Your iPhone as Breakup Buddy: An App That Protects You From Your Drunk-Dialing Self

Too often during a breakup the phone can become our enemy.  It sits there, mocking us with cruel silence while we wait for it to ring with that call from the ex begging us to take him back.  And it's all too willing to enable those ill-conceived calls when we're feeling desperate, drunk, or both (that dreaded double-d).  I suggested one trick to help you prevent this, but it's good to have multiple weapons in your arsenal against that other dreaded double-D, drunk dialing.

That's why an app that actually helps prevent buzzed calling is such a cool idea.  The Bad Decision Blocker is available on iTunes and apparently works by blocking your ability to call selected contacts for a duration of your choosing--good for when you're planning a night on the town or you're anticipating an especially lonely weekend.  You can also choose an option that sends a password to a trusted friend who will decide later when you can be trusted to have control over the phone again.

It does have limits--it can't stop you from dialing the number if you know it by heart, but at least it'll give you a few moments to reconsider as you're punching those keys.


If you don't have an iPhone you can always choose the lower-tech version: hand over your cell to a good friend or trusty bartender until you're in a more rational frame of mind.

Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #5: Dealing with Your Life Online

I'm posting this as Breakover Tip #5 because I'm counting some earlier posts as tips #1-4:
(By the way the No Contact for 60 Days advice is more of a commandment than a tip!)
1. Give your bed a makeover
2. Change up what your nose knows
3. Try doing something for someone else
4. Change your ex's contact info

This tip is about how to be online while going through a breakup and avoid 1)impulsively making contact with your ex in a moment of weakness and 2) spying on your ex online, which can be oh-so tempting yet always manages to make you feel worse--there are few things quite so effective in sucking up your time, energy and self-respect as monitoring your ex online--if you listen closely you might be able to actually HEAR your own life draining away.

Tip #5 is kind of an expansion on tip #4. They share a purpose in helping you avoid contact with your ex, especially the kind you're most likely to regret (like when you're in panic mode after your much younger cousin announces her engagement, or when you've had one (or four) too many mojitos).

So, how do you keep from drunk (or any kind of unplanned) emailing, IM'ing, facebooking, tweeting, and whatever other online communication routes you have that I've probably never even heard of? How do you keep from getting yourself sucked into soul-killing online stalker mode?

In an ideal world you'll detach from them completely. You’ll erase any of their email addresses as well as all of their email messages. You'll de-friend them on Facebook and unfollow them on Twitter. (If we lived in the days of smoke signals I guess you'd be throwing away your kindling and pouring water over the logs). And of course you'll delete them from any instant messenger lists (IM monitoring is an especially good way to torture yourself during a breakup). Full erasure and un-linkage is the online equivalent of quickly ripping off a band-aid or wax strip: it's much better in the long run to just do it and get it over with!

But ok, let's say you're not quite ready to do that. You're still trying to be "just friends" (good luck with that by the way), you need to keep some kind of contact with them because you work or have kids together, or for some other reason you're just not quite ready to let go.

In this case, hiding is your friend. And no, I'm not talking about hiding under the covers, waiting for this whole mess to blow over. I mean online hiding. If you feel you must stay friends with them on Facebook (for now), at the very least you must hide them from your feed so you’re not reminded of their existence every time they post a photo or “become a fan” of swiss cheese. You can do this by floating your curser to the right of one of their updates and a little HIDE box will pop up--you probably knew that already but just in case. There’s usually an option to do something like this for IM programs too--though seriously, please, if at all possible just delete them from those. I don’t know if there’s a Twitter equivalent, so if you’re not ready to unfollow it’s a good idea to take a break or seriously limit your t-time for a while.

In fact, it’s generally a very good idea to keep your time online within limits while you’re in breakup recovery mode. I know I sound like your mom, but try getting up from that monitor and going outside. Read a good book. Learn to knit or something. And if you can, release yourself for a while from any mobile tethers you have by temporarily deleting any Facebook-like applications from your mobile device. Allow yourself some time for escape from all that stuff while you work on moving on with your life. You can always re-install them later.

Whether you choose the rip-off-quickly method or gradual disengagement, the idea is to get yourself unstuck from the past and into a new phase of your life. So don’t let any relationship ghosts lurk too long in your laptop--you need to make room in there for bigger and better things.

Love from your Friend, Fan and Follower,

The Breakup Coach

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Changing Your Ex's Contact Info

If you find yourself pining after your ex, calling them, or taking their calls even when you know you'd be better off not to, try following this tip:

* Pick a nickname for your ex that is non-complimentary, maybe a little funny, maybe just a little bit mean. EXAMPLES: Loser Dude, Mr. Wrong, StillLivesWithMom, etc.

* Now change the info in your cell phone and email contacts to the new nickname (Take them off any of your chat lists--keeping them there will just make you crazy!)

* When "Guy Just Not That Into Me" calls, texts or emails, you'll be reminded that he's your EX and maybe decide not to reply!

Dear Breakup Coach: What does it mean when he drunk dials?

Dear BreakUp Coach,

My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago when he decided that he "needed space" after being together for 3 years. He's called a few different times, usually every couple of weeks, just to say hi and see what I was up to. Every time he calls I'm so happy to hear from him and talk to him, but when we hang up I feel sad and empty, especially since he never mentions anything about getting back together. Then the night before last he called at one in the morning, sounding like he might have been crying, and definitely like he had been drinking. He told me that he missed me and that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. Now I feel all turned around. Is it possible that the alcohol gave him the courage to say what he's been wanting to all along, that he really wants to get back together? What can I do to help him tell me how he's really feeling?

Signed,

Drunk-Dial Desiree

Dear Desiree,

I'm sorry that this experience has you feeling all turned around. Let me see if I can set you on a straighter path. Your EX-boyfriend (NOT your boyfriend--he lost that title when he broke up with you) decided that he didn't want to be with you anymore and that he was willing to potentially lose you forever in order to give himself space. Since then he has been calling you periodically, most likely when he's feeling bored or lonely, maybe to see if you're still available, and probably in order to get a "fix" for his ego and feel better about himself. Maybe he's just a tragically confused person who isn't aware of himself or his feelings.  In a moment of weakness (aka drunkenness) he feels scared and insecure and worries that "maybe he made a mistake", so he calls to tell you that. Let's say it's true--do you really want to be with a guy who needs to be drunk to admit how he really feels about the woman whom he was with for THREE YEARS? Ms. Des, when your ex is able to work up the nerve to call you completely sober and during normal waking hours to tell you (not hint, tell) that he made a mistake breaking up with a woman as wonderful as you are and wants you back, then you may consider entertaining that possibility. Until then, everything he does is just noise, and you need to treat it as such by ignoring it. And no matter what happens, you need to keep moving forward with your life by taking a new class or starting a new sport, starting or changing your exercise routine, and, most importantly, dating other men if you aren't already!

Here's to moving forward,

The Breakup Coach