Don't Answer This Call!

Back in the early days, when The BreakUp Coach was just a twinkle in a brokenhearted girl's eye, and my awesome friend Ask Angie and I were coming up with cool things that the BUC could offer in the future, ringtones were definitely on the list.

We thought, wouldn't it be cool to have ringtones that would discourage you from picking up those lame booty calls from the ex-boyfriend, (or those even lamer calling-for-no-particular-reason-just-lingering-like-a-bad-rash calls?)

It's still on the list, but behind e-cards and e-coaching programs and a few other nifty features that are currently in production for the new site.

But in the meantime Dave Hahn, a true friend to the ladies (and guys) trying to shake off a bad ex-bf, has created an excellent example:

Ex-Boyfriend Ringtone by davidjhahn


How cool is that? I especially love the lame chatter from the ex and the sound of the phone exploding at the end -- kinda like something out of The BreakUp Hotline.

Kudos Mr. Hahn,

The BreakUp Coach

Out With the Old, In With the New

As 2009 comes to a close and we bid it farewell, I wonder what else we can say goodbye to?

How about lingering ex's? (Just thought of a new term for them: helicopter ex's)

Answering 3 a.m. booty calls and hoping that they mean anything beyond the fact that someone wants some booty.

Killing off a bottle of wine or gallon of ice cream (or both) because you-know-who didn't call.

Directing anger and hostility toward "other women" (it's really not about them, is it?)

Letting what someone else does or says (or doesn't do or say) dictate how you feel about yourself.

Staying in a relationship that doesn't work for you anymore just to protect someone's feelings, or because you're afraid of being alone.

What are you willing to let go of along with 2009?  What do you want more of in 2010, and what are you willing to do in order to get it?

Happy New Year,

The BreakUp Coach

Staying Safe After a Breakup When Your Ex is Abusive or Violent

I'm writing a more detailed piece on this topic for breakup-coach.com, but since it's almost the end of Domestic Violence Awareness month I wanted to post some initial thoughts.  While many of us end up pining away after an elusive ex, too many others have to deal with a former partner who won't leave us alone.  This may range from annoying drunk texts in the middle of the night to real terror and violence.


At least 2 news stories just this morning involve stabbings by jealous ex-boyfriends, as found in this link and in this one


If you feel unsafe in any way because of your ex or a current partner, you can use the National Domestic Violence Hotline as a resource,  800−799−7233 or ndvh.org 


Be smart, be safe, please.

Don't Believe the Reverse-a-Breakup Hype

A lot of people looking for help or advice about a breakup search for it online; that might be how you found me in the first place.  Unfortunately a lot of the “help” offered is a marketing scheme designed to prey on the vulnerability and insecurity that we naturally tend to feel in the midst of a breakup in order to squeeze us for some of our hard-earned cash.

If you try googling or doing a twitter search for phrases like “breakup help” or “ex-boyfriend”, here are some of the most common results you’ll get:

“Proven techniques to reverse your breakup for just $19.95!”

“Get your ex back in your arms in 5 easy steps!”

or my favorite:

“Dirty psychological tricks to get your ex-boyfriend back”

Oh great, sign me up.  Using dirty tricks to try to get someone to fall back in love with me sounds like a fantastic idea.    With a foundation like that you’re sure to build a healthy relationship (you can’t see me so you’ll have to just picture me rolling my eyes).  And of course I’m sure it’s foolproof, because when do deception, manipulation and desperation NOT pay off in relationships, right?

So let’s say I go to the site to find out more about this brilliant, amazing, can’t-fail system, what then?  Usually I get something that looks sort of like an advice site, but which basically is funneling me toward buying a downloadable eBook for somewhere between 11.99 and 29.95.  In it I’ll find some really cutting-edge strategies like playing it cool and making them jealous by flirting with other people.  These original gems will be served up in a typo-filled document that looks like it took the author a couple of hours or so to write.

The fact that this kind of stuff populates the internet and clogs up the “breakup” search column on my tweetdeck speaks to how vulnerable and, yes, desperate many of us can feel at one point or another during a breakup.  The fact that there’s so much of it out there means that someone is buying this stuff, even though a) it’s not particularly insightful or useful and b) even if it did work it would at best be a temporary fix that would backfire in the long run.  

To continue with a cigarette analogy used in a previous entry, these pitches are kind of like offering to sell you a 75%-off coupon on a lifetime supply of cigarettes while you’re trying to quit but are currently in serious (and temporary) withdrawal.  Just when you’re having a major jones for those smokes, even though you know they aren’t good for you, up pops this tantalizing offer to give you all the butts you’d ever want at a serious discount!  Why not pony up a few bucks for it?  The problem, as I’ve mentioned, is that even if the store accepts that coupon (which it almost definitely won’t), you’ve just bought an express ticket to lung cancer, heart disease and premature wrinkles.  And no, trying to trick your ex into taking you back won’t give you lung cancer, but it sure is likely to give you heartbreak and a few new worry lines.

It’s such an obvious truth but one that bears repeating: if your ex broke up with you, it was for a reason. If you broke up with them, it was also for a reason.  Maybe, and it’s a BIG maybe, in some cases, once in a while, there was a misunderstanding or conflict that the two of you might be able to resolve.  But that stuff doesn’t get fixed by using strategies or tricks; it requires communication, negotiation, and openness.  And it almost always needs to start by giving each other some major space for each of you to sort your own heads and hearts out. 

And in the vast majority of cases the solution is to take some space, learn from your experiences and mistakes, and move on.  It may hurt in the short run, so take care of yourself and get support from people who care about you.  Use other resources like the books I recommend here.  Hopefully some of the advice I offer  (along with other reputable sites out there)  will help too. Just try to avoid the snake-oil internet salesman if you can and use those bucks to treat yourself to a pedicure instead--it’ll do you more good.


You're so money and you don't even know it,


The Breakup Coach

Crazy-Ex-Syndrome: Step Away From the Goldfish Please!

The newswires, twitterverse, and yes, the blogosphere were all abuzz late this week over a bizarre incident which occurred a few days ago in Texas (news link here). Apparently an angry ex-girlfriend (common-law wife, technically) went to her ex's home, took the seven goldfish that had once belonged to both of them in happier times, fried them, and ate them (well, at least three of them anyway--I guess anger only took her so far).


Now firstly, this is just plain horrifying. Clearly this woman was very disturbed to do something so malicious and macabre to those innocent animals. (Though some have pointed out that this doesn't really qualify as animal cruelty since we as a society regularly kill and eat fish. I can respect that viewpoint. But at the very least the intent makes it cruel.)


In any case, the story has spread around the world like virtual wildfire. Clearly people are fascinated by the tale. Some are even amused, at least partly in spite of themselves, but whatever their reaction, people are talking about it, a lot.


It's not really surprising that the story has captured so much attention, given our culture's longstanding preoccupation with an archetype that this woman stands for: the volative, vindictive female ex. People will hear a story like this, nod, and intone something like that old standby, "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned" (William Congreve, 1697; a lot of people think another William (Shakepeare) said it, but it was Mr.C). Anyway, there's definitely an idea floating around in our collective unconscious that jilted female lovers are often crazy and dangerous, and it's reflected in many of our stories. They go back at least as far as the ancient greek goddess Hera, wife of Zeus, who would take out her jealous wrath on his lovers by turning them into various animals (though, apparently, not going so far as to cook and eat those animals). Speaking of cooking, the most iconic example of this crazy-female-ex syndrome is, of course, Glenn Close's role in the movie Fatal Attraction. A poor bunny rabbit was the victim of her wrath in that case (what is it with the cooking of pets, anyway?) There was a movie starring Beyonce out this year, Obsessed, which I think stayed in theaters for about 5 minutes, but it went along similar lines.


Clearly things like this do happen, as the true story out of texas demonstrates. Sometimes women go crazy during a breakup, and my last post discussed that at length. Sometimes, unfortunately, they were disturbed before the breakup and it comes out during or after a split. It's a real problem, and helping to minimize its impact is part of why I do what I do.


However, the story that happens far, far more often involves men stalking, harrassing, attacking and ultimately killing their former partners. Whether the relationship is heterosexual or same-sex, men are far more likely than women to act out in a way that is threatening or violent during a breakup or divorce. You can check out some statistics about gender and ex-intimate partner stalking here.


Not to say that it's in any way less scary or horrible when a man is the victim and the woman is the perpetrator. It's just awful and wrong, no matter who's doing it. I do find it interesting though how absorbed our culture is by the whole hell-hath-no-fury thing about women. Maybe hell doesn't, but according to those statistics I would say that men certainly do hath it, and more so than women. Maybe the fact that it's so unfortunately common, and therefore sad, is what keeps it from being as compelling a story?


Perhaps it would be a good idea to include in the new website I'm building a section on what to do about an ex who won't leave you alone? My focus so far has been on getting over your ex, but what about when they won't get over you and things have taken a dark turn? Serious food for thought there. I know one of the effects of being stalked is feeling isolated; I'd like to give support if I can. For now, here's at least one link with some info for stalking or potential stalking victims here.


In the meantime, if you're the one who's angry, talk to your friends about it, or a professional if needed. Get your aggression out at the gym or a serious cleaning frenzy. Get yourself somewhere private where you won't freak anyone out and scream your head off for a minute if you need to. Just leave the goldfish alone, please.

Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #5: Dealing with Your Life Online

I'm posting this as Breakover Tip #5 because I'm counting some earlier posts as tips #1-4:
(By the way the No Contact for 60 Days advice is more of a commandment than a tip!)
1. Give your bed a makeover
2. Change up what your nose knows
3. Try doing something for someone else
4. Change your ex's contact info

This tip is about how to be online while going through a breakup and avoid 1)impulsively making contact with your ex in a moment of weakness and 2) spying on your ex online, which can be oh-so tempting yet always manages to make you feel worse--there are few things quite so effective in sucking up your time, energy and self-respect as monitoring your ex online--if you listen closely you might be able to actually HEAR your own life draining away.

Tip #5 is kind of an expansion on tip #4. They share a purpose in helping you avoid contact with your ex, especially the kind you're most likely to regret (like when you're in panic mode after your much younger cousin announces her engagement, or when you've had one (or four) too many mojitos).

So, how do you keep from drunk (or any kind of unplanned) emailing, IM'ing, facebooking, tweeting, and whatever other online communication routes you have that I've probably never even heard of? How do you keep from getting yourself sucked into soul-killing online stalker mode?

In an ideal world you'll detach from them completely. You’ll erase any of their email addresses as well as all of their email messages. You'll de-friend them on Facebook and unfollow them on Twitter. (If we lived in the days of smoke signals I guess you'd be throwing away your kindling and pouring water over the logs). And of course you'll delete them from any instant messenger lists (IM monitoring is an especially good way to torture yourself during a breakup). Full erasure and un-linkage is the online equivalent of quickly ripping off a band-aid or wax strip: it's much better in the long run to just do it and get it over with!

But ok, let's say you're not quite ready to do that. You're still trying to be "just friends" (good luck with that by the way), you need to keep some kind of contact with them because you work or have kids together, or for some other reason you're just not quite ready to let go.

In this case, hiding is your friend. And no, I'm not talking about hiding under the covers, waiting for this whole mess to blow over. I mean online hiding. If you feel you must stay friends with them on Facebook (for now), at the very least you must hide them from your feed so you’re not reminded of their existence every time they post a photo or “become a fan” of swiss cheese. You can do this by floating your curser to the right of one of their updates and a little HIDE box will pop up--you probably knew that already but just in case. There’s usually an option to do something like this for IM programs too--though seriously, please, if at all possible just delete them from those. I don’t know if there’s a Twitter equivalent, so if you’re not ready to unfollow it’s a good idea to take a break or seriously limit your t-time for a while.

In fact, it’s generally a very good idea to keep your time online within limits while you’re in breakup recovery mode. I know I sound like your mom, but try getting up from that monitor and going outside. Read a good book. Learn to knit or something. And if you can, release yourself for a while from any mobile tethers you have by temporarily deleting any Facebook-like applications from your mobile device. Allow yourself some time for escape from all that stuff while you work on moving on with your life. You can always re-install them later.

Whether you choose the rip-off-quickly method or gradual disengagement, the idea is to get yourself unstuck from the past and into a new phase of your life. So don’t let any relationship ghosts lurk too long in your laptop--you need to make room in there for bigger and better things.

Love from your Friend, Fan and Follower,

The Breakup Coach

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

No Man-Haters in This She-Woman Club (Only Evil Ex-Boyfriends Need Beware)

I'm working on a new site that, along with advice and resources, will have some jokes and comments that'll take shots at a specific group of men: ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands. This might mistakenly give the impression that it's a man-hating website. To that I say, au contraire, mon frere!

In the Breakup Coach's circle (aka the Breakup Babes) we LOVE men. We have wonderful fathers, brothers, sons, friends--some of us have great boyfriends and husbands too. Our intention with this site is to provide a safe and fun place to vent and do what we need to do to get over relationships that are ending, so everyone can move on.

It’s good for women because it lets us work through our anger and move on to a better, happier place. It’s better for the men who will love us in the future (let’s get this stuff out now so the next guy doesn’t have to pay for our past struggles). It’s better for all the dads, brothers, and male friends who love us right now but who don’t have any idea what to do or say when we burst into tears for the tenth time in front of them; they can send us here!

Heck, it's even better for the ex’s who are no longer really in our lives (you know, the ones we’re making fun of?). If we’re venting about them, making jokes at their expense and drawing doodles on their pictures in a supportive, structured environment we’re a whole lot less likely to drunk dial them or key their car (not that any Breakup Babe would ever, EVER do anything like that. They're WAAAY too classy and high-road for that, but they might THINK about it once in a while)

I did make the choice to gear the new site toward women for now to provide focus and a stronger sense of community, though I'll continue to work with men individually and I'll still answer guys' questions on my advice column. Down the line I'd like to create a brother site to the Breakup Babes. So no, we don't hate men. Some readers of this blog and supporters of The Breakup Coach are guys. And just like in that deodorant commercial, a lot of the stuff on the new site will work for a man even though it's made for a woman. So guys, just ignore those jokes and embrace your innner Babe.

Here's to all the good guys,

The Breakup Coach

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Random Acts of Coolness: Helping Strangers is Good for You

Sometimes when we're going through a rough patch it makes us feel better to do something good for someone else. As I mentioned in another essay, it helps get us out of our own "stuff" for a while when we focus on other people, plus it can give you a little sense of accomplishment in addition to the natural good feeling that comes from making someone else happy. And one very cool, selfless way to help someone else is to do something nice for strangers, anonymously.

That's one reason why I think Operation Beautiful is so cool. It's a grassroots movement in which women are leaving encouraging sticky notes on the mirrors in ladies rooms and other public spaces. The most common message is that you're beautiful (amazing, gorgeous, fantastic) just the way you are. I left my first note (in photo below) yesterday; it won't be the last. People also submit photos of their notes AND notes they find to the website.

From Notes From BreakUp Land

Why not add it to your breakup recovery to-do list? It's so easy--you can pre-write a few on a pack of post-its and carry it in your bag for when the moment presents itself and start spreading the word at starbucks, the library, the DMV and any other random place where you use the ladies room. And, if you can, post some pics on operation beautiful and add links here, too. You'll inspire others and spread the love even more.

I guarantee you will feel a little lighter if you do.

Stay gorgeous,

The Breakup Coach

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Between the Sheets: The Bed Makeover (Breakover)

If you're going through a breakup here's an important assignment for your breakover (it’s like a makeover except not quite as fun, at least at first. But you WILL feel and look better by the end of the program if you follow the assignments, promise!)

Even if your ex never even saw your bed (except in their dreams), this is probably where you lay talking with them on the phone late at night, fantasizing about them, and so on.  And if he was ever actually under those covers, well… In any case, a good bed makeover is key to any breakover program--out with the old and in with the new so that you don't feel stuck in the past.  If you can afford it, splurge on some new sheets and a quilt or duvet cover.  And how about some fresh new pillows?  New colors/ patterns are key. If you REALLY love the stuff on your bed you can just stash it away for a couple of months while you're on the program.  And if you're strapped for cash, think about asking a friend, roommate or family member to swap with you. You’ll also want to change the way your bed smells by washing those sheets with new detergent a la my advice about the importance of changing the scents you're exposed to.

Now that your bed is all fresh and new, it's time to change your place in it.  If you usually sleep on the left side, slide right on over to the right — or better yet, spread out in the middle and give yourself a good, long stretch.  Someday, when you're blissfully happy with the future love of your life, they still may kick you in your sleep, snore or steal the covers.  Hey, nobody's perfect! For now, enjoy your temporary freedom.


Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

A Question for You

If your ex left you, you may be missing them and trying to figure out a way to get them back. Let's just imagine for a minute that you could do it. You said the magic words or did that one perfect thing, or hung around long enough, and somehow it worked and they're back.

Do you really want to be with, share your dreams with, sleep next to, live with, raise children with, tolerate crazy relatives with, grow old with...

... someone you felt you had to convince to be with you? Someone with whom you didn't know where you stood? Who you couldn't be yourself with because you were afraid they would leave you? Who wasn't quite sure you were the one for them? Who you weren't quite sure was the one for you?

Wouldn't you always wonder? Would you ever really feel at peace?

I was just curious.

The Care and Feeding of Your Support System: How to Avoid Collateral Friendship Damage During a Breakup

A common piece of advice on getting through a breakup is to "take advantage of your support system". Of course times like these are one of the reasons we call family and friends a support system in the first place, but how we act during the breakup can put a strain on relationships with the people who love us and care about us the most. Friends and family may get impatient and frustrated with us, while we end up feeling let-down and disappointed. Sometimes we start to wonder if they really care, but the problem may be how you're trying to get support rather than whether they're willing to help.

Before you stop talking to your sis or give your best friend the cold shoulder just when you could really use HER shoulder to cry on, check out these guidelines for using your support system wisely.

Realize that there are different kinds of support and appreciate what each person can offer. Everyone has their strong and not-so-strong points and no one person is likely to give you all the support you need. Identify each person's strong point and concentrate on that for the time being.

Fun Distraction: Some friends are best for laughs and good times. They're not so good with the serious stuff but they're almost always ready to go out for a night on the town or a new adventure. Let your time with them be a time to get away from your troubles for a while and don't bring a lot of your troubles to them.

Activity Buddies: These relationships are similar to "fun friends" but your main bond is around a specific interest or activity (running partners, chess opponents, the other "doggie moms" at the local run). It's super-important to keep busy and stay involved with things you're interested in to reinforce the fact that you have your own life, but you won't really get that benefit if you spend all your time at pilates talking about your ex's commitment issues.

Advice Givers: They want to help and they've got some ideas about how to handle the situation. They're best to talk to when you're open to another opinion. They can get impatient when you're floundering and not sure about what you want, or when you just want to talk about how you feel, or if you bring up the same thing when they've already given you advice about it. Parents often fall under this category.

Good Listeners: Some people are just great at being patient and willing to listen when we need to talk They don't try to fix it and they don't brush it off. Go to these friends when you need a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure you don't overload them (more on this below). And even though they're good at it, don't only come to them to talk about your problems--share some happy moments with them too.

These aren't strict categories and many people can fill more than one of these roles; just try to focus on where each support person's strengths meet your needs rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Spread it around. This kind of naturally follows from the point above, but try not to load too much on any one person. I once saw a great demonstration about support systems in which the presenter put a dixie cup upside-down on the floor and identified it as a single-person support system. She stepped on it and of course it crumpled. Then she put about 10 cups in a group on the floor, placed a board on them, and stood on the board. The cups held her up! You can try it at home--it's pretty cool. Even your best friend in the world doesn't need to hear every single thought and feeling you're having. People are able able to support you better when you don't overburden them and no single person can be there for you all the time.

Avoid broken-record syndrome. Have you ever been listening to someone talk about something and gotten the feeling they'd gone through the same thing a bunch of times before? Either their speech sounds rehearsed, they seem sort of hypnotized as they talk, or even worse you've actually heard them say exactly the same stuff 10 times before! Whether it's with one listener over and over, or several different people over time, the speaker and the listener aren't really connecting when it's a broken-record speech. The speaker is basically talking to themselves with the listener in the room. When you're the speaker you're not really getting support from the listener; you're just telling yourself a story over and over and it's usually not a good one. And you're also alienating whoever is stuck listening. If you find yourself doing this, try journaling instead. It will give you a space to express your thoughts and you'll be able to see in black and white if you're having the same thoughts over and over--and start working on moving past them and get unstuck.

Don't forget to express gratitude. We can get so focused on our own troubles we forget to thank the people who are there for us when we need them. Take the time to express your appreciation in words and actions. A simple note, card or small gift will make them feel good; plus focusing on someone else's happiness for a bit is actually good for you too.

Find new support if you need it. Sometimes a crisis highlights the fact that our support network needs building. If you need more people in your corner, look into joining a support group (in-person or online) to have more people to talk to, or start a new class or activity if you just need more connection/distraction.

Just remember: the more you care for your support system, the better it can take care of you. And that's the point here--taking good care of you.


Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Having Needs Doesn't Make You "Needy"

Have you ever been told by a partner or other person in your life that you were "too needy", or ended up saying it to someone else? The term sure seems to get thrown around a lot, and it's definitely something most of us try very hard to avoid being called, to the point where we may feel afraid to express any desire or need to a partner.

But a lot of the time, when Jeff calls his partner Sandy needy, what Jeff is really trying to say is that he is unable or unwilling to meet a need that Sandy has expressed. The implication is often that Sandy is unreasonable or somehow messed-up for having that need. When it's set up this way it can feel to Sandy like she has two choices: to keep trying to get Jeff to give her what she's asking for (which doesn't seem to be going that well so far), or try to deny that she needs it or has a right to it (which leaves her disempowered and diminished). Jeff is stuck too, since he's being asked to do something he can't do and doesn't want to feel like he's wrong or a bad person because of it. So to keep from being wrong, he has to make Sandy "needy".

When we separate having needs from being needy we loosen the trap that automatically makes someone have to be wrong. Sandy can have a legitimate need which she has a right to get met. But meeting that need is her responsibility, not Jeff's. Maybe Sandy has a need to be reassured that she is beautiful and desirable. To be clear, she's not looking to Jeff and only Jeff to make her feel beautiful and desirable. That actually would be needy.

Instead, Sandy does things for herself that help her feel confident in this area. Yet it's also important that she gets some active expression from her partner in order to feel open and available to him. She can try to get her need met by asking Jeff to tell her that she is beautiful and desirable on a regular basis. Maybe Jeff can and is willing to do this; maybe he isn't. Sandy isn't "needy" for asking, though. If Jeff doesn't give her what she asks for, she can clarify this need for herself. Is hearing her partner say the words the only way she can get her need met, or is there another way that Jeff can express his desire and appreciation that would do the job? If it's the latter, they can see about working it out. If it's the former, she needs to be willing to let Jeff go.

When we keep trying to get something we need from someone who can't or won't give it to us, it's not about love anymore. It's devolved into a power struggle. When we pretend that we DON'T need something that we really DO just to keep someone around, we're sacrificing our personal integrity and also that of the relationship. It's really manipulation at that point, and it's just about guaranteed to breed resentment.

The "needy" label really applies only when we either make our partner responsible for meeting all of our needs, or when we persist in trying to get our needs met in a particular way from a particular person when they've made it clear that they're not up to the task.

It's more than okay to clarify and ask for what we need, as long as we're willing to walk away if the other person can't give it to us.

Special thanks to Rhonda Britten, whose teachings helped clarify the distinction between being needy and having needs.



Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Scents, Memory and Moving On (or "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair")

Of our five senses, smell is the one most tied to memory. A particular smell can bring us back to other times, places, and people in our lives in an instant.

There's a scientific basis for this, since apparently the areas of the brain that deal with smell, memory and emotion are all closely connected. Some of the top researchers who study this stuff are faculty at The Breakup Coach's very own alma mater, Brown University--including Dr. Rachel Herz, who wrote a very interesting and readable book on the topic called The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell.

Anyway, it's no wonder that the smells that we associate with a recent ex, or the relationship, can stir such strong feelings in us.

In any case, if you are dealing with a breakup it makes sense to "follow your nose" as you work through your stuff about the relationship and start moving forward with your life. Here are a couple of thoughts, depending on your situation.

Aromatherapy Boot Camp

If you're feeling stuck on your ex and having trouble moving on from the relationship, change some of the scents that are part of your daily life. Because we use these products daily, they form a kind of olfactory backdrop for our lives that our brains register unconsciously. Making the switch will help train your brain to start focusing on the fresh, new future ahead of you.

I suggest you change at least 3 of the following scented items: shampoo; soap/shower gel; deodorant; body lotion; laundry detergent (this is a really good one as it affects the smell of your sheets as well as your clothes). If you're strapped for cash try doing a swap with a friend (maybe not the deodorant, but the other stuff would be okay). If cash isn't an issue but you hate wasting, try giving your old stuff away to a shelter where they are always in need of personal care products.

Also since a lot of what we associate with taste is really smell you might also try switching your morning cereal or your regular coffee drink.

Full Immersion Sob Session

OK, this one is only for those of us who are having trouble getting in touch with our feelings. You know, that friend who insists she's ready to move on and start dating just a couple of hours after getting left at the alter, after her fiance ran off with her sister (or her brother!)?

For this one you're intentionally bringing yourself into the memories by exposing yourself to smells associated with the relationship. Get hold of some of your ex's brand of shampoo, cologne, detergent, etc. Sniff some of the same wine you shared on that special anniversary night. Pop a slice of their favorite bread in the toaster. One friend actually slept for several nights on the pillowcase which her ex had recently vacated--if you have access to anything like this and you've been holding back from feeling anything, give it a go, but for ONE night. Then have yourself a good, long cry.

Remember, this is only for those of us who haven't given ourselves a chance to feel the loss of the relationship--the majority of us have already cried enough tears and need to start exposing ourselves to new scents.

So grab that new bottle of shampoo, crank up the soundtrack to South Pacific, and lather away!

Copyright Sasha Carr 2009

Frogs and Princes

Just about all of us are going to encounter many "Frogs" in this life. Encountering them and letting them fall away in order to make room for the "Prince" who will eventually appear is part of normal life.

I say this not from a place of cynicism, but with absolute faith in this process as an integral part of your journey in finding true love and ultimate happiness.

The lessons you learn in dealing with and totally letting go of your "Frogs" will help you recognize, appreciate, and open your heart to your own "Prince" when he appears.

So appreciate the "Frogs" for the lesson they are here to teach you. Thank them and let them move on. And know that you and your "Prince" will meet when you are ready.

Go get 'em, Princess!

The Breakup Coach

Changing Your Ex's Contact Info

If you find yourself pining after your ex, calling them, or taking their calls even when you know you'd be better off not to, try following this tip:

* Pick a nickname for your ex that is non-complimentary, maybe a little funny, maybe just a little bit mean. EXAMPLES: Loser Dude, Mr. Wrong, StillLivesWithMom, etc.

* Now change the info in your cell phone and email contacts to the new nickname (Take them off any of your chat lists--keeping them there will just make you crazy!)

* When "Guy Just Not That Into Me" calls, texts or emails, you'll be reminded that he's your EX and maybe decide not to reply!

A Love Note from the Universe

One of my favorite websites is tut.com , where you can sign up to receive free inspirational "Notes From the Universe" emails.

Here is one that landed in my inbox:

You know, The BreakUp Coach, I once had a dream that didn't come true. I know how that is. Ouch!! Painful!! Humiliating!!
Until I realized, it wasn't too late to dream something better.
It's never too late, The BreakUp Coach.

-The Universe



P.S. Actually, The BreakUp Coach, I'm sure it would have come true eventually, but better is better, and who should have to wait?


This is a great reminder that when we attach and hold on so hard to something that we want, something that we believe is the only thing that will make us happy, and even keep holding onto it when it no longer serves us, we may actually be missing something even better that the Universe has in store for us.  That's why, when I think about something that I want, I always try to practice saying, "This, or something better".  It's my way of reminding myself that life may offer me something even better than what I can imagine right now, if I'm willing to stay open to the possibilities.  That doesn't mean that I won't commit to what's important to me, or that I jump ship every time a situation becomes challenging, but I do allow myself to have faith that there is no one thing (or one person) in this world that will make me happy. Are you willing to allow for the possibility that the future holds something "even better" for you?

Dear Breakup Coach: What does it mean when he drunk dials?

Dear BreakUp Coach,

My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago when he decided that he "needed space" after being together for 3 years. He's called a few different times, usually every couple of weeks, just to say hi and see what I was up to. Every time he calls I'm so happy to hear from him and talk to him, but when we hang up I feel sad and empty, especially since he never mentions anything about getting back together. Then the night before last he called at one in the morning, sounding like he might have been crying, and definitely like he had been drinking. He told me that he missed me and that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. Now I feel all turned around. Is it possible that the alcohol gave him the courage to say what he's been wanting to all along, that he really wants to get back together? What can I do to help him tell me how he's really feeling?

Signed,

Drunk-Dial Desiree

Dear Desiree,

I'm sorry that this experience has you feeling all turned around. Let me see if I can set you on a straighter path. Your EX-boyfriend (NOT your boyfriend--he lost that title when he broke up with you) decided that he didn't want to be with you anymore and that he was willing to potentially lose you forever in order to give himself space. Since then he has been calling you periodically, most likely when he's feeling bored or lonely, maybe to see if you're still available, and probably in order to get a "fix" for his ego and feel better about himself. Maybe he's just a tragically confused person who isn't aware of himself or his feelings.  In a moment of weakness (aka drunkenness) he feels scared and insecure and worries that "maybe he made a mistake", so he calls to tell you that. Let's say it's true--do you really want to be with a guy who needs to be drunk to admit how he really feels about the woman whom he was with for THREE YEARS? Ms. Des, when your ex is able to work up the nerve to call you completely sober and during normal waking hours to tell you (not hint, tell) that he made a mistake breaking up with a woman as wonderful as you are and wants you back, then you may consider entertaining that possibility. Until then, everything he does is just noise, and you need to treat it as such by ignoring it. And no matter what happens, you need to keep moving forward with your life by taking a new class or starting a new sport, starting or changing your exercise routine, and, most importantly, dating other men if you aren't already!

Here's to moving forward,

The Breakup Coach

Dear BreakUp Coach: Why Give Up My Social Life Because of My Ex?

Dear BreakUp Coach,

I'm trying to figure out whether I should go to a party at my ex-boyfriend's fraternity this weekend. We broke up two weeks ago and I have been pretty devastated by it, especially since it came as a big suprise to me because we were pretty serious and I thought things were going really well. Since we broke up he won't really talk to me and didn't call me back when I tried to call him and sent him a text message. The thing is, this is a really big party and my friends will be going, and I will feel like I am giving up and kind of like a loser if I don't go. I really want to prove that I'm okay and that I can move on without him. It will probably feel really weird to see him, but why should I not go, just because he decided to break up with me? That doesn't seem fair, don't you think? Why should I give up my whole social life because of him?

Signed,

Confused Co-Ed



Dear Confused,

I absolutely agree that there is no reason to give up your whole social life because of a break-up. Yet this is ONE party we're talking about. You mention that you've taken the break-up rather hard and that it's only been two weeks. While I strongly believe that you will recover from this and move on with your life soon, it's still pretty early days. If you were in a class or an organization together and likely to run into him I wouldn't encourage you to skip out on your own interests and commitments to avoid seeing him, but why not give yourself a little more time to recover and get your strength back before going to a party at his fraternity at which he will be on his "turf" and surrounded by his friends, and where you're probably not going to enjoy yourself? What if you didn't have to "prove" anything to him or anyone else, but actually gave yourself a chance to process your feelings so you could really move on rather than just pretend that you're okay? Are ALL of your friends going to that one party, or can you make your own alternative plans for this weekend? After you've given yourself some more time to get over it, then you might decide to go to hang out at his fraternity because you actually think you'll have a good time, rather than because you feel like you have to prove something.


Fearlessly,

The BreakUp Coach

What is Fear Telling You?

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When we're going through a challenging experience like a breakup or divorce, a big part of how we experience it has to do with what we're telling ourselves about the situation. Most of the time our lives are like a sporting event on television; we have our own little announcers in our heads giving us a running commentary on what's happening at any given time and what it all means. Often these internal voices are so much a part of our experience that we respond and react to them without even being fully aware of what they're saying. And often what they have to say is something disempowering, discouraging,or distressing, because they are coming from a place of fear. And fear's absolute, number one, favorite thing to tell us, in one way or another, is this:

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Why does fear tell us this? Because it's actually trying to keep us safe and prevent us from getting hurt. And unfortunately the only way it knows how to do that is to make us feel small and incapable. Fear figures that if it scares us into believing that we're not smart, attractive, or whatever-enough then we won't take risks that might end up hurting us. The best way it knows how to do this is by reminding us and telling stories about how we got hurt in the past, and why that means we shouldn't ever try anything like that again because we won't be able to handle it. Unfortunately, fear is so concerned for our safety that it fails to realize all of our strengths and accomplishments. It also ignores the fact that we truly want more passion, joy, and intimacy in our lives in order to be our true selves, and we can only have those things when we're willing to risk getting hurt.

Happily, we all have another internal voice that wants to be heard: the voice of freedom. Sometimes it isn't as loud as the voice of fear, so we need to practice listening to it. Because fear will lie to us, while freedom tells us the truth. Fear will twists facts based in reality to try to convince us that we're not good enough, while freedom knows that there is beauty in being imperfect and making mistakes because that's what makes us human.

Now, the particular words that our own personal fear-based internal announcer voice uses may be different on the surface, but they can all be traced back to that one message of not being good enough. So, what kind of things is fear telling you about a breakup? Here are a few common things we allow fear to tell us:

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" When you ask yourself this you're starting with two assumptions: that there is something wrong with you, and that this is the reason that the relationship ended. In other words, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. According to fear, relationships operate on some kind of merit system in which people who don't measure up get tossed aside. So what do you do when you tell yourself this? You beat yourself up, and you say and do things that are different from who you really are so that others will approve of you, robbing yourself (and them) of the opportunity for true intimacy.

Another twist on the same concept is, "WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE FOR LEAVING ME? I'M BETTER THAN THEY ARE". On the surface you sound confident, like you believe in yourself. And yet you're still listening to fear telling you that relationships are some kind of contest, and you've just been unfairly disqualified by judges who don't know what they're talking about. You'll start by building up evidence for why you're actually better than they are. But underneath will be the nagging question, "If you're really better than them, how come they broke up with you? You lost the contest, so somehow, even if you can't see it, probably it's because YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

The voice of freedom, on the other hand, knows that relationships aren't a contest. It will remind you that in reality the most physically beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, kind, and successful people experience heartbreak too. Freedom is confident in the knowledge that somewhere at this very moment a stunningly attractive multimillionaire with an advanced degree and a humanitarian award on their wall is going through the pain of a breakup. Why? Because they simply were in a relationship that wasn't right for them. Freedom will tell you, "I may not be perfect, since I'm human, and there may be things in myself that I want to work on in the future, yet when I am in a relationship that is truly right for me my partner will appreciate me for who I am."

*******

"I JUST LOST THE BEST THING I EVER HAD". I hear this one quite a bit. What I've come to realize is that when we say this to ourselves and others, what we're often really saying is, "I JUST LOST THE BEST THING I'M EVER GOING TO HAVE", i.e., "I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND ANYTHING BETTER". Why? Because according to fear, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You've blown it. Love is a lottery, you had a winning ticket, and you lost it. So what do you do? You give up, convinced that you have lost your one and only chance at happiness.
Freedom, on the other hand, will tell you, "Maybe that relationship WAS the best I ever had. That means that the quality of my relationships has been improving. If this relationship was really great, and since I was responsible for half of it, that actually means I have a better chance of building a relationship that's just as good or better in the future".

********

"I DON'T CARE". This is a tricky one. On the surface it can seem strong and empowering. And yet what you're telling yourself (and other people) is that you don't believe it's okay for you to have feelings about the breakup, either because you somehow don't deserve to have the feelings or you're afraid that you can't handle them, or both. Or that other people will think that you're pathetic. In other words, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. So what do you do? You keep talking to your ex; you smile when mutual friends start talking about the new person your ex is dating; you start dating someone else before you have a chance to mourn and truly get over the relationship that has ended. You make yourself more and more unhappy, all because you keep telling yourself that "you don't care".

What freedom would have to say is, "I actually do care about this, and that's normal and okay. I'm a human being with feelings and relationships mean something to me. I'm allowed to go through this without pretending that everything's fine right now. I can handle painful feelings and come through them okay. And I can ask for support if I need it."

**********

So my question to you is, what is fear telling you about a breakup, or any other challenging situation in your life? In what ways is fear twisting the facts of a situation to try to convince you that you're not good enough? What would freedom have to say about it?

FEARLESSLY,

The BreakUp Coach

© 2007 Sasha Carr Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
Content may not be reproduced without permission from the author.

Breakup Commandment: No Contact for 60 Days

I'm going to share with you one of the cornerstones of breakup recovery: do not have ANY contact with your ex for 60 days.

This holds true whether you just broke up yesterday, or if it happened months (even years) ago and you are still caught up in it. Take 60 days without seeing them, talking to them on the phone, texting, emailing, looking at their online profiles, sending smoke signals or, yes, even listening to those old voicemail messages you have saved in your cellphone (you thought I didn't know about them, didn't you? ;-).

And of course, you won't be taking their calls, texts, emails, etc. either.

Why no contact? Because after a break-up you're confused. Lots of feelings tend to swirl around, including regret, self-doubt, anger...the kind of feelings that tend to cloud our judgement. If emotional turmoil can be described as muddy waters, the aftermath of a break-up is a veritable Mississipi River Delta after a big storm. And for many of us those troubled waters were already swirling for a while before the actual break-up happened. Time with no contact whatsoever provides the clarity you need in order to remember exactly who you are and find your emotional center.

Why 60 days? There's something about this timeframe that really helps to activate the psychological reset button. I've seen it in practice in clients, friends, and yours truly and it really works. I used to recommend 30 days, but it's really not enough--double that is just right.

Will it be easy to do? Maybe, but probably not. At least in the short term. For some people after the first week or so they find themselves thinking about their ex/relationship a lot less. Some don't even realize when they hit the 60-day mark because they've stopped keeping track at that point. In general it tends to get easier with time, so don't be discouraged if it seems overhwelming at the beginning.

If you end up texting your ex on Day 15, or taking a call from them, it's okay. Just dust yourself off and start fresh -- it's a new Day 1 for you, my friend.

So if you feel challenged in getting over a break-up, I invite to to try this. Feel free to check in with me and let me know how you're doing.

Sincerely, The BreakUp Coach

P.S. Okay, I can hear the questions coming up in your mind already, so here's a few answers off the bat.

Question: But I really just want to be friends! Why do I need to break contact for 60 days and risk damaging our friendship? Won't they be mad at me?

If you're honestly interested in a friendship with your ex then some time apart will actually improve your chances at a having just that, once the emotional fires have cooled a bit. And anyone who is truly interested in being your friend will understand your need to have some time to clear your head and wouldn't blame you for it.

Question: I think my ex may be the love of my life and I have a feeling we will end up together, but what if lose that chance by doing the no-contact thing?

Let's just imagine that you're right. My response is similar to the question above. If you really are meant to be together then some time apart shouldn't really change that. And no matter what you're thinking will happen eventually, clearly things haven't been going well lately or you wouldn't have broken up. Taking 60 days will allow you both to get clear about how you really feel and what you really want, and if you both decide to get back together it will be because you want to, and not because you were scared/confused/etc.

(Note: The more you find yourself objecting to the 60-day idea really strongly and finding reasons why you why shouldn't do it, the more you probably really need to do it. Behind all of those reasons is a fear of loss and letting go. Yeah, I know, likely not what you wanted to hear.)

Question: How will my ex know not to contact me? Isn't it mean to just stop responding to them? And it will be so much harder to stick to my plan if they keep trying and I have to ignore them.

For the sake of clarity, if you wish, you can send them one email in response to their first attempt to contact you (no callbacks or online chats).

Dear (Ex):

I need some time without any contact at all to get clarity, so I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me for a couple of months. Thank you for understanding.

(Your name here)

Question: Can't I just get over it without trying this?

Yes, it may technically be possible to move on with a break-up without taking this step, but it will be more messy, drawn-out, and painful than it needs to be.

Question: What happens after 60 days?

That is really up to you. Now that you have completed your full 60 days you can contact your ex, or decide to respond if they contact you, but you may find that you don't really want to at that point. The cool thing is that you will be able to make that choice with a much clearer, more settled mind.

There are lots more questions that I've heard before and probably some out there I've yet to hear, so fire 'em away if you've got 'em.

In a future blog I will be sharing ideas about how to occupy yourself while you're taking some clarity time and not contacting your ex.

Be Fearless,
The BreakUp Coach