The Care and Feeding of Your Support System: How to Avoid Collateral Friendship Damage During a Breakup

A common piece of advice on getting through a breakup is to "take advantage of your support system". Of course times like these are one of the reasons we call family and friends a support system in the first place, but how we act during the breakup can put a strain on relationships with the people who love us and care about us the most. Friends and family may get impatient and frustrated with us, while we end up feeling let-down and disappointed. Sometimes we start to wonder if they really care, but the problem may be how you're trying to get support rather than whether they're willing to help.

Before you stop talking to your sis or give your best friend the cold shoulder just when you could really use HER shoulder to cry on, check out these guidelines for using your support system wisely.

Realize that there are different kinds of support and appreciate what each person can offer. Everyone has their strong and not-so-strong points and no one person is likely to give you all the support you need. Identify each person's strong point and concentrate on that for the time being.

Fun Distraction: Some friends are best for laughs and good times. They're not so good with the serious stuff but they're almost always ready to go out for a night on the town or a new adventure. Let your time with them be a time to get away from your troubles for a while and don't bring a lot of your troubles to them.

Activity Buddies: These relationships are similar to "fun friends" but your main bond is around a specific interest or activity (running partners, chess opponents, the other "doggie moms" at the local run). It's super-important to keep busy and stay involved with things you're interested in to reinforce the fact that you have your own life, but you won't really get that benefit if you spend all your time at pilates talking about your ex's commitment issues.

Advice Givers: They want to help and they've got some ideas about how to handle the situation. They're best to talk to when you're open to another opinion. They can get impatient when you're floundering and not sure about what you want, or when you just want to talk about how you feel, or if you bring up the same thing when they've already given you advice about it. Parents often fall under this category.

Good Listeners: Some people are just great at being patient and willing to listen when we need to talk They don't try to fix it and they don't brush it off. Go to these friends when you need a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure you don't overload them (more on this below). And even though they're good at it, don't only come to them to talk about your problems--share some happy moments with them too.

These aren't strict categories and many people can fill more than one of these roles; just try to focus on where each support person's strengths meet your needs rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Spread it around. This kind of naturally follows from the point above, but try not to load too much on any one person. I once saw a great demonstration about support systems in which the presenter put a dixie cup upside-down on the floor and identified it as a single-person support system. She stepped on it and of course it crumpled. Then she put about 10 cups in a group on the floor, placed a board on them, and stood on the board. The cups held her up! You can try it at home--it's pretty cool. Even your best friend in the world doesn't need to hear every single thought and feeling you're having. People are able able to support you better when you don't overburden them and no single person can be there for you all the time.

Avoid broken-record syndrome. Have you ever been listening to someone talk about something and gotten the feeling they'd gone through the same thing a bunch of times before? Either their speech sounds rehearsed, they seem sort of hypnotized as they talk, or even worse you've actually heard them say exactly the same stuff 10 times before! Whether it's with one listener over and over, or several different people over time, the speaker and the listener aren't really connecting when it's a broken-record speech. The speaker is basically talking to themselves with the listener in the room. When you're the speaker you're not really getting support from the listener; you're just telling yourself a story over and over and it's usually not a good one. And you're also alienating whoever is stuck listening. If you find yourself doing this, try journaling instead. It will give you a space to express your thoughts and you'll be able to see in black and white if you're having the same thoughts over and over--and start working on moving past them and get unstuck.

Don't forget to express gratitude. We can get so focused on our own troubles we forget to thank the people who are there for us when we need them. Take the time to express your appreciation in words and actions. A simple note, card or small gift will make them feel good; plus focusing on someone else's happiness for a bit is actually good for you too.

Find new support if you need it. Sometimes a crisis highlights the fact that our support network needs building. If you need more people in your corner, look into joining a support group (in-person or online) to have more people to talk to, or start a new class or activity if you just need more connection/distraction.

Just remember: the more you care for your support system, the better it can take care of you. And that's the point here--taking good care of you.


Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Do Guys Have a Harder Time Dealing with Breakups?

Since I have started offering myself as a resource on break-ups, I have noticed one trend which kind of surprised me.I have been hearing from more men than women! I never would have guessed that this would happen, since most books and other resources about coping with a break-up are geared toward women. Isn't it women who talk more about relationships? Aren't we the ones who are more oriented toward all of that kind of stuff? I mean, romantic movies are called "chick flicks" for a reason, right?


So why are more guys reaching out about breakups than gals? Aside from a few who seem to have been smitten and are hopeful that I will help them heal their hearts in ways more personal than professional (sorry fellas, I don't provide that kind of service!), the majority are quite sincerely looking for guidance in recovering from what for them has clearly been a difficult, painful experience.



Here are a couple of my thoughts about why this might be the case:


#1: Guys May Feel Hurts Harder

One of the biggest complaints that women have about men in relationships is that they don't want to talk about emotional topics, which leads some women to accuse the men in their lives of being insensitive. However, the opposite may be true. John Gottman, who is probably the leading marriage, divorce and relationship expert in the world, found a fascinating difference between the men and women in the couples he studied:

Gottman found that the women he studied were emotionally and physiologically more able to soothe themselves and calm down after feeling stressed. In contrast, he found that a man's adrenaline kicks in quite readily and does not calm down so easily.

Gottman also found that the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress. For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated for longer. The same goes for their blood pressure — his will become more elevated and stay higher longer.

When male subjects are deliberately treated rudely and then told to relax for twenty minutes, their blood pressure surges and stays elevated until they get to retaliate.When women are faced the same treatment, they are able to calm down an lower their BP during those twenty minutes.

In other words, there is physiological evidence that men are more easily overwhelmed by relationship conflict than are their female partners. The term for this emotional and physical overwhelm is "flooding".

While these rules don't necessarily apply to every individual male and female, Gottman has found that the majority of couples do follow these gender differences in physiological and psychological reactions to stress. (He and his colleagues also found similar gender-based differences among same-sex couples as well, so that interactions within female same-sex couples are more emotionally expressive than in male same-sex couples).

In any case, it follows that if men have more trouble dealing with emotions in general, they may have a harder (and longer) recovery from the hurt of a breakup once they allow themselves to feel that hurt. It also explain why many men will try so hard to avoid feeling anything after a breakup, since letting themselves feel those feelings is actually riskier for them than it is for women.


#2: Guys have less built-in support


Again, there is no hard and fast rule here and some individual men and women may not fall along these lines, but in general women have a lot more resources for social support after a break-up. They usually can talk about how they're feeling about it with family and friends without feeling embarrassed. And the people in their lives will usually expect them to talk about it and will even ask them about it.


In contrast, the average guy will avoid talking about the breakup because a) he doesn't want to get flooded by emotion from talking about it; b) he is embarrassed to admit that he cares because it is less socially acceptable for him to do so; c) most of his guy friends aren't good at talking about emotional stuff either, so they will avoid it and he will avoid making them uncomfortable.


In fact, for most straight guys their most important source for talking about emotions is their female partner, and a break-up often leaves them without any outlet just at a time when it might be helpful to talk. Because even if talking is risky for guys, most of them learn that under the right circumstances it can be extremely supportive and helpful.

Like when they decide to reach out to me, or someone like me. So hang in there guys, I know break-ups are hard for you too (maybe even harder).

The good news is that it is also just as possible for you to learn and grow from the experience, and be wiser and happier in the times ahead.