DO's and DON'Ts for Helping a Friend Through a Breakup

We’ve all been there.  Your friend is heartbroken.  You care about her. You want to be there for her.  You also might, just possibly, be feeling a teensy little bit frustrated with her.  Here are some tips to help you navigate your friend’s breakup and hopefully emerge with the friendship (and your sanity) intact.

DO listen.  It’s one of the most helpful and important things you can do for your friend.  Just listen, nod, and let her know that you hear what she’s saying and that you understand.  It’s so simple and yet so often we don’t do it.

DON’T lecture, preach or give advice unless she asks for it.  This is a trap for both of you and tends to lead to you having the same conversation over and over again, which is an energy drain for both of you. Letting her go over the same thing more or less on her own 2 or 3 times without a lot of input from you is actually more healing for her. And although it may seem challenging at first to just sit and listen, eventually it ends up being less draining for you, too.

DO reach out just to say hi and that you’re thinking of her with calls, texts, emails, etc.  The feeling that there’s a void in contact and communication can be one of the hardest parts of a rough breakup -- remind her that someone really cares.

DON’T compare her current situation with yours from the past. When our own pain is acute, it seems totally special and unique to us.  Let her have her moment. After some time has gone by and her wounds are less fresh, you can swap war stories.

DO set boundaries and take care of yourself.  Yes, it’s helpful to listen, but it’s also okay to take breaks and set limits.  Ask if you can call her back later if you need some time off.  If it’s feeling like all you do is talk about the breakup for hours on end, suggest that you dedicate a certain amount of time that you spend together to talking about it (30 minutes, 15, or whatever seems right, in which time she’ll have your full attention).  After that you both agree to change the subject. Tell her that a psychologist (me) recommends this for her as a way of honoring her feelings while not letting the breakup take over her life by giving it it’s due time in her day, and then moving to something else.

DON’T forget to have fun together.  Just like the breakup shouldn’t take over her own life, it shouldn’t totally highjack your friendship.  Make sure you spend some time doing things you both enjoy, while letting her know that you’ll still be there when she’s feeling sad.  The thing is, often when someone’s going through something difficult, the people around them start to expect them to be “over it” after a certain amount of time, or once they start laughing or having good times again.  Sometimes this keeps them stuck in “woe is me” mode because they’re afraid that if they come out of it for a while, you won’t let them be sad again.  Let her know that you understand that she’s having good AND bad days,  and that you’re there to share both of them with her.

DO feel free to criticize her ex in vague, general terms in her favor when she is angry and venting.  Saying things like, “What a loser!”, “I can’t believe he said that to you, that jerk!” and “He really blew it, big time!” are usually good bets.  

DON’T go overboard with trashing the ex.  Don’t get angrier about him than your friend does, don’t bring up any personal complains you’ve been holding against him, and avoid specific insults or criticisms about his appearance, personality, etc.  These are the ones that tend to come back to haunt you.  On the off chance that your friend ends up getting back together with the guy, you don’t want your comment about his freakishly small, pointy head floating out there, especially if he ends up being the father of her kids!

DO act as a force for sanity and save her from herself when she's about to do something kooky.  See if you can confiscate her phone if you're headed out for "forget him!" cocktails, and hide her keys if she's talking about driving over to confront him at his new girlfriend's house (yikes!).  Tell her that you would definitely want her to do the same for you.  If she's really set on doing something you think is a bad idea, instead of continuing to argue about it just ask her to give it a 24 hour waiting period (it's kind of like buying a gun--but keep that analogy to yourself, since it's probably not a good idea to bring up guns at that point).

DO send her a Breakup Coach E-card to help cheer her up. And if you’ve followed all of this advice and she’s still driving you a little crazy, try sending her a link to my article about being a good friend while you're going through a breakup. It can’t hurt.


The BreakUp Coach

Celebrating Your Independence With Breakup Cake

There is a moment in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun in which a friend of the recently-divorced protagonist tells her that since marriages begin with cake and champagne, they ought to end in the same way.  This is clearly becoming a very popular thought as divorce parties, and now breakup parties, are becoming more and more popular.  

One of the main functions of having a marriage ceremony (and party) is to create a time and space in which the people who care about the couple can demonstrate their support of the union and confer their supportive energy and intentions on the couple.  Many ceremonies involve actually asking the attendees to pledge their support.  A newly single person could certainly use the same kind of support and positive intentions from the people who care about them.  It’s also a way of celebrating the new freedom and opportunities that are now available because of the transition the person is going through.

And nothing says “celebration”  and marks a special occassion quite like a cake.  Caterers have risen to the challenge with lots of interesting takes on the splitting-up theme.  

A very highly publicized and notorious example is shown below, from model / actress / centerfold / reality TV personality Shanna Moakler's divorce party in Las Vegas earlier this year

Okay, I'm all about having fun and celebrating your independence, even with some dark humor thrown in, but this is taking it a bit far, no?  Does your ex really have to bleed for you to have closure? I think we can take a slightly higher road here.

This second one is funny, very creatively rendered and not too scary or violent.  It's also downright unappetizing.  When enjoying a delicious dessert I don't usually like to see depictions of garbage.

Cupcakes are a popular choice for parties of all kinds these days, and the topper is available for sale here in a "caucasian" or "non-caucasian" version.

I like this one.  The bride is triumphant and not even thinking about the groom, much less trying to do him bodily harm.  Queen of the mountain!  This one gets my top vote of the ones depicted. You can find it here. 

But if I were designing a divorce/breakup cake myself I would consider going with a "Bon Voyage" theme depicting the guest of honor triumphant and about to embark on an exciting adventure, with something like this as inspiration:

If the lady in question just happens to be gluten-sensitive, here's a special breakup cake recipe just for her .  It even has a little booze (excellent--well, unless you're supposed to stay away from that too--just leave it out then).

But if you can have booze, make it bubbly!  The  celebration is made complete with this adorable little pink neoprene tote so you can have chilled champagne wherever your fabulous new life takes you.  Plus if you take out the removable interior it can double as a sassy little water-resistant summer purse, especially handy for any seaside or nautical adventures.

Just try not to let the cake turn the celebration into a pity party, as this funny-yet-pathetic confection most likely did for this dude...

Stay sweet,


The BreakUp Coach

(By the way, I don't have any financial stake in this stuff and don't get any commissions or anything from sales, just having fun doing a little shopping, in case you were wondering.)

Your iPhone as Breakup Buddy: An App That Protects You From Your Drunk-Dialing Self

Too often during a breakup the phone can become our enemy.  It sits there, mocking us with cruel silence while we wait for it to ring with that call from the ex begging us to take him back.  And it's all too willing to enable those ill-conceived calls when we're feeling desperate, drunk, or both (that dreaded double-d).  I suggested one trick to help you prevent this, but it's good to have multiple weapons in your arsenal against that other dreaded double-D, drunk dialing.

That's why an app that actually helps prevent buzzed calling is such a cool idea.  The Bad Decision Blocker is available on iTunes and apparently works by blocking your ability to call selected contacts for a duration of your choosing--good for when you're planning a night on the town or you're anticipating an especially lonely weekend.  You can also choose an option that sends a password to a trusted friend who will decide later when you can be trusted to have control over the phone again.

It does have limits--it can't stop you from dialing the number if you know it by heart, but at least it'll give you a few moments to reconsider as you're punching those keys.


If you don't have an iPhone you can always choose the lower-tech version: hand over your cell to a good friend or trusty bartender until you're in a more rational frame of mind.

Professional Breakup Recovery Services

I'm getting more frequent requests for this information, so to make it easier for anyone interested in hiring me as their personal breakup coach, here are the professional services I offer:


Initial phone consultation with assessment. The client receives and completes a detailed questionnaire to submit to me for review before our session so I will have your background and be ready to get to work for our call.  

(50 minutes) Investment: 95 US

Follow-up phone sessions (Available after initial consultation; 25 minutes). Investment: 55 US (no limit on number of sessions a client may request)

Special Break-up Package*

Initial phone consultation, plus 3 follow-up sessions, plus up to 6 support email exchanges during the 28 days following initial consultation (8 total)  Investment: 250 US

Email Only Package

Client receives and completes a detailed questionnaire to submit to me for review.  I will respond over email with an assessment and recommendations for you.  I will be available for 6 follow-up consultations over email during the 28 days following initial consultation. Investment: 110 US

In all individual services I use my education and training as a doctoral-level psychologist and certified life coach to help my clients get through the pain of their breakup or divorce and prepare themselves to move on to a new chapter in their lives with more wisdom, confidence and self-understanding.  If you're ready to work on getting yourself unstuck from the pain of the past and move into a place of empowerment and self-acceptance, my services may be right for you.

If you're interested in working together or would like more information, contact me via email at SashaCarratFearlessLivingdotorg (just substitute the words "at" and "dot" with "@" and ".")


FYI: All services are paid in advance securely online using a credit card or PayPal account.

Don't Believe the Reverse-a-Breakup Hype

A lot of people looking for help or advice about a breakup search for it online; that might be how you found me in the first place.  Unfortunately a lot of the “help” offered is a marketing scheme designed to prey on the vulnerability and insecurity that we naturally tend to feel in the midst of a breakup in order to squeeze us for some of our hard-earned cash.

If you try googling or doing a twitter search for phrases like “breakup help” or “ex-boyfriend”, here are some of the most common results you’ll get:

“Proven techniques to reverse your breakup for just $19.95!”

“Get your ex back in your arms in 5 easy steps!”

or my favorite:

“Dirty psychological tricks to get your ex-boyfriend back”

Oh great, sign me up.  Using dirty tricks to try to get someone to fall back in love with me sounds like a fantastic idea.    With a foundation like that you’re sure to build a healthy relationship (you can’t see me so you’ll have to just picture me rolling my eyes).  And of course I’m sure it’s foolproof, because when do deception, manipulation and desperation NOT pay off in relationships, right?

So let’s say I go to the site to find out more about this brilliant, amazing, can’t-fail system, what then?  Usually I get something that looks sort of like an advice site, but which basically is funneling me toward buying a downloadable eBook for somewhere between 11.99 and 29.95.  In it I’ll find some really cutting-edge strategies like playing it cool and making them jealous by flirting with other people.  These original gems will be served up in a typo-filled document that looks like it took the author a couple of hours or so to write.

The fact that this kind of stuff populates the internet and clogs up the “breakup” search column on my tweetdeck speaks to how vulnerable and, yes, desperate many of us can feel at one point or another during a breakup.  The fact that there’s so much of it out there means that someone is buying this stuff, even though a) it’s not particularly insightful or useful and b) even if it did work it would at best be a temporary fix that would backfire in the long run.  

To continue with a cigarette analogy used in a previous entry, these pitches are kind of like offering to sell you a 75%-off coupon on a lifetime supply of cigarettes while you’re trying to quit but are currently in serious (and temporary) withdrawal.  Just when you’re having a major jones for those smokes, even though you know they aren’t good for you, up pops this tantalizing offer to give you all the butts you’d ever want at a serious discount!  Why not pony up a few bucks for it?  The problem, as I’ve mentioned, is that even if the store accepts that coupon (which it almost definitely won’t), you’ve just bought an express ticket to lung cancer, heart disease and premature wrinkles.  And no, trying to trick your ex into taking you back won’t give you lung cancer, but it sure is likely to give you heartbreak and a few new worry lines.

It’s such an obvious truth but one that bears repeating: if your ex broke up with you, it was for a reason. If you broke up with them, it was also for a reason.  Maybe, and it’s a BIG maybe, in some cases, once in a while, there was a misunderstanding or conflict that the two of you might be able to resolve.  But that stuff doesn’t get fixed by using strategies or tricks; it requires communication, negotiation, and openness.  And it almost always needs to start by giving each other some major space for each of you to sort your own heads and hearts out. 

And in the vast majority of cases the solution is to take some space, learn from your experiences and mistakes, and move on.  It may hurt in the short run, so take care of yourself and get support from people who care about you.  Use other resources like the books I recommend here.  Hopefully some of the advice I offer  (along with other reputable sites out there)  will help too. Just try to avoid the snake-oil internet salesman if you can and use those bucks to treat yourself to a pedicure instead--it’ll do you more good.


You're so money and you don't even know it,


The Breakup Coach

"Everything I Need to Know I Learned From...": Using Breakup Advice to Deal with Other Life Issues

I wanted to share this great post on B.oB.'s running blog which uses a breakup analogy to explain what a running injury is like.  Not only is it clever but it's a good reminder of something that comes up all the time in my conversations as The Breakup Coach: "breakups" don't just happen in romantic relationships.  We end up having a lot of the same feelings and problems when there's conflict or breaking off with our friends, our jobs, a favorite activity (like B.o.B's running), and lots of other life situations.


Just this morning a friend who's quitting smoking was tweeting about how much she missed it and was comparing her jones for her favorite brand to missing an ex-boyfriend.  It reminded me of a comment on an old BUC blog post from back in the MySpace days (Remember MySpace?  Soooo early millennium, isn't it?)  In our discussion of why it's important to take a break from contacting your ex I wrote:

...and if you were quitting smoking you wouldn't have cigarrettes at home, hang out at a lot of places where people are smoking cigarrettes, or call the cigarettes "just to see how they're doing", right?

It cuts both ways. Since we have the same feelings and experiences (and make a lot of the same mistakes) in a bunch of situations outside of romantic relationships, we get to use a lot of the same knowledge and nifty tricks to deal with them.


Even if you're not going through a romantic breakup you just might find some of the advice here helpful--so use it wherever it works for you, ok?


The Breakup Coach

What Not to Wear During a Breakup: Just Say No to Sweatpants

I  came across this (very) darkly funny video about sweatpants as a breakup uniform from Comedy Central's Michael and Michael Have Issues (note: this is PG-13 content and not for the easily offended)

Michael & Michael Have Issues
Break-Up Sweatpants
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Of course it's not at all funny to think of anyone going after their ex with a gun, but it does echo a few of my recent posts about Craxy-Ex Syndrome and Why I'm a Breakup Coach .  There's even a reference to going into his ex's email account.  And it's fitting because I'm writing an article about what to wear during your breakup to help make you feel better, and Michael and Michael are doing a great job here of showing what not to wear!


Stay tuned for the Breakup Coach's Breakover Wardrobe Guide.  In the meantime, try to save the sweatpants for the gym.

Breakover-Breakup-Recovery Tip #7: Seeing things differently

Ok, so if you're getting over a breakup then hopefully you’ve already made some changes by following my previous breakover tips. By this point you've given your bed a makeover and you've also changed up what your nose knows. In fact, hopefully you've read all of the posts that come up when you click the "breakover" link to the right.


Now you're ready to do some changin' and rearrangin’ elsewhere. This time we’re going for VISUAL changes. When your eyes take in an environment that you see frequently and things look different, your mind registers the change and your experience feels newer and fresher, even if you don’t consciously realize it. So move a few things in your living space around. Pick at least 3 of these (extra credit if you do more and/or think of some changes of your own)


Switch the pictures around on the walls.


Rearrange your books on their shelves (This is a really good one--you have no idea how much your brain registers the order of those books, especially if they’ve been set up the same way for a long time).


Shift a rug or rugs around to a new position or angle--if it’s straight across try a jaunty diagonal for a while.


Move the TV to a new spot, even if it’s one foot to the left or the right.


Mirrors are a good choice for moving--that way you can see yourself in a new light (ok, that one was cheesy, I admit it)


If you can, move your bed so it’s facing in a new direction; at least try shifting it a foot or two to one side.


If the blinds are usually closed, open them; or switch the curtains between two different rooms.


Sit in a different place to eat. If you usually sit on the couch, sit at the table or vice versa.


If you have one, shift your work or study space around as much as you can. Put a new screensaver on your monitor. This one is especially good if you go to an office or other location to work since now you'll have 2 different places where you see things differently.


With each change you will be taking a step toward rewiring your brain for the fabulous new life you're transitioning into. As you do that, you'll be more open to new experiences, new adventures, and eventually, new love.


*Special thanks to Angie Lusk, advice-giver extraordinaire, for coming up with some of the change suggestions above. You can check out her excellent blog here