing the scents you're exposed to.

Now that your bed is all fresh and new, it's time to change your place in it. If you usually sleep on the left side, slide right on over to the right — or better yet, spread out in the middle and give yourself a good, long stretch. Someday, when you're blissfully happy with the future love of your life, they still may kick you in your sleep, snore or steal the covers. Hey, nobody's perfect! For now, enjoy your temporary freedom.

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

A Question for You

2009-09-12T03:43:00.000-07:00

If your ex left you, you may be missing them and trying to figure out a way to get them back. Let's just imagine for a minute that you could do it. You said the magic words or did that one perfect thing, or hung around long enough, and somehow it worked and they're back.

Do you really want to be with, share your dreams with, sleep next to, live with, raise children with, tolerate crazy relatives with, grow old with...

... someone you felt you had to convince to be with you? Someone with whom you didn't know where you stood? Who you couldn't be yourself with because you were afraid they would leave you? Who wasn't quite sure you were the one for them? Who you weren't quite sure was the one for you?

Wouldn't you always wonder? Would you ever really feel at peace?

I was just curious.

The Care and Feeding of Your Support System: How to Avoid Collateral Friendship Damage During a Breakup

2009-08-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

A common piece of advice on getting through a breakup is to "take advantage of your support system". Of course times like these are one of the reasons we call family and friends a support system in the first place, but how we act during the breakup can put a strain on relationships with the people who love us and care about us the most. Friends and family may get impatient and frustrated with us, while we end up feeling let-down and disappointed. Sometimes we start to wonder if they really care, but the problem may be how you're trying to get support rather than whether they're willing to help.

Before you stop talking to your sis or give your best friend the cold shoulder just when you could really use HER shoulder to cry on, check out these guidelines for using your support system wisely.

Realize that there are different kinds of support and appreciate what each person can offer. Everyone has their strong and not-so-strong points and no one person is likely to give you all the support you need. Identify each person's strong point and concentrate on that for the time being.

Fun Distraction: Some friends are best for laughs and good times. They're not so good with the serious stuff but they're almost always ready to go out for a night on the town or a new adventure. Let your time with them be a time to get away from your troubles for a while and don't bring a lot of your troubles to them.

Activity Buddies: These relationships are similar to "fun friends" but your main bond is around a specific interest or activity (running partners, chess opponents, the other "doggie moms" at the local run). It's super-important to keep busy and stay involved with things you're interested in to reinforce the fact that you have your own life, but you won't really get that benefit if you spend all your time at pilates talking about your ex's commitment issues.

Advice Givers: They want to help and they've got some ideas about how to handle the situation. They're best to talk to when you're open to another opinion. They can get impatient when you're floundering and not sure about what you want, or when you just want to talk about how you feel, or if you bring up the same thing when they've already given you advice about it. Parents often fall under this category.

Good Listeners: Some people are just great at being patient and willing to listen when we need to talk They don't try to fix it and they don't brush it off. Go to these friends when you need a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure you don't overload them (more on this below). And even though they're good at it, don't only come to them to talk about your problems--share some happy moments with them too.

These aren't strict categories and many people can fill more than one of these roles; just try to focus on where each support person's strengths meet your needs rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Spread it around. This kind of naturally follows from the point above, but try not to load too much on any one person. I once saw a great demonstration about support systems in which the presenter put a dixie cup upside-down on the floor and identified it as a single-person support system. She stepped on it and of course it crumpled. Then she put about 10 cups in a group on the floor, placed a board on them, and stood on the board. The cups held her up! You can try it at home--it's pretty cool. Even your best friend in the world doesn't need to hear every single thought and feeling you're having. People are able able to support you better when you don't overburden them and no single person can be there for you all the time.

Avoid broken-record syndrome. Have you ever been listening to someone talk about something and gotten the feeling they'd gone through the same thing a bunch of times before? Either their speech sounds rehearsed, they seem sort of hypnotized as they talk, or even worse you've actually heard them say exactly the same stuff 10 times before! Whether it's with one listener over and over, or several different people over time, the speaker and the listener aren't really connecting when it's a broken-record speech. The speaker is basically talking to themselves with the listener in the room. When you're the speaker you're not really getting support from the listener; you're just telling yourself a story over and over and it's usually not a good one. And you're also alienating whoever is stuck listening. If you find yourself doing this, try journaling instead. It will give you a space to express your thoughts and you'll be able to see in black and white if you're having the same thoughts over and over--and start working on moving past them and get unstuck.

Don't forget to express gratitude. We can get so focused on our own troubles we forget to thank the people who are there for us when we need them. Take the time to express your appreciation in words and actions. A simple note, card or small gift will make them feel good; plus focusing on someone else's happiness for a bit is actually good for you too.

Find new support if you need it. Sometimes a crisis highlights the fact that our support network needs building. If you need more people in your corner, look into joining a support group (in-person or online) to have more people to talk to, or start a new class or activity if you just need more connection/distraction.

Just remember: the more you care for your support system, the better it can take care of you. And that's the point here--taking good care of you.

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Having Needs Doesn't Make You "Needy"

2009-08-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been told by a partner or other person in your life that you were "too needy", or ended up saying it to someone else? The term sure seems to get thrown around a lot, and it's definitely something most of us try very hard to avoid being called, to the point where we may feel afraid to express any desire or need to a partner.

But a lot of the time, when Jeff calls his partner Sandy needy, what Jeff is really trying to say is that he is unable or unwilling to meet a need that Sandy has expressed. The implication is often that Sandy is unreasonable or somehow messed-up for having that need. When it's set up this way it can feel to Sandy like she has two choices: to keep trying to get Jeff to give her what she's asking for (which doesn't seem to be going that well so far), or try to deny that she needs it or has a right to it (which leaves her disempowered and diminished). Jeff is stuck too, since he's being asked to do something he can't do and doesn't want to feel like he's wrong or a bad person because of it. So to keep from being wrong, he has to make Sandy "needy".

When we separate having needs from being needy we loosen the trap that automatically makes someone have to be wrong. Sandy can have a legitimate need which she has a right to get met. But meeting that need is her responsibility, not Jeff's. Maybe Sandy has a need to be reassured that she is beautiful and desirable. To be clear, she's not looking to Jeff and only Jeff to make her feel beautiful and desirable. That actually would be needy.

Instead, Sandy does things for herself that help her feel confident in this area. Yet it's also important that she gets some active expression from her partner in order to feel open and available to him. She can try to get her need met by asking Jeff to tell her that she is beautiful and desirable on a regular basis. Maybe Jeff can and is willing to do this; maybe he isn't. Sandy isn't "needy" for asking, though. If Jeff doesn't give her what she asks for, she can clarify this need for herself. Is hearing her partner say the words the only way she can get her need met, or is there another way that Jeff can express his desire and appreciation that would do the job? If it's the latter, they can see about working it out. If it's the former, she needs to be willing to let Jeff go.

When we keep trying to get something we need from someone who can't or won't give it to us, it's not about love anymore. It's devolved into a power struggle. When we pretend that we DON'T need something that we really DO just to keep someone around, we're sacrificing our personal integrity and also that of the relationship. It's really manipulation at that point, and it's just about guaranteed to breed resentment.

The "needy" label really applies only when we either make our partner responsible for meeting all of our needs, or when we persist in trying to get our needs met in a particular way from a particular person when they've made it clear that they're not up to the task.

It's more than okay to clarify and ask for what we need, as long as we're willing to walk away if the other person can't give it to us.

Special thanks to Rhonda Britten, whose teachings helped clarify the distinction between being needy and having needs.

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Scents, Memory and Moving On (or "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair")

2009-07-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

Of our five senses, smell is the one most tied to memory. A particular smell can bring us back to other times, places, and people in our lives in an instant.

There's a scientific basis for this, since apparently the areas of the brain that deal with smell, memory and emotion are all closely connected. Some of the top researchers who study this stuff are faculty at The Breakup Coach's very own alma mater, Brown University--including Dr. Rachel Herz, who wrote a very interesting and readable book on the topic called The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell.

Anyway, it's no wonder that the smells that we associate with a recent ex, or the relationship, can stir such strong feelings in us.

In any case, if you are dealing with a breakup it makes sense to "follow your nose" as you work through your stuff about the relationship and start moving forward with your life. Here are a couple of thoughts, depending on your situation.

Aromatherapy Boot Camp

If you're feeling stuck on your ex and having trouble moving on from the relationship, change some of the scents that are part of your daily life. Because we use these products daily, they form a kind of olfactory backdrop for our lives that our brains register unconsciously. Making the switch will help train your brain to start focusing on the fresh, new future ahead of you.

I suggest you change at least 3 of the following scented items: shampoo; soap/shower gel; deodorant; body lotion; laundry detergent (this is a really good one as it affects the smell of your sheets as well as your clothes). If you're strapped for cash try doing a swap with a friend (maybe not the deodorant, but the other stuff would be okay). If cash isn't an issue but you hate wasting, try giving your old stuff away to a shelter where they are always in need of personal care products.

Also since a lot of what we associate with taste is really smell you might also try switching your morning cereal or your regular coffee drink.

Full Immersion Sob Session

OK, this one is only for those of us who are having trouble getting in touch with our feelings. You know, that friend who insists she's ready to move on and start dating just a couple of hours after getting left at the alter, after her fiance ran off with her sister (or her brother!)?

For this one you're intentionally bringing yourself into the memories by exposing yourself to smells associated with the relationship. Get hold of some of your ex's brand of shampoo, cologne, detergent, etc. Sniff some of the same wine you shared on that special anniversary night. Pop a slice of their favorite bread in the toaster. One friend actually slept for several nights on the pillowcase which her ex had recently vacated--if you have access to anything like this and you've been holding back from feeling anything, give it a go, but for ONE night. Then have yourself a good, long cry.

Remember, this is only for those of us who haven't given ourselves a chance to feel the loss of the relationship--the majority of us have already cried enough tears and need to start exposing ourselves to new scents.

So grab that new bottle of shampoo, crank up the soundtrack to South Pacific, and lather away!

Copyright Sasha Carr 2009

Frogs and Princes

2009-07-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

Just about all of us are going to encounter many "Frogs" in this life. Encountering them and letting them fall away in order to make room for the "Prince" who will eventually appear is part of normal life.

I say this not from a place of cynicism, but with absolute faith in this process as an integral part of your journey in finding true love and ultimate happiness.

The lessons you learn in dealing with and totally letting go of your "Frogs" will help you recognize, appreciate, and open your heart to your own "Prince" when he appears.

So appreciate the "Frogs" for the lesson they are here to teach you. Thank them and let them move on. And know that you and your "Prince" will meet when you are ready.

Go get 'em, Princess!

The Breakup Coach

Changing Your Ex's Contact Info

2009-07-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself pining after your ex, calling them, or taking their calls even when you know you'd be better off not to, try following this tip:

* Pick a nickname for your ex that is non-complimentary, maybe a little funny, maybe just a little bit mean. EXAMPLES: Loser Dude, Mr. Wrong, StillLivesWithMom, etc.

* Now change the info in your cell phone and email contacts to the new nickname (Take them off any of your chat lists--keeping them there will just make you crazy!)

* When "Guy Just Not That Into Me" calls, texts or emails, you'll be reminded that he's your EX and maybe decide not to reply!

A Love Note from the Universe

2009-06-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite websites is tut.com , where you can sign up to receive free inspirational "Notes From the Universe" emails.

Here is one that landed in my inbox:

You know, The BreakUp Coach, I once had a dream that didn't come true. I know how that is. Ouch!! Painful!! Humiliating!!
Until I realized, it wasn't too late to dream something better.
It's never too late, The BreakUp Coach.

-The Universe  

P.S. Actually, The BreakUp Coach, I'm sure it would have come true eventually, but better is better, and who should have to wait?

This is a great reminder that when we attach and hold on so hard to something that we want, something that we believe is the only thing that will make us happy, and even keep holding onto it when it no longer serves us, we may actually be missing something even better that the Universe has in store for us. That's why, when I think about something that I want, I always try to practice saying, "This, or something better". It's my way of reminding myself that life may offer me something even better than what I can imagine right now, if I'm willing to stay open to the possibilities. That doesn't mean that I won't commit to what's important to me, or that I jump ship every time a situation becomes challenging, but I do allow myself to have faith that there is no one thing (or one person) in this world that will make me happy. Are you willing to allow for the possibility that the future holds something "even better" for you?

Dear Breakup Coach: What does it mean when he drunk dials?

2009-05-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

Dear BreakUp Coach,

My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago when he decided that he "needed space" after being together for 3 years. He's called a few different times, usually every couple of weeks, just to say hi and see what I was up to. Every time he calls I'm so happy to hear from him and talk to him, but when we hang up I feel sad and empty, especially since he never mentions anything about getting back together. Then the night before last he called at one in the morning, sounding like he might have been crying, and definitely like he had been drinking. He told me that he missed me and that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. Now I feel all turned around. Is it possible that the alcohol gave him the courage to say what he's been wanting to all along, that he really wants to get back together? What can I do to help him tell me how he's really feeling?

Signed,

Drunk-Dial Desiree

Dear Desiree,

I'm sorry that this experience has you feeling all turned around. Let me see if I can set you on a straighter path. Your EX-boyfriend (NOT your boyfriend--he lost that title when he broke up with you) decided that he didn't want to be with you anymore and that he was willing to potentially lose you forever in order to give himself space. Since then he has been calling you periodically, most likely when he's feeling bored or lonely, maybe to see if you're still available, and probably in order to get a "fix" for his ego and feel better about himself. Maybe he's just a tragically confused person who isn't aware of himself or his feelings. In a moment of weakness (aka drunkenness) he feels scared and insecure and worries that "maybe he made a mistake", so he calls to tell you that. Let's say it's true--do you really want to be with a guy who needs to be drunk to admit how he really feels about the woman whom he was with for THREE YEARS? Ms. Des, when your ex is able to work up the nerve to call you completely sober and during normal waking hours to tell you (not hint, tell) that he made a mistake breaking up with a woman as wonderful as you are and wants you back, then you may consider entertaining that possibility. Until then, everything he does is just noise, and you need to treat it as such by ignoring it. And no matter what happens, you need to keep moving forward with your life by taking a new class or starting a new sport, starting or changing your exercise routine, and, most importantly, dating other men if you aren't already!

Here's to moving forward,

The Breakup Coach

Dear BreakUp Coach: Why Give Up My Social Life Because of My Ex?

2007-12-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

Dear BreakUp Coach,

I'm trying to figure out whether I should go to a party at my ex-boyfriend's fraternity this weekend. We broke up two weeks ago and I have been pretty devastated by it, especially since it came as a big suprise to me because we were pretty serious and I thought things were going really well. Since we broke up he won't really talk to me and didn't call me back when I tried to call him and sent him a text message. The thing is, this is a really big party and my friends will be going, and I will feel like I am giving up and kind of like a loser if I don't go. I really want to prove that I'm okay and that I can move on without him. It will probably feel really weird to see him, but why should I not go, just because he decided to break up with me? That doesn't seem fair, don't you think? Why should I give up my whole social life because of him?

Signed,

Confused Co-Ed

Dear Confused,

I absolutely agree that there is no reason to give up your whole social life because of a break-up. Yet this is ONE party we're talking about. You mention that you've taken the break-up rather hard and that it's only been two weeks. While I strongly believe that you will recover from this and move on with your life soon, it's still pretty early days. If you were in a class or an organization together and likely to run into him I wouldn't encourage you to skip out on your own interests and commitments to avoid seeing him, but why not give yourself a little more time to recover and get your strength back before going to a party at his fraternity at which he will be on his "turf" and surrounded by his friends, and where you're probably not going to enjoy yourself? What if you didn't have to "prove" anything to him or anyone else, but actually gave yourself a chance to process your feelings so you could really move on rather than just pretend that you're okay? Are ALL of your friends going to that one party, or can you make your own alternative plans for this weekend? After you've given yourself some more time to get over it, then you might decide to go to hang out at his fraternity because you actually think you'll have a good time, rather than because you feel like you have to prove something.

Fearlessly,

The BreakUp Coach

Do Guys Have a Harder Time Dealing with Breakups?

2007-11-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

Since I have started offering myself as a resource on break-ups, I have noticed one trend which kind of surprised me.I have been hearing from more men than women! I never would have guessed that this would happen, since most books and other resources about coping with a break-up are geared toward women. Isn't it women who talk more about relationships? Aren't we the ones who are more oriented toward all of that kind of stuff? I mean, romantic movies are called "chick flicks" for a reason, right?

So why are more guys reaching out about breakups than gals? Aside from a few who seem to have been smitten and are hopeful that I will help them heal their hearts in ways more personal than professional (sorry fellas, I don't provide that kind of service!), the majority are quite sincerely looking for guidance in recovering from what for them has clearly been a difficult, painful experience.

Here are a couple of my thoughts about why this might be the case:

#1: Guys May Feel Hurts Harder

One of the biggest complaints that women have about men in relationships is that they don't want to talk about emotional topics, which leads some women to accuse the men in their lives of being insensitive. However, the opposite may be true. John Gottman, who is probably the leading marriage, divorce and relationship expert in the world, found a fascinating difference between the men and women in the couples he studied:

Gottman found that the women he studied were emotionally and physiologically more able to soothe themselves and calm down after feeling stressed. In contrast, he found that a man's adrenaline kicks in quite readily and does not calm down so easily.

Gottman also found that the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress. For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated for longer. The same goes for their blood pressure — his will become more elevated and stay higher longer.

When male subjects are deliberately treated rudely and then told to relax for twenty minutes, their blood pressure surges and stays elevated until they get to retaliate.When women are faced the same treatment, they are able to calm down an lower their BP during those twenty minutes.

In other words, there is physiological evidence that men are more easily overwhelmed by relationship conflict than are their female partners. The term for this emotional and physical overwhelm is "flooding".

While these rules don't necessarily apply to every individual male and female, Gottman has found that the majority of couples do follow these gender differences in physiological and psychological reactions to stress. (He and his colleagues also found similar gender-based differences among same-sex couples as well, so that interactions within female same-sex couples are more emotionally expressive than in male same-sex couples).

In any case, it follows that if men have more trouble dealing with emotions in general, they may have a harder (and longer) recovery from the hurt of a breakup once they allow themselves to feel that hurt. It also explain why many men will try so hard to avoid feeling anything after a breakup, since letting themselves feel those feelings is actually riskier for them than it is for women.

#2: Guys have less built-in support

Again, there is no hard and fast rule here and some individual men and women may not fall along these lines, but in general women have a lot more resources for social support after a break-up. They usually can talk about how they're feeling about it with family and friends without feeling embarrassed. And the people in their lives will usually expect them to talk about it and will even ask them about it.

In contrast, the average guy will avoid talking about the breakup because a) he doesn't want to get flooded by emotion from talking about it; b) he is embarrassed to admit that he cares because it is less socially acceptable for him to do so; c) most of his guy friends aren't good at talking about emotional stuff either, so they will avoid it and he will avoid making them uncomfortable.

In fact, for most straight guys their most important source for talking about emotions is their female partner, and a break-up often leaves them without any outlet just at a time when it might be helpful to talk. Because even if talking is risky for guys, most of them learn that under the right circumstances it can be extremely supportive and helpful.

Like when they decide to reach out to me, or someone like me. So hang in there guys, I know break-ups are hard for you too (maybe even harder).

The good news is that it is also just as possible for you to learn and grow from the experience, and be wiser and happier in the times ahead.

Dear BreakUp Coach: Can one bad breakup ruin a person for life?

2007-09-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

After a period of intense work activity followed by a vacation, and in response to reader demand, I am resuming the Dear BU Coach feature of this blog. So feel free to start sending me letters again. Here is one I received recently. The emphases in the text are mine, added to highlight some aspects of the letter upon which I will comment in my response.

Dear Breakup Coach,

Where to start? I don't know. I think I should tell you that I am seriously messed up. First of all, I haven't even broken up with anyone recently. It has been years actually. But I find myself going around in circles and coming back to this one point in my life.

I have always had lying girlfriends, or women that have cheated on me. I thought I had a great relationship with my ex-fiancée. We had been together for years. She was the girl that swore she would not do any of the stupid s--t that other girls had done in the past. She spent time figuring me out, and undoing all the wrong all the other women had done and gaining my full trust.

It's hard to pinpoint all the good moments because there were so many. She was my everything. But one night changed everything. She sat me down and explained to me that she had been cheating on me, that everything was a lie and she did not think that we would go this far. She had been doing this for quite some time now and she finally had to put a stop to it by letting me know.

She said she was sorry for everything she had done and returned my ring. I guess she moved on with her life, I am not really sure because I don't speak with her anymore. But before doing that she left me broken and pretty f----d up. She had done it all, from cheating, to amateur porn, to lying about her mother being dead. Turns out, after all these years that her mom was alive and well. I just never got to meet her because I was lied to. This is just one example of her pathological lies that I was brainwashed with. Just about everything was a lie, and she finally couldn't do it anymore.

So that's that. I didn't date anyone for a year. After that I tried a little but there were no connections. It seems that I have become incapable of establishing connections. And when I think I do, usually it's just temporary. I don't feel anything towards anyone anymore. It's as if I sit there and wait for the betrayal to come, or for the girl to screw something up so that I can get rid of her. I don't know if I am capable of dealing with people anymore. How can I? After the one woman that swore she would never do any of the other wrong things every other woman did turns out to be the one that did it all?

I guess this really isn't a question about how to cope but more of a question that goes "can a break-up be so bad that it leaves a person broken for the rest of their life?"

Signed,

Bitter (and Possibly) Broken Boy

Dear BBB,

To mirror your own phrasing, where to start? Okay, I will start by answering your closing question. I don't think your past has to define your future, and I don't believe that you are damaged beyond repair where love is concerned. I believe that there is part of you yearning, hoping, and possibly even ready for love right now. However, it sounds like you need to work on some stuff before that can come to pass.

One one hand, you seem to present your ex-fiancée's betrayal as a single experience that has left you wounded and mistrustful of other relationships. How painful it must have been for the one thing you were really trying to avoid, that you thought you had taken such pains to prevent, ended up happening after all.

However, I can't help noticing your comments about your relationships beforehand, in that you "have always had" lying, cheating girlfriends. Have you ever wondered why that was the case? I don't know this for certain, but I have found that often when we reccurently end up with partners that have the same negative qualities or behaviors, it's because there is something in us that is actually pulling for that. Conciously or unconciously, we repeat the same patterns by choosing the same type of partner, or (more far-out but I still believe to be true) unintentionally encouraging or setting the stage for our partners to behave in the same way. I have also noticed that some of the things which we fear the most, and try the hardest to avoid either by running away or trying to control situations that we're in, have a way of turning up again and again in our lives.

From your letter it sounds like you already had a pattern going before you met your ex. You were already telling yourself a story about your life: that you were someone whom women lied to and cheated on, and who therefore couldn't trust women or his own judgement about women. You shared this story with your ex and then placed the expectation on her to gain your trust and "undo all the wrong every other woman had done". You were looking to her to fix you, and yet you set the stage for the exact same betrayal to happen as had happened in the past--the very thing that you most feared (and yet expected) from a woman.

In truth, the only person who can fix you is you. The only person who can make you feel whole and retore your trust and faith where love is concerned is looking right back at you in the mirror. One of my mentors taught me (and my own experience as a therapist and coach has borne this out) that people who have trouble trusting others are actually challenged in their ability to trust themselves--to know and appreciate their own worth, and to value their own intuition and judgement. When you truly trust yourself, you will attract people and build relationships in which real trust is integral.

As broken and "f----d up" as you may have felt when your ex chose to tell you the truth about herself and return your ring, I am glad that this pathological person is out of your life. You could have married her and found out even later. I am also encouraged by your level of self-awareness in identifying that you are thinking and doing things now, like sitting and "waiting for the betrayal to happen", that are perpetuating your old pattern. Now you get to change the story.

Building trust in yourself is the type of self-work which will serve you most now. Specifically, I invite you to read How to Change Your Life in 30 Days by Rhonda Britten (the title isn't my favorite--it contrasts with the depth and beauty of the content). The whole book is great, but for you I particularly recommend Day 15 (Trusting Heart) and Day 19 (Forgiveness). But honestly there is a lot in the other chapters that you will likely find helpful.
Again, please know that you are NOT broken. But your beliefs about women, and more importantly yourself, are keeping you stuck.

Be FEARLESS,

The BreakUp Coach

Breakup Hotline

2007-08-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Girl Who readers. This following post is entered in “The Great Experiment”, a blog writing contest on www.thegirlwho.net. If this post is your favorite, go back to www.thegirlwho.net and post a comment with the name of this blog (Notes From BreakUpLand) and that’s your vote.

In any case I hope you enjoy it.

---------------------------

In honor of the joke classic "Psychiatric Hotline" I've created my own BreakUp Hotline.

Enjoy, and let me know if you have any ideas for the 7, 8 and 9 buttons.

"Welcome to The Breakup Hotline. Please listen to the following menu:

If you are trying to stay "just friends" with your recent ex in the hope of getting back together with them PRESS 2 repeatedly after having glued a sharp tack onto the button, since apparently you have a very high tolerance for pain.

If your boyfriend/girlfriend has told you that they love you, but they're not in love with you…but they'd like to still hang out and they will call you sometime soon, and you're not sure if you've been broken-up with, PRESS 3 and you will be connected with REALITY.

If you have been calling your ex repeatedly, or answering their booty calls, PRESS 4. This will activate a special feature that will cause your phone to self-destruct. You have 5 seconds to step away.

If you have been spending hours calling your ex and hanging up, staring at their messenger icon, watching their Facebook page, or engaging in any other kind of stalking, PRESS 5 to hear the sound of your life passing you by. Then put on some shoes and go outside for a walk.

If you are an attractive non-smoking male with a steady job who is not intimidated by smart, beautiful women, PRESS 6 to be connected to my personal voicemail. You will be instructed on where to send a photo and three references."

© 2009 Sasha Carr, All Rights Reserved, content may not be reprinted without permission from the author

What is Fear Telling You?

2007-08-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

When we're going through a challenging experience like a breakup or divorce, a big part of how we experience it has to do with what we're telling ourselves about the situation. Most of the time our lives are like a sporting event on television; we have our own little announcers in our heads giving us a running commentary on what's happening at any given time and what it all means. Often these internal voices are so much a part of our experience that we respond and react to them without even being fully aware of what they're saying. And often what they have to say is something disempowering, discouraging,or distressing, because they are coming from a place of fear. And fear's absolute, number one, favorite thing to tell us, in one way or another, is this:

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Why does fear tell us this? Because it's actually trying to keep us safe and prevent us from getting hurt. And unfortunately the only way it knows how to do that is to make us feel small and incapable. Fear figures that if it scares us into believing that we're not smart, attractive, or whatever-enough then we won't take risks that might end up hurting us. The best way it knows how to do this is by reminding us and telling stories about how we got hurt in the past, and why that means we shouldn't ever try anything like that again because we won't be able to handle it. Unfortunately, fear is so concerned for our safety that it fails to realize all of our strengths and accomplishments. It also ignores the fact that we truly want more passion, joy, and intimacy in our lives in order to be our true selves, and we can only have those things when we're willing to risk getting hurt.

Happily, we all have another internal voice that wants to be heard: the voice of freedom. Sometimes it isn't as loud as the voice of fear, so we need to practice listening to it. Because fear will lie to us, while freedom tells us the truth. Fear will twists facts based in reality to try to convince us that we're not good enough, while freedom knows that there is beauty in being imperfect and making mistakes because that's what makes us human.

Now, the particular words that our own personal fear-based internal announcer voice uses may be different on the surface, but they can all be traced back to that one message of not being good enough. So, what kind of things is fear telling you about a breakup? Here are a few common things we allow fear to tell us:

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" When you ask yourself this you're starting with two assumptions: that there is something wrong with you, and that this is the reason that the relationship ended. In other words, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. According to fear, relationships operate on some kind of merit system in which people who don't measure up get tossed aside. So what do you do when you tell yourself this? You beat yourself up, and you say and do things that are different from who you really are so that others will approve of you, robbing yourself (and them) of the opportunity for true intimacy.

Another twist on the same concept is, "WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE FOR LEAVING ME? I'M BETTER THAN THEY ARE". On the surface you sound confident, like you believe in yourself. And yet you're still listening to fear telling you that relationships are some kind of contest, and you've just been unfairly disqualified by judges who don't know what they're talking about. You'll start by building up evidence for why you're actually better than they are. But underneath will be the nagging question, "If you're really better than them, how come they broke up with you? You lost the contest, so somehow, even if you can't see it, probably it's because YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

The voice of freedom, on the other hand, knows that relationships aren't a contest. It will remind you that in reality the most physically beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, kind, and successful people experience heartbreak too. Freedom is confident in the knowledge that somewhere at this very moment a stunningly attractive multimillionaire with an advanced degree and a humanitarian award on their wall is going through the pain of a breakup. Why? Because they simply were in a relationship that wasn't right for them. Freedom will tell you, "I may not be perfect, since I'm human, and there may be things in myself that I want to work on in the future, yet when I am in a relationship that is truly right for me my partner will appreciate me for who I am."

*******

"I JUST LOST THE BEST THING I EVER HAD". I hear this one quite a bit. What I've come to realize is that when we say this to ourselves and others, what we're often really saying is, "I JUST LOST THE BEST THING I'M EVER GOING TO HAVE", i.e., "I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND ANYTHING BETTER". Why? Because according to fear, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You've blown it. Love is a lottery, you had a winning ticket, and you lost it. So what do you do? You give up, convinced that you have lost your one and only chance at happiness.
Freedom, on the other hand, will tell you, "Maybe that relationship WAS the best I ever had. That means that the quality of my relationships has been improving. If this relationship was really great, and since I was responsible for half of it, that actually means I have a better chance of building a relationship that's just as good or better in the future".

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"I DON'T CARE". This is a tricky one. On the surface it can seem strong and empowering. And yet what you're telling yourself (and other people) is that you don't believe it's okay for you to have feelings about the breakup, either because you somehow don't deserve to have the feelings or you're afraid that you can't handle them, or both. Or that other people will think that you're pathetic. In other words, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. So what do you do? You keep talking to your ex; you smile when mutual friends start talking about the new person your ex is dating; you start dating someone else before you have a chance to mourn and truly get over the relationship that has ended. You make yourself more and more unhappy, all because you keep telling yourself that "you don't care".

What freedom would have to say is, "I actually do care about this, and that's normal and okay. I'm a human being with feelings and relationships mean something to me. I'm allowed to go through this without pretending that everything's fine right now. I can handle painful feelings and come through them okay. And I can ask for support if I need it."

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So my question to you is, what is fear telling you about a breakup, or any other challenging situation in your life? In what ways is fear twisting the facts of a situation to try to convince you that you're not good enough? What would freedom have to say about it?

FEARLESSLY,

The BreakUp Coach

© 2007 Sasha Carr Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
Content may not be reproduced without permission from the author.

Breakup Commandment: No Contact for 60 Days

2007-07-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm going to share with you one of the cornerstones of breakup recovery: do not have ANY contact with your ex for 60 days.

This holds true whether you just broke up yesterday, or if it happened months (even years) ago and you are still caught up in it. Take 60 days without seeing them, talking to them on the phone, texting, emailing, looking at their online profiles, sending smoke signals or, yes, even listening to those old voicemail messages you have saved in your cellphone (you thought I didn't know about them, didn't you? ;-).

And of course, you won't be taking their calls, texts, emails, etc. either.

Why no contact? Because after a break-up you're confused. Lots of feelings tend to swirl around, including regret, self-doubt, anger...the kind of feelings that tend to cloud our judgement. If emotional turmoil can be described as muddy waters, the aftermath of a break-up is a veritable Mississipi River Delta after a big storm. And for many of us those troubled waters were already swirling for a while before the actual break-up happened. Time with no contact whatsoever provides the clarity you need in order to remember exactly who you are and find your emotional center.

Why 60 days? There's something about this timeframe that really helps to activate the psychological reset button. I've seen it in practice in clients, friends, and yours truly and it really works. I used to recommend 30 days, but it's really not enough--double that is just right.

Will it be easy to do? Maybe, but probably not. At least in the short term. For some people after the first week or so they find themselves thinking about their ex/relationship a lot less. Some don't even realize when they hit the 60-day mark because they've stopped keeping track at that point. In general it tends to get easier with time, so don't be discouraged if it seems overhwelming at the beginning.

If you end up texting your ex on Day 15, or taking a call from them, it's okay. Just dust yourself off and start fresh -- it's a new Day 1 for you, my friend.

So if you feel challenged in getting over a break-up, I invite to to try this. Feel free to check in with me and let me know how you're doing.

Sincerely, The BreakUp Coach

P.S. Okay, I can hear the questions coming up in your mind already, so here's a few answers off the bat.

Question: But I really just want to be friends! Why do I need to break contact for 60 days and risk damaging our friendship? Won't they be mad at me?

If you're honestly interested in a friendship with your ex then some time apart will actually improve your chances at a having just that, once the emotional fires have cooled a bit. And anyone who is truly interested in being your friend will understand your need to have some time to clear your head and wouldn't blame you for it.

Question: I think my ex may be the love of my life and I have a feeling we will end up together, but what if lose that chance by doing the no-contact thing?

Let's just imagine that you're right. My response is similar to the question above. If you really are meant to be together then some time apart shouldn't really change that. And no matter what you're thinking will happen eventually, clearly things haven't been going well lately or you wouldn't have broken up. Taking 60 days will allow you both to get clear about how you really feel and what you really want, and if you both decide to get back together it will be because you want to, and not because you were scared/confused/etc.

(Note: The more you find yourself objecting to the 60-day idea really strongly and finding reasons why you why shouldn't do it, the more you probably really need to do it. Behind all of those reasons is a fear of loss and letting go. Yeah, I know, likely not what you wanted to hear.)

Question: How will my ex know not to contact me? Isn't it mean to just stop responding to them? And it will be so much harder to stick to my plan if they keep trying and I have to ignore them.

For the sake of clarity, if you wish, you can send them one email in response to their first attempt to contact you (no callbacks or online chats).

Dear (Ex):

I need some time without any contact at all to get clarity, so I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me for a couple of months. Thank you for understanding.

(Your name here)

Question: Can't I just get over it without trying this?

Yes, it may technically be possible to move on with a break-up without taking this step, but it will be more messy, drawn-out, and painful than it needs to be.

Question: What happens after 60 days?

That is really up to you. Now that you have completed your full 60 days you can contact your ex, or decide to respond if they contact you, but you may find that you don't really want to at that point. The cool thing is that you will be able to make that choice with a much clearer, more settled mind.

There are lots more questions that I've heard before and probably some out there I've yet to hear, so fire 'em away if you've got 'em.

In a future blog I will be sharing ideas about how to occupy yourself while you're taking some clarity time and not contacting your ex.

Be Fearless,
The BreakUp Coach

Rewriting the Past

2007-05-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that in the aftermath of a breakup we often focus on the good things about our ex or the relationship, and tend to gloss over the things that weren't working?
You keep thinking about how fresh her hair smelled, and forget about her habit of interrupting you in the middle of a sentence. You focus on how nice he was to your dog, and draw a blank on the fact that he forgot your birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine's day.
There's no absolute answer on why our memory suddenly becomes so selective right after a breakup, but one thought is that when a relationship ends, one of our biggest fears is that the investment of our time, energy, and hearts wasn't worth it since the end result wasn't what we had expected. One way of protecting ourselves from this fear is to emphasize the good parts of the relationship and ignore the less-good parts. This way we don't feel like we were wrong or stupid to be in it in the first place.
But if we're willing to accept that the relationship can have had value and good things about it, AND that it ultimately didn't work for us and wasn't meant to continue, we don't need to rewrite history and torture ourselves with the thought that we've lost this (supposedly) beautiful, perfect thing in our lives. We get to see the relationship for what it really was, appreciate what it gave us and taught us, and move forward in our lives to greater happiness.
~ Notes from BreakUp Land, by Sasha Carr, Ph.D.

When One Door Closes...

2007-05-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

When you’re in the midst of dealing with a breakup, it often seems like you’ve lost your chance of being happy and having true love, when in fact the opposite is most likely true. Chances are that by ending this relationship you are actually moving one step closer to true, long-term happiness.

What do I mean by this? Well, when I interviewed people involved in happy, long-term marriages, I found that nearly every single one of them could recount a time when they were miserable and heartbroken over the ending of a previous relationship. But now that they were truly happy in their current marriages, they all expressed gratitude and relief that those previous relationship had ended, allowing them to eventually meet their true loves. If you’re currently dealing with the pain of a breakup and are worried that you’ve lost your chance at happiness, try doing your own survey of people you know who are in happy, long-term relationships. I’ll bet that most of them will be able to remember a time in the past when they felt just like you do now, and will tell you how grateful they now are that that old relationship had ended since otherwise they never would have found their partner!

So take heart in the knowledge that by moving through your current pain you are actually bringing yourself closer to finding a truly loving, fulfilling, and lasting partnership in the future. And I will leave you with one final thought: if we never had to go through breakups then most of us would still be with our boyfriend or girlfriend from junior high. (And if you're just now breaking up with your J.H.S. squeeze, you're just gonna have to trust me that better things are waiting ahead!)