Having Needs Doesn't Make You "Needy"

Have you ever been told by a partner or other person in your life that you were "too needy", or ended up saying it to someone else? The term sure seems to get thrown around a lot, and it's definitely something most of us try very hard to avoid being called, to the point where we may feel afraid to express any desire or need to a partner.

But a lot of the time, when Jeff calls his partner Sandy needy, what Jeff is really trying to say is that he is unable or unwilling to meet a need that Sandy has expressed. The implication is often that Sandy is unreasonable or somehow messed-up for having that need. When it's set up this way it can feel to Sandy like she has two choices: to keep trying to get Jeff to give her what she's asking for (which doesn't seem to be going that well so far), or try to deny that she needs it or has a right to it (which leaves her disempowered and diminished). Jeff is stuck too, since he's being asked to do something he can't do and doesn't want to feel like he's wrong or a bad person because of it. So to keep from being wrong, he has to make Sandy "needy".

When we separate having needs from being needy we loosen the trap that automatically makes someone have to be wrong. Sandy can have a legitimate need which she has a right to get met. But meeting that need is her responsibility, not Jeff's. Maybe Sandy has a need to be reassured that she is beautiful and desirable. To be clear, she's not looking to Jeff and only Jeff to make her feel beautiful and desirable. That actually would be needy.

Instead, Sandy does things for herself that help her feel confident in this area. Yet it's also important that she gets some active expression from her partner in order to feel open and available to him. She can try to get her need met by asking Jeff to tell her that she is beautiful and desirable on a regular basis. Maybe Jeff can and is willing to do this; maybe he isn't. Sandy isn't "needy" for asking, though. If Jeff doesn't give her what she asks for, she can clarify this need for herself. Is hearing her partner say the words the only way she can get her need met, or is there another way that Jeff can express his desire and appreciation that would do the job? If it's the latter, they can see about working it out. If it's the former, she needs to be willing to let Jeff go.

When we keep trying to get something we need from someone who can't or won't give it to us, it's not about love anymore. It's devolved into a power struggle. When we pretend that we DON'T need something that we really DO just to keep someone around, we're sacrificing our personal integrity and also that of the relationship. It's really manipulation at that point, and it's just about guaranteed to breed resentment.

The "needy" label really applies only when we either make our partner responsible for meeting all of our needs, or when we persist in trying to get our needs met in a particular way from a particular person when they've made it clear that they're not up to the task.

It's more than okay to clarify and ask for what we need, as long as we're willing to walk away if the other person can't give it to us.

Special thanks to Rhonda Britten, whose teachings helped clarify the distinction between being needy and having needs.



Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Scents, Memory and Moving On (or "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair")

Of our five senses, smell is the one most tied to memory. A particular smell can bring us back to other times, places, and people in our lives in an instant.

There's a scientific basis for this, since apparently the areas of the brain that deal with smell, memory and emotion are all closely connected. Some of the top researchers who study this stuff are faculty at The Breakup Coach's very own alma mater, Brown University--including Dr. Rachel Herz, who wrote a very interesting and readable book on the topic called The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell.

Anyway, it's no wonder that the smells that we associate with a recent ex, or the relationship, can stir such strong feelings in us.

In any case, if you are dealing with a breakup it makes sense to "follow your nose" as you work through your stuff about the relationship and start moving forward with your life. Here are a couple of thoughts, depending on your situation.

Aromatherapy Boot Camp

If you're feeling stuck on your ex and having trouble moving on from the relationship, change some of the scents that are part of your daily life. Because we use these products daily, they form a kind of olfactory backdrop for our lives that our brains register unconsciously. Making the switch will help train your brain to start focusing on the fresh, new future ahead of you.

I suggest you change at least 3 of the following scented items: shampoo; soap/shower gel; deodorant; body lotion; laundry detergent (this is a really good one as it affects the smell of your sheets as well as your clothes). If you're strapped for cash try doing a swap with a friend (maybe not the deodorant, but the other stuff would be okay). If cash isn't an issue but you hate wasting, try giving your old stuff away to a shelter where they are always in need of personal care products.

Also since a lot of what we associate with taste is really smell you might also try switching your morning cereal or your regular coffee drink.

Full Immersion Sob Session

OK, this one is only for those of us who are having trouble getting in touch with our feelings. You know, that friend who insists she's ready to move on and start dating just a couple of hours after getting left at the alter, after her fiance ran off with her sister (or her brother!)?

For this one you're intentionally bringing yourself into the memories by exposing yourself to smells associated with the relationship. Get hold of some of your ex's brand of shampoo, cologne, detergent, etc. Sniff some of the same wine you shared on that special anniversary night. Pop a slice of their favorite bread in the toaster. One friend actually slept for several nights on the pillowcase which her ex had recently vacated--if you have access to anything like this and you've been holding back from feeling anything, give it a go, but for ONE night. Then have yourself a good, long cry.

Remember, this is only for those of us who haven't given ourselves a chance to feel the loss of the relationship--the majority of us have already cried enough tears and need to start exposing ourselves to new scents.

So grab that new bottle of shampoo, crank up the soundtrack to South Pacific, and lather away!

Copyright Sasha Carr 2009

Frogs and Princes

Just about all of us are going to encounter many "Frogs" in this life. Encountering them and letting them fall away in order to make room for the "Prince" who will eventually appear is part of normal life.

I say this not from a place of cynicism, but with absolute faith in this process as an integral part of your journey in finding true love and ultimate happiness.

The lessons you learn in dealing with and totally letting go of your "Frogs" will help you recognize, appreciate, and open your heart to your own "Prince" when he appears.

So appreciate the "Frogs" for the lesson they are here to teach you. Thank them and let them move on. And know that you and your "Prince" will meet when you are ready.

Go get 'em, Princess!

The Breakup Coach

A Love Note from the Universe

One of my favorite websites is tut.com , where you can sign up to receive free inspirational "Notes From the Universe" emails.

Here is one that landed in my inbox:

You know, The BreakUp Coach, I once had a dream that didn't come true. I know how that is. Ouch!! Painful!! Humiliating!!
Until I realized, it wasn't too late to dream something better.
It's never too late, The BreakUp Coach.

-The Universe



P.S. Actually, The BreakUp Coach, I'm sure it would have come true eventually, but better is better, and who should have to wait?


This is a great reminder that when we attach and hold on so hard to something that we want, something that we believe is the only thing that will make us happy, and even keep holding onto it when it no longer serves us, we may actually be missing something even better that the Universe has in store for us.  That's why, when I think about something that I want, I always try to practice saying, "This, or something better".  It's my way of reminding myself that life may offer me something even better than what I can imagine right now, if I'm willing to stay open to the possibilities.  That doesn't mean that I won't commit to what's important to me, or that I jump ship every time a situation becomes challenging, but I do allow myself to have faith that there is no one thing (or one person) in this world that will make me happy. Are you willing to allow for the possibility that the future holds something "even better" for you?

Dear Breakup Coach: What does it mean when he drunk dials?

Dear BreakUp Coach,

My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago when he decided that he "needed space" after being together for 3 years. He's called a few different times, usually every couple of weeks, just to say hi and see what I was up to. Every time he calls I'm so happy to hear from him and talk to him, but when we hang up I feel sad and empty, especially since he never mentions anything about getting back together. Then the night before last he called at one in the morning, sounding like he might have been crying, and definitely like he had been drinking. He told me that he missed me and that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. Now I feel all turned around. Is it possible that the alcohol gave him the courage to say what he's been wanting to all along, that he really wants to get back together? What can I do to help him tell me how he's really feeling?

Signed,

Drunk-Dial Desiree

Dear Desiree,

I'm sorry that this experience has you feeling all turned around. Let me see if I can set you on a straighter path. Your EX-boyfriend (NOT your boyfriend--he lost that title when he broke up with you) decided that he didn't want to be with you anymore and that he was willing to potentially lose you forever in order to give himself space. Since then he has been calling you periodically, most likely when he's feeling bored or lonely, maybe to see if you're still available, and probably in order to get a "fix" for his ego and feel better about himself. Maybe he's just a tragically confused person who isn't aware of himself or his feelings.  In a moment of weakness (aka drunkenness) he feels scared and insecure and worries that "maybe he made a mistake", so he calls to tell you that. Let's say it's true--do you really want to be with a guy who needs to be drunk to admit how he really feels about the woman whom he was with for THREE YEARS? Ms. Des, when your ex is able to work up the nerve to call you completely sober and during normal waking hours to tell you (not hint, tell) that he made a mistake breaking up with a woman as wonderful as you are and wants you back, then you may consider entertaining that possibility. Until then, everything he does is just noise, and you need to treat it as such by ignoring it. And no matter what happens, you need to keep moving forward with your life by taking a new class or starting a new sport, starting or changing your exercise routine, and, most importantly, dating other men if you aren't already!

Here's to moving forward,

The Breakup Coach

Dear BreakUp Coach: Why Give Up My Social Life Because of My Ex?

Dear BreakUp Coach,

I'm trying to figure out whether I should go to a party at my ex-boyfriend's fraternity this weekend. We broke up two weeks ago and I have been pretty devastated by it, especially since it came as a big suprise to me because we were pretty serious and I thought things were going really well. Since we broke up he won't really talk to me and didn't call me back when I tried to call him and sent him a text message. The thing is, this is a really big party and my friends will be going, and I will feel like I am giving up and kind of like a loser if I don't go. I really want to prove that I'm okay and that I can move on without him. It will probably feel really weird to see him, but why should I not go, just because he decided to break up with me? That doesn't seem fair, don't you think? Why should I give up my whole social life because of him?

Signed,

Confused Co-Ed



Dear Confused,

I absolutely agree that there is no reason to give up your whole social life because of a break-up. Yet this is ONE party we're talking about. You mention that you've taken the break-up rather hard and that it's only been two weeks. While I strongly believe that you will recover from this and move on with your life soon, it's still pretty early days. If you were in a class or an organization together and likely to run into him I wouldn't encourage you to skip out on your own interests and commitments to avoid seeing him, but why not give yourself a little more time to recover and get your strength back before going to a party at his fraternity at which he will be on his "turf" and surrounded by his friends, and where you're probably not going to enjoy yourself? What if you didn't have to "prove" anything to him or anyone else, but actually gave yourself a chance to process your feelings so you could really move on rather than just pretend that you're okay? Are ALL of your friends going to that one party, or can you make your own alternative plans for this weekend? After you've given yourself some more time to get over it, then you might decide to go to hang out at his fraternity because you actually think you'll have a good time, rather than because you feel like you have to prove something.


Fearlessly,

The BreakUp Coach

Do Guys Have a Harder Time Dealing with Breakups?

Since I have started offering myself as a resource on break-ups, I have noticed one trend which kind of surprised me.I have been hearing from more men than women! I never would have guessed that this would happen, since most books and other resources about coping with a break-up are geared toward women. Isn't it women who talk more about relationships? Aren't we the ones who are more oriented toward all of that kind of stuff? I mean, romantic movies are called "chick flicks" for a reason, right?


So why are more guys reaching out about breakups than gals? Aside from a few who seem to have been smitten and are hopeful that I will help them heal their hearts in ways more personal than professional (sorry fellas, I don't provide that kind of service!), the majority are quite sincerely looking for guidance in recovering from what for them has clearly been a difficult, painful experience.



Here are a couple of my thoughts about why this might be the case:


#1: Guys May Feel Hurts Harder

One of the biggest complaints that women have about men in relationships is that they don't want to talk about emotional topics, which leads some women to accuse the men in their lives of being insensitive. However, the opposite may be true. John Gottman, who is probably the leading marriage, divorce and relationship expert in the world, found a fascinating difference between the men and women in the couples he studied:

Gottman found that the women he studied were emotionally and physiologically more able to soothe themselves and calm down after feeling stressed. In contrast, he found that a man's adrenaline kicks in quite readily and does not calm down so easily.

Gottman also found that the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress. For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated for longer. The same goes for their blood pressure — his will become more elevated and stay higher longer.

When male subjects are deliberately treated rudely and then told to relax for twenty minutes, their blood pressure surges and stays elevated until they get to retaliate.When women are faced the same treatment, they are able to calm down an lower their BP during those twenty minutes.

In other words, there is physiological evidence that men are more easily overwhelmed by relationship conflict than are their female partners. The term for this emotional and physical overwhelm is "flooding".

While these rules don't necessarily apply to every individual male and female, Gottman has found that the majority of couples do follow these gender differences in physiological and psychological reactions to stress. (He and his colleagues also found similar gender-based differences among same-sex couples as well, so that interactions within female same-sex couples are more emotionally expressive than in male same-sex couples).

In any case, it follows that if men have more trouble dealing with emotions in general, they may have a harder (and longer) recovery from the hurt of a breakup once they allow themselves to feel that hurt. It also explain why many men will try so hard to avoid feeling anything after a breakup, since letting themselves feel those feelings is actually riskier for them than it is for women.


#2: Guys have less built-in support


Again, there is no hard and fast rule here and some individual men and women may not fall along these lines, but in general women have a lot more resources for social support after a break-up. They usually can talk about how they're feeling about it with family and friends without feeling embarrassed. And the people in their lives will usually expect them to talk about it and will even ask them about it.


In contrast, the average guy will avoid talking about the breakup because a) he doesn't want to get flooded by emotion from talking about it; b) he is embarrassed to admit that he cares because it is less socially acceptable for him to do so; c) most of his guy friends aren't good at talking about emotional stuff either, so they will avoid it and he will avoid making them uncomfortable.


In fact, for most straight guys their most important source for talking about emotions is their female partner, and a break-up often leaves them without any outlet just at a time when it might be helpful to talk. Because even if talking is risky for guys, most of them learn that under the right circumstances it can be extremely supportive and helpful.

Like when they decide to reach out to me, or someone like me. So hang in there guys, I know break-ups are hard for you too (maybe even harder).

The good news is that it is also just as possible for you to learn and grow from the experience, and be wiser and happier in the times ahead.

Dear BreakUp Coach: Can one bad breakup ruin a person for life?

After a period of intense work activity followed by a vacation, and in response to reader demand, I am resuming the Dear BU Coach feature of this blog. So feel free to start sending me letters again. Here is one I received recently. The emphases in the text are mine, added to highlight some aspects of the letter upon which I will comment in my response.

Dear Breakup Coach,

Where to start? I don't know. I think I should tell you that I am seriously messed up. First of all, I haven't even broken up with anyone recently. It has been years actually. But I find myself going around in circles and coming back to this one point in my life.

I have always had lying girlfriends, or women that have cheated on me. I thought I had a great relationship with my ex-fiancée. We had been together for years. She was the girl that swore she would not do any of the stupid s--t that other girls had done in the past. She spent time figuring me out, and undoing all the wrong all the other women had done and gaining my full trust.

It's hard to pinpoint all the good moments because there were so many. She was my everything. But one night changed everything. She sat me down and explained to me that she had been cheating on me, that everything was a lie and she did not think that we would go this far. She had been doing this for quite some time now and she finally had to put a stop to it by letting me know.

She said she was sorry for everything she had done and returned my ring. I guess she moved on with her life, I am not really sure because I don't speak with her anymore. But before doing that she left me broken and pretty f----d up. She had done it all, from cheating, to amateur porn, to lying about her mother being dead. Turns out, after all these years that her mom was alive and well. I just never got to meet her because I was lied to. This is just one example of her pathological lies that I was brainwashed with. Just about everything was a lie, and she finally couldn't do it anymore.

So that's that. I didn't date anyone for a year. After that I tried a little but there were no connections. It seems that I have become incapable of establishing connections. And when I think I do, usually it's just temporary. I don't feel anything towards anyone anymore. It's as if I sit there and wait for the betrayal to come, or for the girl to screw something up so that I can get rid of her. I don't know if I am capable of dealing with people anymore. How can I? After the one woman that swore she would never do any of the other wrong things every other woman did turns out to be the one that did it all?

I guess this really isn't a question about how to cope but more of a question that goes "can a break-up be so bad that it leaves a person broken for the rest of their life?"

Signed,

Bitter (and Possibly) Broken Boy

Dear BBB,

To mirror your own phrasing, where to start? Okay, I will start by answering your closing question. I don't think your past has to define your future, and I don't believe that you are damaged beyond repair where love is concerned. I believe that there is part of you yearning, hoping, and possibly even ready for love right now. However, it sounds like you need to work on some stuff before that can come to pass.

One one hand, you seem to present your ex-fiancée's betrayal as a single experience that has left you wounded and mistrustful of other relationships. How painful it must have been for the one thing you were really trying to avoid, that you thought you had taken such pains to prevent, ended up happening after all.

However, I can't help noticing your comments about your relationships beforehand, in that you "have always had" lying, cheating girlfriends. Have you ever wondered why that was the case? I don't know this for certain, but I have found that often when we reccurently end up with partners that have the same negative qualities or behaviors, it's because there is something in us that is actually pulling for that. Conciously or unconciously, we repeat the same patterns by choosing the same type of partner, or (more far-out but I still believe to be true) unintentionally encouraging or setting the stage for our partners to behave in the same way. I have also noticed that some of the things which we fear the most, and try the hardest to avoid either by running away or trying to control situations that we're in, have a way of turning up again and again in our lives.

From your letter it sounds like you already had a pattern going before you met your ex. You were already telling yourself a story about your life: that you were someone whom women lied to and cheated on, and who therefore couldn't trust women or his own judgement about women. You shared this story with your ex and then placed the expectation on her to gain your trust and "undo all the wrong every other woman had done". You were looking to her to fix you, and yet you set the stage for the exact same betrayal to happen as had happened in the past--the very thing that you most feared (and yet expected) from a woman.

In truth, the only person who can fix you is you. The only person who can make you feel whole and retore your trust and faith where love is concerned is looking right back at you in the mirror. One of my mentors taught me (and my own experience as a therapist and coach has borne this out) that people who have trouble trusting others are actually challenged in their ability to trust themselves--to know and appreciate their own worth, and to value their own intuition and judgement. When you truly trust yourself, you will attract people and build relationships in which real trust is integral.

As broken and "f----d up" as you may have felt when your ex chose to tell you the truth about herself and return your ring, I am glad that this pathological person is out of your life. You could have married her and found out even later. I am also encouraged by your level of self-awareness in identifying that you are thinking and doing things now, like sitting and "waiting for the betrayal to happen", that are perpetuating your old pattern. Now you get to change the story.

Building trust in yourself is the type of self-work which will serve you most now. Specifically, I invite you to read How to Change Your Life in 30 Days by Rhonda Britten (the title isn't my favorite--it contrasts with the depth and beauty of the content). The whole book is great, but for you I particularly recommend Day 15 (Trusting Heart) and Day 19 (Forgiveness). But honestly there is a lot in the other chapters that you will likely find helpful.
Again, please know that you are NOT broken. But your beliefs about women, and more importantly yourself, are keeping you stuck.

Be FEARLESS,

The BreakUp Coach

What is Fear Telling You?

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When we're going through a challenging experience like a breakup or divorce, a big part of how we experience it has to do with what we're telling ourselves about the situation. Most of the time our lives are like a sporting event on television; we have our own little announcers in our heads giving us a running commentary on what's happening at any given time and what it all means. Often these internal voices are so much a part of our experience that we respond and react to them without even being fully aware of what they're saying. And often what they have to say is something disempowering, discouraging,or distressing, because they are coming from a place of fear. And fear's absolute, number one, favorite thing to tell us, in one way or another, is this:

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Why does fear tell us this? Because it's actually trying to keep us safe and prevent us from getting hurt. And unfortunately the only way it knows how to do that is to make us feel small and incapable. Fear figures that if it scares us into believing that we're not smart, attractive, or whatever-enough then we won't take risks that might end up hurting us. The best way it knows how to do this is by reminding us and telling stories about how we got hurt in the past, and why that means we shouldn't ever try anything like that again because we won't be able to handle it. Unfortunately, fear is so concerned for our safety that it fails to realize all of our strengths and accomplishments. It also ignores the fact that we truly want more passion, joy, and intimacy in our lives in order to be our true selves, and we can only have those things when we're willing to risk getting hurt.

Happily, we all have another internal voice that wants to be heard: the voice of freedom. Sometimes it isn't as loud as the voice of fear, so we need to practice listening to it. Because fear will lie to us, while freedom tells us the truth. Fear will twists facts based in reality to try to convince us that we're not good enough, while freedom knows that there is beauty in being imperfect and making mistakes because that's what makes us human.

Now, the particular words that our own personal fear-based internal announcer voice uses may be different on the surface, but they can all be traced back to that one message of not being good enough. So, what kind of things is fear telling you about a breakup? Here are a few common things we allow fear to tell us:

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" When you ask yourself this you're starting with two assumptions: that there is something wrong with you, and that this is the reason that the relationship ended. In other words, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. According to fear, relationships operate on some kind of merit system in which people who don't measure up get tossed aside. So what do you do when you tell yourself this? You beat yourself up, and you say and do things that are different from who you really are so that others will approve of you, robbing yourself (and them) of the opportunity for true intimacy.

Another twist on the same concept is, "WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE FOR LEAVING ME? I'M BETTER THAN THEY ARE". On the surface you sound confident, like you believe in yourself. And yet you're still listening to fear telling you that relationships are some kind of contest, and you've just been unfairly disqualified by judges who don't know what they're talking about. You'll start by building up evidence for why you're actually better than they are. But underneath will be the nagging question, "If you're really better than them, how come they broke up with you? You lost the contest, so somehow, even if you can't see it, probably it's because YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

The voice of freedom, on the other hand, knows that relationships aren't a contest. It will remind you that in reality the most physically beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, kind, and successful people experience heartbreak too. Freedom is confident in the knowledge that somewhere at this very moment a stunningly attractive multimillionaire with an advanced degree and a humanitarian award on their wall is going through the pain of a breakup. Why? Because they simply were in a relationship that wasn't right for them. Freedom will tell you, "I may not be perfect, since I'm human, and there may be things in myself that I want to work on in the future, yet when I am in a relationship that is truly right for me my partner will appreciate me for who I am."

*******

"I JUST LOST THE BEST THING I EVER HAD". I hear this one quite a bit. What I've come to realize is that when we say this to ourselves and others, what we're often really saying is, "I JUST LOST THE BEST THING I'M EVER GOING TO HAVE", i.e., "I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND ANYTHING BETTER". Why? Because according to fear, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You've blown it. Love is a lottery, you had a winning ticket, and you lost it. So what do you do? You give up, convinced that you have lost your one and only chance at happiness.
Freedom, on the other hand, will tell you, "Maybe that relationship WAS the best I ever had. That means that the quality of my relationships has been improving. If this relationship was really great, and since I was responsible for half of it, that actually means I have a better chance of building a relationship that's just as good or better in the future".

********

"I DON'T CARE". This is a tricky one. On the surface it can seem strong and empowering. And yet what you're telling yourself (and other people) is that you don't believe it's okay for you to have feelings about the breakup, either because you somehow don't deserve to have the feelings or you're afraid that you can't handle them, or both. Or that other people will think that you're pathetic. In other words, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. So what do you do? You keep talking to your ex; you smile when mutual friends start talking about the new person your ex is dating; you start dating someone else before you have a chance to mourn and truly get over the relationship that has ended. You make yourself more and more unhappy, all because you keep telling yourself that "you don't care".

What freedom would have to say is, "I actually do care about this, and that's normal and okay. I'm a human being with feelings and relationships mean something to me. I'm allowed to go through this without pretending that everything's fine right now. I can handle painful feelings and come through them okay. And I can ask for support if I need it."

**********

So my question to you is, what is fear telling you about a breakup, or any other challenging situation in your life? In what ways is fear twisting the facts of a situation to try to convince you that you're not good enough? What would freedom have to say about it?

FEARLESSLY,

The BreakUp Coach

© 2007 Sasha Carr Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
Content may not be reproduced without permission from the author.

Breakup Commandment: No Contact for 60 Days

I'm going to share with you one of the cornerstones of breakup recovery: do not have ANY contact with your ex for 60 days.

This holds true whether you just broke up yesterday, or if it happened months (even years) ago and you are still caught up in it. Take 60 days without seeing them, talking to them on the phone, texting, emailing, looking at their online profiles, sending smoke signals or, yes, even listening to those old voicemail messages you have saved in your cellphone (you thought I didn't know about them, didn't you? ;-).

And of course, you won't be taking their calls, texts, emails, etc. either.

Why no contact? Because after a break-up you're confused. Lots of feelings tend to swirl around, including regret, self-doubt, anger...the kind of feelings that tend to cloud our judgement. If emotional turmoil can be described as muddy waters, the aftermath of a break-up is a veritable Mississipi River Delta after a big storm. And for many of us those troubled waters were already swirling for a while before the actual break-up happened. Time with no contact whatsoever provides the clarity you need in order to remember exactly who you are and find your emotional center.

Why 60 days? There's something about this timeframe that really helps to activate the psychological reset button. I've seen it in practice in clients, friends, and yours truly and it really works. I used to recommend 30 days, but it's really not enough--double that is just right.

Will it be easy to do? Maybe, but probably not. At least in the short term. For some people after the first week or so they find themselves thinking about their ex/relationship a lot less. Some don't even realize when they hit the 60-day mark because they've stopped keeping track at that point. In general it tends to get easier with time, so don't be discouraged if it seems overhwelming at the beginning.

If you end up texting your ex on Day 15, or taking a call from them, it's okay. Just dust yourself off and start fresh -- it's a new Day 1 for you, my friend.

So if you feel challenged in getting over a break-up, I invite to to try this. Feel free to check in with me and let me know how you're doing.

Sincerely, The BreakUp Coach

P.S. Okay, I can hear the questions coming up in your mind already, so here's a few answers off the bat.

Question: But I really just want to be friends! Why do I need to break contact for 60 days and risk damaging our friendship? Won't they be mad at me?

If you're honestly interested in a friendship with your ex then some time apart will actually improve your chances at a having just that, once the emotional fires have cooled a bit. And anyone who is truly interested in being your friend will understand your need to have some time to clear your head and wouldn't blame you for it.

Question: I think my ex may be the love of my life and I have a feeling we will end up together, but what if lose that chance by doing the no-contact thing?

Let's just imagine that you're right. My response is similar to the question above. If you really are meant to be together then some time apart shouldn't really change that. And no matter what you're thinking will happen eventually, clearly things haven't been going well lately or you wouldn't have broken up. Taking 60 days will allow you both to get clear about how you really feel and what you really want, and if you both decide to get back together it will be because you want to, and not because you were scared/confused/etc.

(Note: The more you find yourself objecting to the 60-day idea really strongly and finding reasons why you why shouldn't do it, the more you probably really need to do it. Behind all of those reasons is a fear of loss and letting go. Yeah, I know, likely not what you wanted to hear.)

Question: How will my ex know not to contact me? Isn't it mean to just stop responding to them? And it will be so much harder to stick to my plan if they keep trying and I have to ignore them.

For the sake of clarity, if you wish, you can send them one email in response to their first attempt to contact you (no callbacks or online chats).

Dear (Ex):

I need some time without any contact at all to get clarity, so I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me for a couple of months. Thank you for understanding.

(Your name here)

Question: Can't I just get over it without trying this?

Yes, it may technically be possible to move on with a break-up without taking this step, but it will be more messy, drawn-out, and painful than it needs to be.

Question: What happens after 60 days?

That is really up to you. Now that you have completed your full 60 days you can contact your ex, or decide to respond if they contact you, but you may find that you don't really want to at that point. The cool thing is that you will be able to make that choice with a much clearer, more settled mind.

There are lots more questions that I've heard before and probably some out there I've yet to hear, so fire 'em away if you've got 'em.

In a future blog I will be sharing ideas about how to occupy yourself while you're taking some clarity time and not contacting your ex.

Be Fearless,
The BreakUp Coach

Rewriting the Past

Have you ever noticed that in the aftermath of a breakup we often focus on the good things about our ex or the relationship, and tend to gloss over the things that weren't working?
You keep thinking about how fresh her hair smelled, and forget about her habit of interrupting you in the middle of a sentence. You focus on how nice he was to your dog, and draw a blank on the fact that he forgot your birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine's day.
There's no absolute answer on why our memory suddenly becomes so selective right after a breakup, but one thought is that when a relationship ends, one of our biggest fears is that the investment of our time, energy, and hearts wasn't worth it since the end result wasn't what we had expected. One way of protecting ourselves from this fear is to emphasize the good parts of the relationship and ignore the less-good parts. This way we don't feel like we were wrong or stupid to be in it in the first place.
But if we're willing to accept that the relationship can have had value and good things about it, AND that it ultimately didn't work for us and wasn't meant to continue, we don't need to rewrite history and torture ourselves with the thought that we've lost this (supposedly) beautiful, perfect thing in our lives. We get to see the relationship for what it really was, appreciate what it gave us and taught us, and move forward in our lives to greater happiness.
~ Notes from BreakUp Land, by Sasha Carr, Ph.D.

When One Door Closes...

When you’re in the midst of dealing with a breakup, it often seems like you’ve lost your chance of being happy and having true love, when in fact the opposite is most likely true. Chances are that by ending this relationship you are actually moving one step closer to true, long-term happiness.

What do I mean by this? Well, when I interviewed people involved in happy, long-term marriages, I found that nearly every single one of them could recount a time when they were miserable and heartbroken over the ending of a previous relationship. But now that they were truly happy in their current marriages, they all expressed gratitude and relief that those previous relationship had ended, allowing them to eventually meet their true loves. If you’re currently dealing with the pain of a breakup and are worried that you’ve lost your chance at happiness, try doing your own survey of people you know who are in happy, long-term relationships. I’ll bet that most of them will be able to remember a time in the past when they felt just like you do now, and will tell you how grateful they now are that that old relationship had ended since otherwise they never would have found their partner!

So take heart in the knowledge that by moving through your current pain you are actually bringing yourself closer to finding a truly loving, fulfilling, and lasting partnership in the future. And I will leave you with one final thought: if we never had to go through breakups then most of us would still be with our boyfriend or girlfriend from junior high. (And if you're just now breaking up with your J.H.S. squeeze, you're just gonna have to trust me that better things are waiting ahead!)