Here's a card I created for the occasion. Our own cards will be launched along with the rest of the site sometime next month.
Send this card or rate it here at someecards.com
Showing posts with label breakover. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakover. Show all posts
4.02.2010
Happy Easter from The BreakUp Coach
Here's a card I created for the occasion. Our own cards will be launched along with the rest of the site sometime next month.
Send this card or rate it here at someecards.com
11.14.2009
Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #8: Get Yourself Moving and Out of Your Own Way
For a while I've been dealing with a physical injury--a tear in a ligament of the foot--which had hampered my mobility and made exercising very difficult since I can't to anything involving putting weight on the foot or pointing the toes (which tends to happen when swimming). I recently discovered a solution: using a flotation belt to run while suspended in the water. It feels a little silly, but also kind of fun, and the improvement in my mood since I got back to being active is remarkable. It's a great reminder for me of the importance of exercise for well-being, which is something that I focus on a lot in working with my clients.
My clients and I talk a lot about exercises because if you are going through a breakup or any other challenging life situation, getting (or keeping) your body moving is one of the most important things you can do to keep yourself in a state of relative balance and health.
You've probably heard a million things about why exercise is good for us physically, but its psychological effects are just as important, as outlined by this article about exercise to relieve/prevent depression and anxiety from the Mayo Clinic or a similar one from WebMD . They both explain that regular moderate exercise like walking, recreational biking or swimming improves mood and reduces stress through its biochemical effects on our brain and the rest of our nervous system. This relationship is so clear that several psychiatrists with whom I've collaborated in treating people with mild to moderate depression have insisted that those patients begin a regular exercise program before they would prescribe anti-depressants. When a professional whose main function is to give medications makes exercise their first choice over drugs, I take notice! Much of the time the depression would begin to lift just from the exercise. (Just to be clear, we did NOT follow this practice if the patient was severely depressed and/or seemed at risk of hurting themselves--in that case the patient got medication AND exercise together right away. There are some situations when medication is necessary and useful, and I'm by no mean saying otherwise. Also please remember that if you are taking medications it is EXTREMELY dangerous to go off of them without carefully tapering the dose under the supervision of a professional. Okay?)
Anyway, one thought about why exercise helps balance our moods and reduce the negative effects of stress involves the fight-or-flight response . When we encounter danger, our nervous system is programmed to react by getting ready to run away from the source of the danger or fight it off in order to defend ourselves. This comes in handy if we find ourselves being accosted in a dark alley. Unfortunately the same alarm system gets tripped in all kinds of emotionally "dangerous" situations too, like when you see your ex's new profile on match.com, for example. And when the fight-or-flight response gets activated a lot it can take on a life of its own and seem to go off nearly constantly (kind of like your neighbor's car alarm, or the smoke detector that screams every time you brown a slice of toast). That kind of wear and tear on your system can lead to anxiety, depression and other emotional problems. Exercise helps prevent this problem by allowing your stress response system to play itself out: when you actually carry out the act of "fleeing" (running and other cardio) or "fighting" (boxing, karate, weightlifting), your internal alarm system gets reset because it's been allowed to perform its function. Your body is sort of telling your nervous system, "okay, we've dealt with the problem, you can relax now". When you stop exercising your body and mind are signaled to relax fully, leaving you feeling calmer and more peaceful than before you started. Experiencing this process can help protect you and make you generally less emotionally reactive throughout the day.
Getting yourself moving during the day also helps you sleep better at night, and when you're feeling lovelorn, sleep can be challenging. Less tossing and turning the night before makes you feel better the next day, and so the positive cycle continues.
Besides making you sad, anxious, and sleepless, breakups have a way of messing with your confidence, especially your sense of attractiveness. Exercise helps with this too. You're probably saying, "Duh, exercise changes the way you look so of course you feel better about yourself!" Yes, exercise can make you look better, but research shows that the simple act of exercising regularly, without changing weight, shape or any other physical indicators, actually improves your body image (here's an article about that). So even if you don't lose a pound or a single inch off your waist, the fact that you are moving that body around on a regular basis will still make you feel better about it. And ever notice how feeling more attractive actually makes you more attractive? A flat stomach and firm butt are nice to have but there is nothing quite so sexy as confidence.
Okay, so clearly it's a really good idea to get regular exercise while you're dealing with a stressful breakup. The problem, of course, is that the very reasons why you need to be exercising also get in the way of doing it. When you're feeling heartbroken a part of you just wants to curl up in a ball on the couch with a tub of ice cream. Getting up and out of the house, much less to the gym, can feel like a huge challenge.
The good news is that you don't have to do any intense training in order to get the benefits I've been describing, nor do you have to do anything for long periods. So if you feel daunted by the thought of exercise, here some some suggestions might help:
1) Start really small. Tell yourself that you're just going to walk for 10 minutes (or around the block). Tread water in the pool for 3 songs-worth on the radio. Or try doing just 2 sets of yoga sun-salutations It will make a difference in how you feel, and how you feel about yourself. Work yourself up gradually to longer workouts on average, but make it okay on any given day to just do the minimum.
2) If you possibly can, try exercising the very first thing in the morning. Put your sneakers and socks and whatever else you would need for your exercise of choice right next to the bed and put them on before you even fully get up (or your yoga mat already laid out or whatever). Get yourself moving before you've even had a chance to think that much about what you're doing (and before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it).
3) Try exercising with other people when possible. The companionship makes the time go by faster, and making plans involving other people will increase your commitment to actually do it. Take a dance class, go on a hike with local outdoor group like the Sierra Club, or start a little walking group among your coworkers during lunch or right after work. Better yet, try joining or organizing a group training program for a charity walking or running event among friends or coworkers; you'll have companionship, structure, a goal to work towards and the satisfaction of helping your community.
4) If, like me, you have any injuries or mobility issues then water exercise is often a good option. If you don't normally have access to a pool, your health insurance might be able to help you out with that since you'd be using it for rehabilitation. A flotation belt from Speedo or Aquajogger will allow you to stay upright and jog, run, "cross country ski" and do all kinds of other exercises in zero gravity. They're adjustable but you still want to make sure you get the right size for your frame so you float properly and feel comfortable wearing the belt. Aquajogger even makes a belt designed specifically for women with smaller waists that won't ride up on you.
If you already exercise regularly then you probably already know what you need to do to stay motivated and focused. If you can, try increasing the intensity or variety of your workouts to get even more benefit. Kickboxing, anyone? It's a great combination of fight AND flight.
I won't pretend that exercise will solve everything, but it really can help smooth out those jagged emotional edges that a bad breakup can leave behind. So put the ice cream back in the freezer and get yourself in motion for a little while. That pint of rocky road will still be waiting for you when you're done, but you may not want it anymore--did I mention that exercise can help even out your appetite and reduce food cravings?
Happy trails (or happy treadmill, elliptical, or whatever works for you),
The BreakUp Coach
My clients and I talk a lot about exercises because if you are going through a breakup or any other challenging life situation, getting (or keeping) your body moving is one of the most important things you can do to keep yourself in a state of relative balance and health.
You've probably heard a million things about why exercise is good for us physically, but its psychological effects are just as important, as outlined by this article about exercise to relieve/prevent depression and anxiety from the Mayo Clinic or a similar one from WebMD . They both explain that regular moderate exercise like walking, recreational biking or swimming improves mood and reduces stress through its biochemical effects on our brain and the rest of our nervous system. This relationship is so clear that several psychiatrists with whom I've collaborated in treating people with mild to moderate depression have insisted that those patients begin a regular exercise program before they would prescribe anti-depressants. When a professional whose main function is to give medications makes exercise their first choice over drugs, I take notice! Much of the time the depression would begin to lift just from the exercise. (Just to be clear, we did NOT follow this practice if the patient was severely depressed and/or seemed at risk of hurting themselves--in that case the patient got medication AND exercise together right away. There are some situations when medication is necessary and useful, and I'm by no mean saying otherwise. Also please remember that if you are taking medications it is EXTREMELY dangerous to go off of them without carefully tapering the dose under the supervision of a professional. Okay?)
Anyway, one thought about why exercise helps balance our moods and reduce the negative effects of stress involves the fight-or-flight response . When we encounter danger, our nervous system is programmed to react by getting ready to run away from the source of the danger or fight it off in order to defend ourselves. This comes in handy if we find ourselves being accosted in a dark alley. Unfortunately the same alarm system gets tripped in all kinds of emotionally "dangerous" situations too, like when you see your ex's new profile on match.com, for example. And when the fight-or-flight response gets activated a lot it can take on a life of its own and seem to go off nearly constantly (kind of like your neighbor's car alarm, or the smoke detector that screams every time you brown a slice of toast). That kind of wear and tear on your system can lead to anxiety, depression and other emotional problems. Exercise helps prevent this problem by allowing your stress response system to play itself out: when you actually carry out the act of "fleeing" (running and other cardio) or "fighting" (boxing, karate, weightlifting), your internal alarm system gets reset because it's been allowed to perform its function. Your body is sort of telling your nervous system, "okay, we've dealt with the problem, you can relax now". When you stop exercising your body and mind are signaled to relax fully, leaving you feeling calmer and more peaceful than before you started. Experiencing this process can help protect you and make you generally less emotionally reactive throughout the day.
Getting yourself moving during the day also helps you sleep better at night, and when you're feeling lovelorn, sleep can be challenging. Less tossing and turning the night before makes you feel better the next day, and so the positive cycle continues.
Besides making you sad, anxious, and sleepless, breakups have a way of messing with your confidence, especially your sense of attractiveness. Exercise helps with this too. You're probably saying, "Duh, exercise changes the way you look so of course you feel better about yourself!" Yes, exercise can make you look better, but research shows that the simple act of exercising regularly, without changing weight, shape or any other physical indicators, actually improves your body image (here's an article about that). So even if you don't lose a pound or a single inch off your waist, the fact that you are moving that body around on a regular basis will still make you feel better about it. And ever notice how feeling more attractive actually makes you more attractive? A flat stomach and firm butt are nice to have but there is nothing quite so sexy as confidence.
Okay, so clearly it's a really good idea to get regular exercise while you're dealing with a stressful breakup. The problem, of course, is that the very reasons why you need to be exercising also get in the way of doing it. When you're feeling heartbroken a part of you just wants to curl up in a ball on the couch with a tub of ice cream. Getting up and out of the house, much less to the gym, can feel like a huge challenge.
The good news is that you don't have to do any intense training in order to get the benefits I've been describing, nor do you have to do anything for long periods. So if you feel daunted by the thought of exercise, here some some suggestions might help:
1) Start really small. Tell yourself that you're just going to walk for 10 minutes (or around the block). Tread water in the pool for 3 songs-worth on the radio. Or try doing just 2 sets of yoga sun-salutations It will make a difference in how you feel, and how you feel about yourself. Work yourself up gradually to longer workouts on average, but make it okay on any given day to just do the minimum.
2) If you possibly can, try exercising the very first thing in the morning. Put your sneakers and socks and whatever else you would need for your exercise of choice right next to the bed and put them on before you even fully get up (or your yoga mat already laid out or whatever). Get yourself moving before you've even had a chance to think that much about what you're doing (and before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it).
3) Try exercising with other people when possible. The companionship makes the time go by faster, and making plans involving other people will increase your commitment to actually do it. Take a dance class, go on a hike with local outdoor group like the Sierra Club, or start a little walking group among your coworkers during lunch or right after work. Better yet, try joining or organizing a group training program for a charity walking or running event among friends or coworkers; you'll have companionship, structure, a goal to work towards and the satisfaction of helping your community.
4) If, like me, you have any injuries or mobility issues then water exercise is often a good option. If you don't normally have access to a pool, your health insurance might be able to help you out with that since you'd be using it for rehabilitation. A flotation belt from Speedo or Aquajogger will allow you to stay upright and jog, run, "cross country ski" and do all kinds of other exercises in zero gravity. They're adjustable but you still want to make sure you get the right size for your frame so you float properly and feel comfortable wearing the belt. Aquajogger even makes a belt designed specifically for women with smaller waists that won't ride up on you.
If you already exercise regularly then you probably already know what you need to do to stay motivated and focused. If you can, try increasing the intensity or variety of your workouts to get even more benefit. Kickboxing, anyone? It's a great combination of fight AND flight.
I won't pretend that exercise will solve everything, but it really can help smooth out those jagged emotional edges that a bad breakup can leave behind. So put the ice cream back in the freezer and get yourself in motion for a little while. That pint of rocky road will still be waiting for you when you're done, but you may not want it anymore--did I mention that exercise can help even out your appetite and reduce food cravings?
Happy trails (or happy treadmill, elliptical, or whatever works for you),
The BreakUp Coach
11.05.2009
How to discreetly change your relationship status on Facebook
If you spend any time on Facebook you've probably seen one of those embarrassing updates on your news feed announcing that one of your friends "is now single" or "is no longer in a relationship with so-and-so", complete with that little icon of a broken heart. Ouch. Maybe this has even happened to you when you went to change your own relationship status...or your ex did. Double ouch.
As if a breakup weren't hard enough to deal with, now you get to have a bunch of messages from semi-random people who happen to be your "friends" on the site but don't actually know you that well. Ugh. And how about a wall post from a frenemy dripping with fake concern: "Hope you're doing ok since you got dumped, Stella. Don't worry, there's still time cross off your 'plus one' on the caterer list for my awesome engagement party next week--see you there". Grrrrr!
Since there's even a fan page dedicated to gossiping about other people's status changes it's a good idea to be discreet about yours.
So here's how to avoid adding insult to injury by quietly changing your Facebook status.
1) Log in to Facebook and click on the "Settings" link at the top right of your screen
2) When the "My Account" screen comes up, find "Privacy" on the list and click on the link to the right that reads "Manage"
3) Click on the link that reads "News Feed and Wall"
4) UNCHECK any boxes related to relationship status (there's that little heart icon again)
This will stop notifications from going out when you change your relationship status. (Note: these instructions are correct currently, but if you spend any time on Facebook you know that they're always changing stuff on there, so be aware that the details of how to do this may change in the future. In general it's a good idea to keep up with your privacy settings by checking them every once in a while).
OK, now you're ready to change your status:
1) Go to your profile
2) Click on the "edit my profile" link in the section below your profile picture.
3) Under basic information, go to the pulldown menu for "relationship status" and click on it.
4) If you're really trying to be discreet, instead of selecting "single", select the blank space at the top of the menu. Now there will be no relationship status listed on your profile at all and it will remain a mystery to lurkers on your page. You can always go back later and change it to single when you're feeling up to publicly declaring your new status.
Unfortunately you have no control over how your ex chooses to handle the information on their end, but it wouldn't hurt to pass on the instructions to them if you're on civil terms.
And of course, you can save yourself a lot of trouble beforehand by being extremely conservative about posting relationship status on Facebook in the first place--an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!
Here's to minimizing digital heartbreak,
The BreakUp Coach
As if a breakup weren't hard enough to deal with, now you get to have a bunch of messages from semi-random people who happen to be your "friends" on the site but don't actually know you that well. Ugh. And how about a wall post from a frenemy dripping with fake concern: "Hope you're doing ok since you got dumped, Stella. Don't worry, there's still time cross off your 'plus one' on the caterer list for my awesome engagement party next week--see you there". Grrrrr!
Since there's even a fan page dedicated to gossiping about other people's status changes it's a good idea to be discreet about yours.
So here's how to avoid adding insult to injury by quietly changing your Facebook status.
1) Log in to Facebook and click on the "Settings" link at the top right of your screen
2) When the "My Account" screen comes up, find "Privacy" on the list and click on the link to the right that reads "Manage"
3) Click on the link that reads "News Feed and Wall"
4) UNCHECK any boxes related to relationship status (there's that little heart icon again)
This will stop notifications from going out when you change your relationship status. (Note: these instructions are correct currently, but if you spend any time on Facebook you know that they're always changing stuff on there, so be aware that the details of how to do this may change in the future. In general it's a good idea to keep up with your privacy settings by checking them every once in a while).
OK, now you're ready to change your status:
1) Go to your profile
2) Click on the "edit my profile" link in the section below your profile picture.
3) Under basic information, go to the pulldown menu for "relationship status" and click on it.
4) If you're really trying to be discreet, instead of selecting "single", select the blank space at the top of the menu. Now there will be no relationship status listed on your profile at all and it will remain a mystery to lurkers on your page. You can always go back later and change it to single when you're feeling up to publicly declaring your new status.
Unfortunately you have no control over how your ex chooses to handle the information on their end, but it wouldn't hurt to pass on the instructions to them if you're on civil terms.
And of course, you can save yourself a lot of trouble beforehand by being extremely conservative about posting relationship status on Facebook in the first place--an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!
Here's to minimizing digital heartbreak,
The BreakUp Coach
10.07.2009
Breakover-Breakup-Recovery Tip #7: Seeing things differently
Ok, so if you're getting over a breakup then hopefully you’ve already made some changes by following my previous breakover tips. By this point you've given your bed a makeover and you've also changed up what your nose knows. In fact, hopefully you've read all of the posts that come up when you click the "breakover" link to the right.
Now you're ready to do some changin' and rearrangin’ elsewhere. This time we’re going for VISUAL changes. When your eyes take in an environment that you see frequently and things look different, your mind registers the change and your experience feels newer and fresher, even if you don’t consciously realize it. So move a few things in your living space around. Pick at least 3 of these (extra credit if you do more and/or think of some changes of your own)
Switch the pictures around on the walls.
Rearrange your books on their shelves (This is a really good one--you have no idea how much your brain registers the order of those books, especially if they’ve been set up the same way for a long time).
Shift a rug or rugs around to a new position or angle--if it’s straight across try a jaunty diagonal for a while.
Move the TV to a new spot, even if it’s one foot to the left or the right.
Mirrors are a good choice for moving--that way you can see yourself in a new light (ok, that one was cheesy, I admit it)
If you can, move your bed so it’s facing in a new direction; at least try shifting it a foot or two to one side.
If the blinds are usually closed, open them; or switch the curtains between two different rooms.
Sit in a different place to eat. If you usually sit on the couch, sit at the table or vice versa.
If you have one, shift your work or study space around as much as you can. Put a new screensaver on your monitor. This one is especially good if you go to an office or other location to work since now you'll have 2 different places where you see things differently.
With each change you will be taking a step toward rewiring your brain for the fabulous new life you're transitioning into. As you do that, you'll be more open to new experiences, new adventures, and eventually, new love.
*Special thanks to Angie Lusk, advice-giver extraordinaire, for coming up with some of the change suggestions above. You can check out her excellent blog here
Now you're ready to do some changin' and rearrangin’ elsewhere. This time we’re going for VISUAL changes. When your eyes take in an environment that you see frequently and things look different, your mind registers the change and your experience feels newer and fresher, even if you don’t consciously realize it. So move a few things in your living space around. Pick at least 3 of these (extra credit if you do more and/or think of some changes of your own)
Switch the pictures around on the walls.
Rearrange your books on their shelves (This is a really good one--you have no idea how much your brain registers the order of those books, especially if they’ve been set up the same way for a long time).
Shift a rug or rugs around to a new position or angle--if it’s straight across try a jaunty diagonal for a while.
Move the TV to a new spot, even if it’s one foot to the left or the right.
Mirrors are a good choice for moving--that way you can see yourself in a new light (ok, that one was cheesy, I admit it)
If you can, move your bed so it’s facing in a new direction; at least try shifting it a foot or two to one side.
If the blinds are usually closed, open them; or switch the curtains between two different rooms.
Sit in a different place to eat. If you usually sit on the couch, sit at the table or vice versa.
If you have one, shift your work or study space around as much as you can. Put a new screensaver on your monitor. This one is especially good if you go to an office or other location to work since now you'll have 2 different places where you see things differently.
With each change you will be taking a step toward rewiring your brain for the fabulous new life you're transitioning into. As you do that, you'll be more open to new experiences, new adventures, and eventually, new love.
*Special thanks to Angie Lusk, advice-giver extraordinaire, for coming up with some of the change suggestions above. You can check out her excellent blog here
9.29.2009
Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #5: Dealing with Your Life Online
I'm posting this as Breakover Tip #5 because I'm counting some earlier posts as tips #1-4:
(By the way the No Contact for 60 Days advice is more of a commandment than a tip!)
1. Give your bed a makeover
2. Change up what your nose knows
3. Try doing something for someone else
4. Change your ex's contact info
This tip is about how to be online while going through a breakup and avoid 1)impulsively making contact with your ex in a moment of weakness and 2) spying on your ex online, which can be oh-so tempting yet always manages to make you feel worse--there are few things quite so effective in sucking up your time, energy and self-respect as monitoring your ex online--if you listen closely you might be able to actually HEAR your own life draining away.
Tip #5 is kind of an expansion on tip #4. They share a purpose in helping you avoid contact with your ex, especially the kind you're most likely to regret (like when you're in panic mode after your much younger cousin announces her engagement, or when you've had one (or four) too many mojitos).
So, how do you keep from drunk (or any kind of unplanned) emailing, IM'ing, facebooking, tweeting, and whatever other online communication routes you have that I've probably never even heard of? How do you keep from getting yourself sucked into soul-killing online stalker mode?
In an ideal world you'll detach from them completely. You’ll erase any of their email addresses as well as all of their email messages. You'll de-friend them on Facebook and unfollow them on Twitter. (If we lived in the days of smoke signals I guess you'd be throwing away your kindling and pouring water over the logs). And of course you'll delete them from any instant messenger lists (IM monitoring is an especially good way to torture yourself during a breakup). Full erasure and un-linkage is the online equivalent of quickly ripping off a band-aid or wax strip: it's much better in the long run to just do it and get it over with!
But ok, let's say you're not quite ready to do that. You're still trying to be "just friends" (good luck with that by the way), you need to keep some kind of contact with them because you work or have kids together, or for some other reason you're just not quite ready to let go.
In this case, hiding is your friend. And no, I'm not talking about hiding under the covers, waiting for this whole mess to blow over. I mean online hiding. If you feel you must stay friends with them on Facebook (for now), at the very least you must hide them from your feed so you’re not reminded of their existence every time they post a photo or “become a fan” of swiss cheese. You can do this by floating your curser to the right of one of their updates and a little HIDE box will pop up--you probably knew that already but just in case. There’s usually an option to do something like this for IM programs too--though seriously, please, if at all possible just delete them from those. I don’t know if there’s a Twitter equivalent, so if you’re not ready to unfollow it’s a good idea to take a break or seriously limit your t-time for a while.
In fact, it’s generally a very good idea to keep your time online within limits while you’re in breakup recovery mode. I know I sound like your mom, but try getting up from that monitor and going outside. Read a good book. Learn to knit or something. And if you can, release yourself for a while from any mobile tethers you have by temporarily deleting any Facebook-like applications from your mobile device. Allow yourself some time for escape from all that stuff while you work on moving on with your life. You can always re-install them later.
Whether you choose the rip-off-quickly method or gradual disengagement, the idea is to get yourself unstuck from the past and into a new phase of your life. So don’t let any relationship ghosts lurk too long in your laptop--you need to make room in there for bigger and better things.
Love from your Friend, Fan and Follower,
The Breakup Coach
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
(By the way the No Contact for 60 Days advice is more of a commandment than a tip!)
1. Give your bed a makeover
2. Change up what your nose knows
3. Try doing something for someone else
4. Change your ex's contact info
This tip is about how to be online while going through a breakup and avoid 1)impulsively making contact with your ex in a moment of weakness and 2) spying on your ex online, which can be oh-so tempting yet always manages to make you feel worse--there are few things quite so effective in sucking up your time, energy and self-respect as monitoring your ex online--if you listen closely you might be able to actually HEAR your own life draining away.
Tip #5 is kind of an expansion on tip #4. They share a purpose in helping you avoid contact with your ex, especially the kind you're most likely to regret (like when you're in panic mode after your much younger cousin announces her engagement, or when you've had one (or four) too many mojitos).
So, how do you keep from drunk (or any kind of unplanned) emailing, IM'ing, facebooking, tweeting, and whatever other online communication routes you have that I've probably never even heard of? How do you keep from getting yourself sucked into soul-killing online stalker mode?
In an ideal world you'll detach from them completely. You’ll erase any of their email addresses as well as all of their email messages. You'll de-friend them on Facebook and unfollow them on Twitter. (If we lived in the days of smoke signals I guess you'd be throwing away your kindling and pouring water over the logs). And of course you'll delete them from any instant messenger lists (IM monitoring is an especially good way to torture yourself during a breakup). Full erasure and un-linkage is the online equivalent of quickly ripping off a band-aid or wax strip: it's much better in the long run to just do it and get it over with!
But ok, let's say you're not quite ready to do that. You're still trying to be "just friends" (good luck with that by the way), you need to keep some kind of contact with them because you work or have kids together, or for some other reason you're just not quite ready to let go.
In this case, hiding is your friend. And no, I'm not talking about hiding under the covers, waiting for this whole mess to blow over. I mean online hiding. If you feel you must stay friends with them on Facebook (for now), at the very least you must hide them from your feed so you’re not reminded of their existence every time they post a photo or “become a fan” of swiss cheese. You can do this by floating your curser to the right of one of their updates and a little HIDE box will pop up--you probably knew that already but just in case. There’s usually an option to do something like this for IM programs too--though seriously, please, if at all possible just delete them from those. I don’t know if there’s a Twitter equivalent, so if you’re not ready to unfollow it’s a good idea to take a break or seriously limit your t-time for a while.
In fact, it’s generally a very good idea to keep your time online within limits while you’re in breakup recovery mode. I know I sound like your mom, but try getting up from that monitor and going outside. Read a good book. Learn to knit or something. And if you can, release yourself for a while from any mobile tethers you have by temporarily deleting any Facebook-like applications from your mobile device. Allow yourself some time for escape from all that stuff while you work on moving on with your life. You can always re-install them later.
Whether you choose the rip-off-quickly method or gradual disengagement, the idea is to get yourself unstuck from the past and into a new phase of your life. So don’t let any relationship ghosts lurk too long in your laptop--you need to make room in there for bigger and better things.
Love from your Friend, Fan and Follower,
The Breakup Coach
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
9.22.2009
Random Acts of Coolness: Helping Strangers is Good for You
Sometimes when we're going through a rough patch it makes us feel better to do something good for someone else. As I mentioned in another essay, it helps get us out of our own "stuff" for a while when we focus on other people, plus it can give you a little sense of accomplishment in addition to the natural good feeling that comes from making someone else happy. And one very cool, selfless way to help someone else is to do something nice for strangers, anonymously.
That's one reason why I think Operation Beautiful is so cool. It's a grassroots movement in which women are leaving encouraging sticky notes on the mirrors in ladies rooms and other public spaces. The most common message is that you're beautiful (amazing, gorgeous, fantastic) just the way you are. I left my first note (in photo below) yesterday; it won't be the last. People also submit photos of their notes AND notes they find to the website.
Why not add it to your breakup recovery to-do list? It's so easy--you can pre-write a few on a pack of post-its and carry it in your bag for when the moment presents itself and start spreading the word at starbucks, the library, the DMV and any other random place where you use the ladies room. And, if you can, post some pics on operation beautiful and add links here, too. You'll inspire others and spread the love even more.
I guarantee you will feel a little lighter if you do.
Stay gorgeous,
The Breakup Coach
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
That's one reason why I think Operation Beautiful is so cool. It's a grassroots movement in which women are leaving encouraging sticky notes on the mirrors in ladies rooms and other public spaces. The most common message is that you're beautiful (amazing, gorgeous, fantastic) just the way you are. I left my first note (in photo below) yesterday; it won't be the last. People also submit photos of their notes AND notes they find to the website.
 |
| From Notes From BreakUp Land |
Why not add it to your breakup recovery to-do list? It's so easy--you can pre-write a few on a pack of post-its and carry it in your bag for when the moment presents itself and start spreading the word at starbucks, the library, the DMV and any other random place where you use the ladies room. And, if you can, post some pics on operation beautiful and add links here, too. You'll inspire others and spread the love even more.
I guarantee you will feel a little lighter if you do.
Stay gorgeous,
The Breakup Coach
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
9.20.2009
Between the Sheets: The Bed Makeover (Breakover)
If you're going through a breakup here's an important assignment for your breakover (it’s like a makeover except not quite as fun, at least at first. But you WILL feel and look better by the end of the program if you follow the assignments, promise!)
Even if your ex never even saw your bed (except in their dreams), this is probably where you lay talking with them on the phone late at night, fantasizing about them, and so on. And if he was ever actually under those covers, well… In any case, a good bed makeover is key to any breakover program--out with the old and in with the new so that you don't feel stuck in the past. If you can afford it, splurge on some new sheets and a quilt or duvet cover. And how about some fresh new pillows? New colors/ patterns are key. If you REALLY love the stuff on your bed you can just stash it away for a couple of months while you're on the program. And if you're strapped for cash, think about asking a friend, roommate or family member to swap with you. You’ll also want to change the way your bed smells by washing those sheets with new detergent a la my advice about the importance of changing the scents you're exposed to.
Now that your bed is all fresh and new, it's time to change your place in it. If you usually sleep on the left side, slide right on over to the right — or better yet, spread out in the middle and give yourself a good, long stretch. Someday, when you're blissfully happy with the future love of your life, they still may kick you in your sleep, snore or steal the covers. Hey, nobody's perfect! For now, enjoy your temporary freedom.
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
Even if your ex never even saw your bed (except in their dreams), this is probably where you lay talking with them on the phone late at night, fantasizing about them, and so on. And if he was ever actually under those covers, well… In any case, a good bed makeover is key to any breakover program--out with the old and in with the new so that you don't feel stuck in the past. If you can afford it, splurge on some new sheets and a quilt or duvet cover. And how about some fresh new pillows? New colors/ patterns are key. If you REALLY love the stuff on your bed you can just stash it away for a couple of months while you're on the program. And if you're strapped for cash, think about asking a friend, roommate or family member to swap with you. You’ll also want to change the way your bed smells by washing those sheets with new detergent a la my advice about the importance of changing the scents you're exposed to.
Now that your bed is all fresh and new, it's time to change your place in it. If you usually sleep on the left side, slide right on over to the right — or better yet, spread out in the middle and give yourself a good, long stretch. Someday, when you're blissfully happy with the future love of your life, they still may kick you in your sleep, snore or steal the covers. Hey, nobody's perfect! For now, enjoy your temporary freedom.
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
8.24.2009
The Care and Feeding of Your Support System: How to Avoid Collateral Friendship Damage During a Breakup
A common piece of advice on getting through a breakup is to "take advantage of your support system". Of course times like these are one of the reasons we call family and friends a support system in the first place, but how we act during the breakup can put a strain on relationships with the people who love us and care about us the most. Friends and family may get impatient and frustrated with us, while we end up feeling let-down and disappointed. Sometimes we start to wonder if they really care, but the problem may be how you're trying to get support rather than whether they're willing to help.
Before you stop talking to your sis or give your best friend the cold shoulder just when you could really use HER shoulder to cry on, check out these guidelines for using your support system wisely.
Realize that there are different kinds of support and appreciate what each person can offer. Everyone has their strong and not-so-strong points and no one person is likely to give you all the support you need. Identify each person's strong point and concentrate on that for the time being.
Fun Distraction: Some friends are best for laughs and good times. They're not so good with the serious stuff but they're almost always ready to go out for a night on the town or a new adventure. Let your time with them be a time to get away from your troubles for a while and don't bring a lot of your troubles to them.
Activity Buddies: These relationships are similar to "fun friends" but your main bond is around a specific interest or activity (running partners, chess opponents, the other "doggie moms" at the local run). It's super-important to keep busy and stay involved with things you're interested in to reinforce the fact that you have your own life, but you won't really get that benefit if you spend all your time at pilates talking about your ex's commitment issues.
Advice Givers: They want to help and they've got some ideas about how to handle the situation. They're best to talk to when you're open to another opinion. They can get impatient when you're floundering and not sure about what you want, or when you just want to talk about how you feel, or if you bring up the same thing when they've already given you advice about it. Parents often fall under this category.
Good Listeners: Some people are just great at being patient and willing to listen when we need to talk They don't try to fix it and they don't brush it off. Go to these friends when you need a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure you don't overload them (more on this below). And even though they're good at it, don't only come to them to talk about your problems--share some happy moments with them too.
These aren't strict categories and many people can fill more than one of these roles; just try to focus on where each support person's strengths meet your needs rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
Spread it around. This kind of naturally follows from the point above, but try not to load too much on any one person. I once saw a great demonstration about support systems in which the presenter put a dixie cup upside-down on the floor and identified it as a single-person support system. She stepped on it and of course it crumpled. Then she put about 10 cups in a group on the floor, placed a board on them, and stood on the board. The cups held her up! You can try it at home--it's pretty cool. Even your best friend in the world doesn't need to hear every single thought and feeling you're having. People are able able to support you better when you don't overburden them and no single person can be there for you all the time.
Avoid broken-record syndrome. Have you ever been listening to someone talk about something and gotten the feeling they'd gone through the same thing a bunch of times before? Either their speech sounds rehearsed, they seem sort of hypnotized as they talk, or even worse you've actually heard them say exactly the same stuff 10 times before! Whether it's with one listener over and over, or several different people over time, the speaker and the listener aren't really connecting when it's a broken-record speech. The speaker is basically talking to themselves with the listener in the room. When you're the speaker you're not really getting support from the listener; you're just telling yourself a story over and over and it's usually not a good one. And you're also alienating whoever is stuck listening. If you find yourself doing this, try journaling instead. It will give you a space to express your thoughts and you'll be able to see in black and white if you're having the same thoughts over and over--and start working on moving past them and get unstuck.
Don't forget to express gratitude. We can get so focused on our own troubles we forget to thank the people who are there for us when we need them. Take the time to express your appreciation in words and actions. A simple note, card or small gift will make them feel good; plus focusing on someone else's happiness for a bit is actually good for you too.
Find new support if you need it. Sometimes a crisis highlights the fact that our support network needs building. If you need more people in your corner, look into joining a support group (in-person or online) to have more people to talk to, or start a new class or activity if you just need more connection/distraction.
Just remember: the more you care for your support system, the better it can take care of you. And that's the point here--taking good care of you.
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
Before you stop talking to your sis or give your best friend the cold shoulder just when you could really use HER shoulder to cry on, check out these guidelines for using your support system wisely.
Realize that there are different kinds of support and appreciate what each person can offer. Everyone has their strong and not-so-strong points and no one person is likely to give you all the support you need. Identify each person's strong point and concentrate on that for the time being.
Fun Distraction: Some friends are best for laughs and good times. They're not so good with the serious stuff but they're almost always ready to go out for a night on the town or a new adventure. Let your time with them be a time to get away from your troubles for a while and don't bring a lot of your troubles to them.
Activity Buddies: These relationships are similar to "fun friends" but your main bond is around a specific interest or activity (running partners, chess opponents, the other "doggie moms" at the local run). It's super-important to keep busy and stay involved with things you're interested in to reinforce the fact that you have your own life, but you won't really get that benefit if you spend all your time at pilates talking about your ex's commitment issues.
Advice Givers: They want to help and they've got some ideas about how to handle the situation. They're best to talk to when you're open to another opinion. They can get impatient when you're floundering and not sure about what you want, or when you just want to talk about how you feel, or if you bring up the same thing when they've already given you advice about it. Parents often fall under this category.
Good Listeners: Some people are just great at being patient and willing to listen when we need to talk They don't try to fix it and they don't brush it off. Go to these friends when you need a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure you don't overload them (more on this below). And even though they're good at it, don't only come to them to talk about your problems--share some happy moments with them too.
These aren't strict categories and many people can fill more than one of these roles; just try to focus on where each support person's strengths meet your needs rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
Spread it around. This kind of naturally follows from the point above, but try not to load too much on any one person. I once saw a great demonstration about support systems in which the presenter put a dixie cup upside-down on the floor and identified it as a single-person support system. She stepped on it and of course it crumpled. Then she put about 10 cups in a group on the floor, placed a board on them, and stood on the board. The cups held her up! You can try it at home--it's pretty cool. Even your best friend in the world doesn't need to hear every single thought and feeling you're having. People are able able to support you better when you don't overburden them and no single person can be there for you all the time.
Avoid broken-record syndrome. Have you ever been listening to someone talk about something and gotten the feeling they'd gone through the same thing a bunch of times before? Either their speech sounds rehearsed, they seem sort of hypnotized as they talk, or even worse you've actually heard them say exactly the same stuff 10 times before! Whether it's with one listener over and over, or several different people over time, the speaker and the listener aren't really connecting when it's a broken-record speech. The speaker is basically talking to themselves with the listener in the room. When you're the speaker you're not really getting support from the listener; you're just telling yourself a story over and over and it's usually not a good one. And you're also alienating whoever is stuck listening. If you find yourself doing this, try journaling instead. It will give you a space to express your thoughts and you'll be able to see in black and white if you're having the same thoughts over and over--and start working on moving past them and get unstuck.
Don't forget to express gratitude. We can get so focused on our own troubles we forget to thank the people who are there for us when we need them. Take the time to express your appreciation in words and actions. A simple note, card or small gift will make them feel good; plus focusing on someone else's happiness for a bit is actually good for you too.
Find new support if you need it. Sometimes a crisis highlights the fact that our support network needs building. If you need more people in your corner, look into joining a support group (in-person or online) to have more people to talk to, or start a new class or activity if you just need more connection/distraction.
Just remember: the more you care for your support system, the better it can take care of you. And that's the point here--taking good care of you.
Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr
7.22.2009
Scents, Memory and Moving On (or "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair")
Of our five senses, smell is the one most tied to memory. A particular smell can bring us back to other times, places, and people in our lives in an instant.
There's a scientific basis for this, since apparently the areas of the brain that deal with smell, memory and emotion are all closely connected. Some of the top researchers who study this stuff are faculty at The Breakup Coach's very own alma mater, Brown University--including Dr. Rachel Herz, who wrote a very interesting and readable book on the topic called The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell
.
Anyway, it's no wonder that the smells that we associate with a recent ex, or the relationship, can stir such strong feelings in us.
In any case, if you are dealing with a breakup it makes sense to "follow your nose" as you work through your stuff about the relationship and start moving forward with your life. Here are a couple of thoughts, depending on your situation.
Aromatherapy Boot Camp
If you're feeling stuck on your ex and having trouble moving on from the relationship, change some of the scents that are part of your daily life. Because we use these products daily, they form a kind of olfactory backdrop for our lives that our brains register unconsciously. Making the switch will help train your brain to start focusing on the fresh, new future ahead of you.
I suggest you change at least 3 of the following scented items: shampoo; soap/shower gel; deodorant; body lotion; laundry detergent (this is a really good one as it affects the smell of your sheets as well as your clothes). If you're strapped for cash try doing a swap with a friend (maybe not the deodorant, but the other stuff would be okay). If cash isn't an issue but you hate wasting, try giving your old stuff away to a shelter where they are always in need of personal care products.
Also since a lot of what we associate with taste is really smell you might also try switching your morning cereal or your regular coffee drink.
Full Immersion Sob Session
OK, this one is only for those of us who are having trouble getting in touch with our feelings. You know, that friend who insists she's ready to move on and start dating just a couple of hours after getting left at the alter, after her fiance ran off with her sister (or her brother!)?
For this one you're intentionally bringing yourself into the memories by exposing yourself to smells associated with the relationship. Get hold of some of your ex's brand of shampoo, cologne, detergent, etc. Sniff some of the same wine you shared on that special anniversary night. Pop a slice of their favorite bread in the toaster. One friend actually slept for several nights on the pillowcase which her ex had recently vacated--if you have access to anything like this and you've been holding back from feeling anything, give it a go, but for ONE night. Then have yourself a good, long cry.
Remember, this is only for those of us who haven't given ourselves a chance to feel the loss of the relationship--the majority of us have already cried enough tears and need to start exposing ourselves to new scents.
So grab that new bottle of shampoo, crank up the soundtrack to South Pacific, and lather away!
Copyright Sasha Carr 2009
There's a scientific basis for this, since apparently the areas of the brain that deal with smell, memory and emotion are all closely connected. Some of the top researchers who study this stuff are faculty at The Breakup Coach's very own alma mater, Brown University--including Dr. Rachel Herz, who wrote a very interesting and readable book on the topic called The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell
.Anyway, it's no wonder that the smells that we associate with a recent ex, or the relationship, can stir such strong feelings in us.
In any case, if you are dealing with a breakup it makes sense to "follow your nose" as you work through your stuff about the relationship and start moving forward with your life. Here are a couple of thoughts, depending on your situation.
Aromatherapy Boot Camp
If you're feeling stuck on your ex and having trouble moving on from the relationship, change some of the scents that are part of your daily life. Because we use these products daily, they form a kind of olfactory backdrop for our lives that our brains register unconsciously. Making the switch will help train your brain to start focusing on the fresh, new future ahead of you.
I suggest you change at least 3 of the following scented items: shampoo; soap/shower gel; deodorant; body lotion; laundry detergent (this is a really good one as it affects the smell of your sheets as well as your clothes). If you're strapped for cash try doing a swap with a friend (maybe not the deodorant, but the other stuff would be okay). If cash isn't an issue but you hate wasting, try giving your old stuff away to a shelter where they are always in need of personal care products.
Also since a lot of what we associate with taste is really smell you might also try switching your morning cereal or your regular coffee drink.
Full Immersion Sob Session
OK, this one is only for those of us who are having trouble getting in touch with our feelings. You know, that friend who insists she's ready to move on and start dating just a couple of hours after getting left at the alter, after her fiance ran off with her sister (or her brother!)?
For this one you're intentionally bringing yourself into the memories by exposing yourself to smells associated with the relationship. Get hold of some of your ex's brand of shampoo, cologne, detergent, etc. Sniff some of the same wine you shared on that special anniversary night. Pop a slice of their favorite bread in the toaster. One friend actually slept for several nights on the pillowcase which her ex had recently vacated--if you have access to anything like this and you've been holding back from feeling anything, give it a go, but for ONE night. Then have yourself a good, long cry.
Remember, this is only for those of us who haven't given ourselves a chance to feel the loss of the relationship--the majority of us have already cried enough tears and need to start exposing ourselves to new scents.
So grab that new bottle of shampoo, crank up the soundtrack to South Pacific, and lather away!
Copyright Sasha Carr 2009
7.13.2009
Frogs and Princes
Just about all of us are going to encounter many "Frogs" in this life. Encountering them and letting them fall away in order to make room for the "Prince" who will eventually appear is part of normal life.
I say this not from a place of cynicism, but with absolute faith in this process as an integral part of your journey in finding true love and ultimate happiness.
The lessons you learn in dealing with and totally letting go of your "Frogs" will help you recognize, appreciate, and open your heart to your own "Prince" when he appears.
So appreciate the "Frogs" for the lesson they are here to teach you. Thank them and let them move on. And know that you and your "Prince" will meet when you are ready.
Go get 'em, Princess!
The Breakup Coach
I say this not from a place of cynicism, but with absolute faith in this process as an integral part of your journey in finding true love and ultimate happiness.
The lessons you learn in dealing with and totally letting go of your "Frogs" will help you recognize, appreciate, and open your heart to your own "Prince" when he appears.
So appreciate the "Frogs" for the lesson they are here to teach you. Thank them and let them move on. And know that you and your "Prince" will meet when you are ready.
Go get 'em, Princess!
The Breakup Coach
7.08.2009
Changing Your Ex's Contact Info
If you find yourself pining after your ex, calling them, or taking their calls even when you know you'd be better off not to, try following this tip:
* Pick a nickname for your ex that is non-complimentary, maybe a little funny, maybe just a little bit mean. EXAMPLES: Loser Dude, Mr. Wrong, StillLivesWithMom, etc.
* Now change the info in your cell phone and email contacts to the new nickname (Take them off any of your chat lists--keeping them there will just make you crazy!)
* When "Guy Just Not That Into Me" calls, texts or emails, you'll be reminded that he's your EX and maybe decide not to reply!
* Pick a nickname for your ex that is non-complimentary, maybe a little funny, maybe just a little bit mean. EXAMPLES: Loser Dude, Mr. Wrong, StillLivesWithMom, etc.
* Now change the info in your cell phone and email contacts to the new nickname (Take them off any of your chat lists--keeping them there will just make you crazy!)
* When "Guy Just Not That Into Me" calls, texts or emails, you'll be reminded that he's your EX and maybe decide not to reply!
7.24.2007
Breakup Commandment: No Contact for 60 Days
I'm going to share with you one of the cornerstones of breakup recovery: do not have ANY contact with your ex for 60 days.
This holds true whether you just broke up yesterday, or if it happened months (even years) ago and you are still caught up in it. Take 60 days without seeing them, talking to them on the phone, texting, emailing, looking at their online profiles, sending smoke signals or, yes, even listening to those old voicemail messages you have saved in your cellphone (you thought I didn't know about them, didn't you? ;-).
And of course, you won't be taking their calls, texts, emails, etc. either.
Why no contact? Because after a break-up you're confused. Lots of feelings tend to swirl around, including regret, self-doubt, anger...the kind of feelings that tend to cloud our judgement. If emotional turmoil can be described as muddy waters, the aftermath of a break-up is a veritable Mississipi River Delta after a big storm. And for many of us those troubled waters were already swirling for a while before the actual break-up happened. Time with no contact whatsoever provides the clarity you need in order to remember exactly who you are and find your emotional center.
Why 60 days? There's something about this timeframe that really helps to activate the psychological reset button. I've seen it in practice in clients, friends, and yours truly and it really works. I used to recommend 30 days, but it's really not enough--double that is just right.
Will it be easy to do? Maybe, but probably not. At least in the short term. For some people after the first week or so they find themselves thinking about their ex/relationship a lot less. Some don't even realize when they hit the 60-day mark because they've stopped keeping track at that point. In general it tends to get easier with time, so don't be discouraged if it seems overhwelming at the beginning.
If you end up texting your ex on Day 15, or taking a call from them, it's okay. Just dust yourself off and start fresh -- it's a new Day 1 for you, my friend.
So if you feel challenged in getting over a break-up, I invite to to try this. Feel free to check in with me and let me know how you're doing.
Sincerely, The BreakUp Coach
P.S. Okay, I can hear the questions coming up in your mind already, so here's a few answers off the bat.
Question: But I really just want to be friends! Why do I need to break contact for 60 days and risk damaging our friendship? Won't they be mad at me?
If you're honestly interested in a friendship with your ex then some time apart will actually improve your chances at a having just that, once the emotional fires have cooled a bit. And anyone who is truly interested in being your friend will understand your need to have some time to clear your head and wouldn't blame you for it.
Question: I think my ex may be the love of my life and I have a feeling we will end up together, but what if lose that chance by doing the no-contact thing?
Let's just imagine that you're right. My response is similar to the question above. If you really are meant to be together then some time apart shouldn't really change that. And no matter what you're thinking will happen eventually, clearly things haven't been going well lately or you wouldn't have broken up. Taking 60 days will allow you both to get clear about how you really feel and what you really want, and if you both decide to get back together it will be because you want to, and not because you were scared/confused/etc.
(Note: The more you find yourself objecting to the 60-day idea really strongly and finding reasons why you why shouldn't do it, the more you probably really need to do it. Behind all of those reasons is a fear of loss and letting go. Yeah, I know, likely not what you wanted to hear.)
Question: How will my ex know not to contact me? Isn't it mean to just stop responding to them? And it will be so much harder to stick to my plan if they keep trying and I have to ignore them.
For the sake of clarity, if you wish, you can send them one email in response to their first attempt to contact you (no callbacks or online chats).
Dear (Ex):
I need some time without any contact at all to get clarity, so I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me for a couple of months. Thank you for understanding.
(Your name here)
Question: Can't I just get over it without trying this?
Yes, it may technically be possible to move on with a break-up without taking this step, but it will be more messy, drawn-out, and painful than it needs to be.
Question: What happens after 60 days?
That is really up to you. Now that you have completed your full 60 days you can contact your ex, or decide to respond if they contact you, but you may find that you don't really want to at that point. The cool thing is that you will be able to make that choice with a much clearer, more settled mind.
There are lots more questions that I've heard before and probably some out there I've yet to hear, so fire 'em away if you've got 'em.
In a future blog I will be sharing ideas about how to occupy yourself while you're taking some clarity time and not contacting your ex.
Be Fearless,
The BreakUp Coach
This holds true whether you just broke up yesterday, or if it happened months (even years) ago and you are still caught up in it. Take 60 days without seeing them, talking to them on the phone, texting, emailing, looking at their online profiles, sending smoke signals or, yes, even listening to those old voicemail messages you have saved in your cellphone (you thought I didn't know about them, didn't you? ;-).
And of course, you won't be taking their calls, texts, emails, etc. either.
Why no contact? Because after a break-up you're confused. Lots of feelings tend to swirl around, including regret, self-doubt, anger...the kind of feelings that tend to cloud our judgement. If emotional turmoil can be described as muddy waters, the aftermath of a break-up is a veritable Mississipi River Delta after a big storm. And for many of us those troubled waters were already swirling for a while before the actual break-up happened. Time with no contact whatsoever provides the clarity you need in order to remember exactly who you are and find your emotional center.
Why 60 days? There's something about this timeframe that really helps to activate the psychological reset button. I've seen it in practice in clients, friends, and yours truly and it really works. I used to recommend 30 days, but it's really not enough--double that is just right.
Will it be easy to do? Maybe, but probably not. At least in the short term. For some people after the first week or so they find themselves thinking about their ex/relationship a lot less. Some don't even realize when they hit the 60-day mark because they've stopped keeping track at that point. In general it tends to get easier with time, so don't be discouraged if it seems overhwelming at the beginning.
If you end up texting your ex on Day 15, or taking a call from them, it's okay. Just dust yourself off and start fresh -- it's a new Day 1 for you, my friend.
So if you feel challenged in getting over a break-up, I invite to to try this. Feel free to check in with me and let me know how you're doing.
Sincerely, The BreakUp Coach
P.S. Okay, I can hear the questions coming up in your mind already, so here's a few answers off the bat.
Question: But I really just want to be friends! Why do I need to break contact for 60 days and risk damaging our friendship? Won't they be mad at me?
If you're honestly interested in a friendship with your ex then some time apart will actually improve your chances at a having just that, once the emotional fires have cooled a bit. And anyone who is truly interested in being your friend will understand your need to have some time to clear your head and wouldn't blame you for it.
Question: I think my ex may be the love of my life and I have a feeling we will end up together, but what if lose that chance by doing the no-contact thing?
Let's just imagine that you're right. My response is similar to the question above. If you really are meant to be together then some time apart shouldn't really change that. And no matter what you're thinking will happen eventually, clearly things haven't been going well lately or you wouldn't have broken up. Taking 60 days will allow you both to get clear about how you really feel and what you really want, and if you both decide to get back together it will be because you want to, and not because you were scared/confused/etc.
(Note: The more you find yourself objecting to the 60-day idea really strongly and finding reasons why you why shouldn't do it, the more you probably really need to do it. Behind all of those reasons is a fear of loss and letting go. Yeah, I know, likely not what you wanted to hear.)
Question: How will my ex know not to contact me? Isn't it mean to just stop responding to them? And it will be so much harder to stick to my plan if they keep trying and I have to ignore them.
For the sake of clarity, if you wish, you can send them one email in response to their first attempt to contact you (no callbacks or online chats).
Dear (Ex):
I need some time without any contact at all to get clarity, so I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me for a couple of months. Thank you for understanding.
(Your name here)
Question: Can't I just get over it without trying this?
Yes, it may technically be possible to move on with a break-up without taking this step, but it will be more messy, drawn-out, and painful than it needs to be.
Question: What happens after 60 days?
That is really up to you. Now that you have completed your full 60 days you can contact your ex, or decide to respond if they contact you, but you may find that you don't really want to at that point. The cool thing is that you will be able to make that choice with a much clearer, more settled mind.
There are lots more questions that I've heard before and probably some out there I've yet to hear, so fire 'em away if you've got 'em.
In a future blog I will be sharing ideas about how to occupy yourself while you're taking some clarity time and not contacting your ex.
Be Fearless,
The BreakUp Coach
5.06.2007
When One Door Closes...
When you’re in the midst of dealing with a breakup, it often seems like you’ve lost your chance of being happy and having true love, when in fact the opposite is most likely true. Chances are that by ending this relationship you are actually moving one step closer to true, long-term happiness.
What do I mean by this? Well, when I interviewed people involved in happy, long-term marriages, I found that nearly every single one of them could recount a time when they were miserable and heartbroken over the ending of a previous relationship. But now that they were truly happy in their current marriages, they all expressed gratitude and relief that those previous relationship had ended, allowing them to eventually meet their true loves. If you’re currently dealing with the pain of a breakup and are worried that you’ve lost your chance at happiness, try doing your own survey of people you know who are in happy, long-term relationships. I’ll bet that most of them will be able to remember a time in the past when they felt just like you do now, and will tell you how grateful they now are that that old relationship had ended since otherwise they never would have found their partner!
So take heart in the knowledge that by moving through your current pain you are actually bringing yourself closer to finding a truly loving, fulfilling, and lasting partnership in the future. And I will leave you with one final thought: if we never had to go through breakups then most of us would still be with our boyfriend or girlfriend from junior high. (And if you're just now breaking up with your J.H.S. squeeze, you're just gonna have to trust me that better things are waiting ahead!)
What do I mean by this? Well, when I interviewed people involved in happy, long-term marriages, I found that nearly every single one of them could recount a time when they were miserable and heartbroken over the ending of a previous relationship. But now that they were truly happy in their current marriages, they all expressed gratitude and relief that those previous relationship had ended, allowing them to eventually meet their true loves. If you’re currently dealing with the pain of a breakup and are worried that you’ve lost your chance at happiness, try doing your own survey of people you know who are in happy, long-term relationships. I’ll bet that most of them will be able to remember a time in the past when they felt just like you do now, and will tell you how grateful they now are that that old relationship had ended since otherwise they never would have found their partner!
So take heart in the knowledge that by moving through your current pain you are actually bringing yourself closer to finding a truly loving, fulfilling, and lasting partnership in the future. And I will leave you with one final thought: if we never had to go through breakups then most of us would still be with our boyfriend or girlfriend from junior high. (And if you're just now breaking up with your J.H.S. squeeze, you're just gonna have to trust me that better things are waiting ahead!)
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