If you find yourself pining after your ex, calling them, or taking their calls even when you know you'd be better off not to, try following this tip:
* Pick a nickname for your ex that is non-complimentary, maybe a little funny, maybe just a little bit mean. EXAMPLES: Loser Dude, Mr. Wrong, StillLivesWithMom, etc.
* Now change the info in your cell phone and email contacts to the new nickname (Take them off any of your chat lists--keeping them there will just make you crazy!)
* When "Guy Just Not That Into Me" calls, texts or emails, you'll be reminded that he's your EX and maybe decide not to reply!
Showing posts with label booty call. Show all posts
Showing posts with label booty call. Show all posts
7.08.2009
5.14.2009
Dear Breakup Coach: What does it mean when he drunk dials?
Dear BreakUp Coach,
My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago when he decided that he "needed space" after being together for 3 years. He's called a few different times, usually every couple of weeks, just to say hi and see what I was up to. Every time he calls I'm so happy to hear from him and talk to him, but when we hang up I feel sad and empty, especially since he never mentions anything about getting back together. Then the night before last he called at one in the morning, sounding like he might have been crying, and definitely like he had been drinking. He told me that he missed me and that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. Now I feel all turned around. Is it possible that the alcohol gave him the courage to say what he's been wanting to all along, that he really wants to get back together? What can I do to help him tell me how he's really feeling?
Signed,
Drunk-Dial Desiree
My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago when he decided that he "needed space" after being together for 3 years. He's called a few different times, usually every couple of weeks, just to say hi and see what I was up to. Every time he calls I'm so happy to hear from him and talk to him, but when we hang up I feel sad and empty, especially since he never mentions anything about getting back together. Then the night before last he called at one in the morning, sounding like he might have been crying, and definitely like he had been drinking. He told me that he missed me and that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. Now I feel all turned around. Is it possible that the alcohol gave him the courage to say what he's been wanting to all along, that he really wants to get back together? What can I do to help him tell me how he's really feeling?
Signed,
Drunk-Dial Desiree
Dear Desiree,
I'm sorry that this experience has you feeling all turned around. Let me see if I can set you on a straighter path. Your EX-boyfriend (NOT your boyfriend--he lost that title when he broke up with you) decided that he didn't want to be with you anymore and that he was willing to potentially lose you forever in order to give himself space. Since then he has been calling you periodically, most likely when he's feeling bored or lonely, maybe to see if you're still available, and probably in order to get a "fix" for his ego and feel better about himself. Maybe he's just a tragically confused person who isn't aware of himself or his feelings. In a moment of weakness (aka drunkenness) he feels scared and insecure and worries that "maybe he made a mistake", so he calls to tell you that. Let's say it's true--do you really want to be with a guy who needs to be drunk to admit how he really feels about the woman whom he was with for THREE YEARS? Ms. Des, when your ex is able to work up the nerve to call you completely sober and during normal waking hours to tell you (not hint, tell) that he made a mistake breaking up with a woman as wonderful as you are and wants you back, then you may consider entertaining that possibility. Until then, everything he does is just noise, and you need to treat it as such by ignoring it. And no matter what happens, you need to keep moving forward with your life by taking a new class or starting a new sport, starting or changing your exercise routine, and, most importantly, dating other men if you aren't already!
Here's to moving forward,
The Breakup Coach
I'm sorry that this experience has you feeling all turned around. Let me see if I can set you on a straighter path. Your EX-boyfriend (NOT your boyfriend--he lost that title when he broke up with you) decided that he didn't want to be with you anymore and that he was willing to potentially lose you forever in order to give himself space. Since then he has been calling you periodically, most likely when he's feeling bored or lonely, maybe to see if you're still available, and probably in order to get a "fix" for his ego and feel better about himself. Maybe he's just a tragically confused person who isn't aware of himself or his feelings. In a moment of weakness (aka drunkenness) he feels scared and insecure and worries that "maybe he made a mistake", so he calls to tell you that. Let's say it's true--do you really want to be with a guy who needs to be drunk to admit how he really feels about the woman whom he was with for THREE YEARS? Ms. Des, when your ex is able to work up the nerve to call you completely sober and during normal waking hours to tell you (not hint, tell) that he made a mistake breaking up with a woman as wonderful as you are and wants you back, then you may consider entertaining that possibility. Until then, everything he does is just noise, and you need to treat it as such by ignoring it. And no matter what happens, you need to keep moving forward with your life by taking a new class or starting a new sport, starting or changing your exercise routine, and, most importantly, dating other men if you aren't already!
Here's to moving forward,
The Breakup Coach
7.24.2007
Breakup Commandment: No Contact for 60 Days
I'm going to share with you one of the cornerstones of breakup recovery: do not have ANY contact with your ex for 60 days.
This holds true whether you just broke up yesterday, or if it happened months (even years) ago and you are still caught up in it. Take 60 days without seeing them, talking to them on the phone, texting, emailing, looking at their online profiles, sending smoke signals or, yes, even listening to those old voicemail messages you have saved in your cellphone (you thought I didn't know about them, didn't you? ;-).
And of course, you won't be taking their calls, texts, emails, etc. either.
Why no contact? Because after a break-up you're confused. Lots of feelings tend to swirl around, including regret, self-doubt, anger...the kind of feelings that tend to cloud our judgement. If emotional turmoil can be described as muddy waters, the aftermath of a break-up is a veritable Mississipi River Delta after a big storm. And for many of us those troubled waters were already swirling for a while before the actual break-up happened. Time with no contact whatsoever provides the clarity you need in order to remember exactly who you are and find your emotional center.
Why 60 days? There's something about this timeframe that really helps to activate the psychological reset button. I've seen it in practice in clients, friends, and yours truly and it really works. I used to recommend 30 days, but it's really not enough--double that is just right.
Will it be easy to do? Maybe, but probably not. At least in the short term. For some people after the first week or so they find themselves thinking about their ex/relationship a lot less. Some don't even realize when they hit the 60-day mark because they've stopped keeping track at that point. In general it tends to get easier with time, so don't be discouraged if it seems overhwelming at the beginning.
If you end up texting your ex on Day 15, or taking a call from them, it's okay. Just dust yourself off and start fresh -- it's a new Day 1 for you, my friend.
So if you feel challenged in getting over a break-up, I invite to to try this. Feel free to check in with me and let me know how you're doing.
Sincerely, The BreakUp Coach
P.S. Okay, I can hear the questions coming up in your mind already, so here's a few answers off the bat.
Question: But I really just want to be friends! Why do I need to break contact for 60 days and risk damaging our friendship? Won't they be mad at me?
If you're honestly interested in a friendship with your ex then some time apart will actually improve your chances at a having just that, once the emotional fires have cooled a bit. And anyone who is truly interested in being your friend will understand your need to have some time to clear your head and wouldn't blame you for it.
Question: I think my ex may be the love of my life and I have a feeling we will end up together, but what if lose that chance by doing the no-contact thing?
Let's just imagine that you're right. My response is similar to the question above. If you really are meant to be together then some time apart shouldn't really change that. And no matter what you're thinking will happen eventually, clearly things haven't been going well lately or you wouldn't have broken up. Taking 60 days will allow you both to get clear about how you really feel and what you really want, and if you both decide to get back together it will be because you want to, and not because you were scared/confused/etc.
(Note: The more you find yourself objecting to the 60-day idea really strongly and finding reasons why you why shouldn't do it, the more you probably really need to do it. Behind all of those reasons is a fear of loss and letting go. Yeah, I know, likely not what you wanted to hear.)
Question: How will my ex know not to contact me? Isn't it mean to just stop responding to them? And it will be so much harder to stick to my plan if they keep trying and I have to ignore them.
For the sake of clarity, if you wish, you can send them one email in response to their first attempt to contact you (no callbacks or online chats).
Dear (Ex):
I need some time without any contact at all to get clarity, so I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me for a couple of months. Thank you for understanding.
(Your name here)
Question: Can't I just get over it without trying this?
Yes, it may technically be possible to move on with a break-up without taking this step, but it will be more messy, drawn-out, and painful than it needs to be.
Question: What happens after 60 days?
That is really up to you. Now that you have completed your full 60 days you can contact your ex, or decide to respond if they contact you, but you may find that you don't really want to at that point. The cool thing is that you will be able to make that choice with a much clearer, more settled mind.
There are lots more questions that I've heard before and probably some out there I've yet to hear, so fire 'em away if you've got 'em.
In a future blog I will be sharing ideas about how to occupy yourself while you're taking some clarity time and not contacting your ex.
Be Fearless,
The BreakUp Coach
This holds true whether you just broke up yesterday, or if it happened months (even years) ago and you are still caught up in it. Take 60 days without seeing them, talking to them on the phone, texting, emailing, looking at their online profiles, sending smoke signals or, yes, even listening to those old voicemail messages you have saved in your cellphone (you thought I didn't know about them, didn't you? ;-).
And of course, you won't be taking their calls, texts, emails, etc. either.
Why no contact? Because after a break-up you're confused. Lots of feelings tend to swirl around, including regret, self-doubt, anger...the kind of feelings that tend to cloud our judgement. If emotional turmoil can be described as muddy waters, the aftermath of a break-up is a veritable Mississipi River Delta after a big storm. And for many of us those troubled waters were already swirling for a while before the actual break-up happened. Time with no contact whatsoever provides the clarity you need in order to remember exactly who you are and find your emotional center.
Why 60 days? There's something about this timeframe that really helps to activate the psychological reset button. I've seen it in practice in clients, friends, and yours truly and it really works. I used to recommend 30 days, but it's really not enough--double that is just right.
Will it be easy to do? Maybe, but probably not. At least in the short term. For some people after the first week or so they find themselves thinking about their ex/relationship a lot less. Some don't even realize when they hit the 60-day mark because they've stopped keeping track at that point. In general it tends to get easier with time, so don't be discouraged if it seems overhwelming at the beginning.
If you end up texting your ex on Day 15, or taking a call from them, it's okay. Just dust yourself off and start fresh -- it's a new Day 1 for you, my friend.
So if you feel challenged in getting over a break-up, I invite to to try this. Feel free to check in with me and let me know how you're doing.
Sincerely, The BreakUp Coach
P.S. Okay, I can hear the questions coming up in your mind already, so here's a few answers off the bat.
Question: But I really just want to be friends! Why do I need to break contact for 60 days and risk damaging our friendship? Won't they be mad at me?
If you're honestly interested in a friendship with your ex then some time apart will actually improve your chances at a having just that, once the emotional fires have cooled a bit. And anyone who is truly interested in being your friend will understand your need to have some time to clear your head and wouldn't blame you for it.
Question: I think my ex may be the love of my life and I have a feeling we will end up together, but what if lose that chance by doing the no-contact thing?
Let's just imagine that you're right. My response is similar to the question above. If you really are meant to be together then some time apart shouldn't really change that. And no matter what you're thinking will happen eventually, clearly things haven't been going well lately or you wouldn't have broken up. Taking 60 days will allow you both to get clear about how you really feel and what you really want, and if you both decide to get back together it will be because you want to, and not because you were scared/confused/etc.
(Note: The more you find yourself objecting to the 60-day idea really strongly and finding reasons why you why shouldn't do it, the more you probably really need to do it. Behind all of those reasons is a fear of loss and letting go. Yeah, I know, likely not what you wanted to hear.)
Question: How will my ex know not to contact me? Isn't it mean to just stop responding to them? And it will be so much harder to stick to my plan if they keep trying and I have to ignore them.
For the sake of clarity, if you wish, you can send them one email in response to their first attempt to contact you (no callbacks or online chats).
Dear (Ex):
I need some time without any contact at all to get clarity, so I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me for a couple of months. Thank you for understanding.
(Your name here)
Question: Can't I just get over it without trying this?
Yes, it may technically be possible to move on with a break-up without taking this step, but it will be more messy, drawn-out, and painful than it needs to be.
Question: What happens after 60 days?
That is really up to you. Now that you have completed your full 60 days you can contact your ex, or decide to respond if they contact you, but you may find that you don't really want to at that point. The cool thing is that you will be able to make that choice with a much clearer, more settled mind.
There are lots more questions that I've heard before and probably some out there I've yet to hear, so fire 'em away if you've got 'em.
In a future blog I will be sharing ideas about how to occupy yourself while you're taking some clarity time and not contacting your ex.
Be Fearless,
The BreakUp Coach
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