Random Acts of Coolness: Helping Strangers is Good for You

Sometimes when we're going through a rough patch it makes us feel better to do something good for someone else. As I mentioned in another essay, it helps get us out of our own "stuff" for a while when we focus on other people, plus it can give you a little sense of accomplishment in addition to the natural good feeling that comes from making someone else happy. And one very cool, selfless way to help someone else is to do something nice for strangers, anonymously.

That's one reason why I think Operation Beautiful is so cool. It's a grassroots movement in which women are leaving encouraging sticky notes on the mirrors in ladies rooms and other public spaces. The most common message is that you're beautiful (amazing, gorgeous, fantastic) just the way you are. I left my first note (in photo below) yesterday; it won't be the last. People also submit photos of their notes AND notes they find to the website.

From Notes From BreakUp Land

Why not add it to your breakup recovery to-do list? It's so easy--you can pre-write a few on a pack of post-its and carry it in your bag for when the moment presents itself and start spreading the word at starbucks, the library, the DMV and any other random place where you use the ladies room. And, if you can, post some pics on operation beautiful and add links here, too. You'll inspire others and spread the love even more.

I guarantee you will feel a little lighter if you do.

Stay gorgeous,

The Breakup Coach

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Between the Sheets: The Bed Makeover (Breakover)

If you're going through a breakup here's an important assignment for your breakover (it’s like a makeover except not quite as fun, at least at first. But you WILL feel and look better by the end of the program if you follow the assignments, promise!)

Even if your ex never even saw your bed (except in their dreams), this is probably where you lay talking with them on the phone late at night, fantasizing about them, and so on.  And if he was ever actually under those covers, well… In any case, a good bed makeover is key to any breakover program--out with the old and in with the new so that you don't feel stuck in the past.  If you can afford it, splurge on some new sheets and a quilt or duvet cover.  And how about some fresh new pillows?  New colors/ patterns are key. If you REALLY love the stuff on your bed you can just stash it away for a couple of months while you're on the program.  And if you're strapped for cash, think about asking a friend, roommate or family member to swap with you. You’ll also want to change the way your bed smells by washing those sheets with new detergent a la my advice about the importance of changing the scents you're exposed to.

Now that your bed is all fresh and new, it's time to change your place in it.  If you usually sleep on the left side, slide right on over to the right — or better yet, spread out in the middle and give yourself a good, long stretch.  Someday, when you're blissfully happy with the future love of your life, they still may kick you in your sleep, snore or steal the covers.  Hey, nobody's perfect! For now, enjoy your temporary freedom.


Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Scents, Memory and Moving On (or "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair")

Of our five senses, smell is the one most tied to memory. A particular smell can bring us back to other times, places, and people in our lives in an instant.

There's a scientific basis for this, since apparently the areas of the brain that deal with smell, memory and emotion are all closely connected. Some of the top researchers who study this stuff are faculty at The Breakup Coach's very own alma mater, Brown University--including Dr. Rachel Herz, who wrote a very interesting and readable book on the topic called The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell.

Anyway, it's no wonder that the smells that we associate with a recent ex, or the relationship, can stir such strong feelings in us.

In any case, if you are dealing with a breakup it makes sense to "follow your nose" as you work through your stuff about the relationship and start moving forward with your life. Here are a couple of thoughts, depending on your situation.

Aromatherapy Boot Camp

If you're feeling stuck on your ex and having trouble moving on from the relationship, change some of the scents that are part of your daily life. Because we use these products daily, they form a kind of olfactory backdrop for our lives that our brains register unconsciously. Making the switch will help train your brain to start focusing on the fresh, new future ahead of you.

I suggest you change at least 3 of the following scented items: shampoo; soap/shower gel; deodorant; body lotion; laundry detergent (this is a really good one as it affects the smell of your sheets as well as your clothes). If you're strapped for cash try doing a swap with a friend (maybe not the deodorant, but the other stuff would be okay). If cash isn't an issue but you hate wasting, try giving your old stuff away to a shelter where they are always in need of personal care products.

Also since a lot of what we associate with taste is really smell you might also try switching your morning cereal or your regular coffee drink.

Full Immersion Sob Session

OK, this one is only for those of us who are having trouble getting in touch with our feelings. You know, that friend who insists she's ready to move on and start dating just a couple of hours after getting left at the alter, after her fiance ran off with her sister (or her brother!)?

For this one you're intentionally bringing yourself into the memories by exposing yourself to smells associated with the relationship. Get hold of some of your ex's brand of shampoo, cologne, detergent, etc. Sniff some of the same wine you shared on that special anniversary night. Pop a slice of their favorite bread in the toaster. One friend actually slept for several nights on the pillowcase which her ex had recently vacated--if you have access to anything like this and you've been holding back from feeling anything, give it a go, but for ONE night. Then have yourself a good, long cry.

Remember, this is only for those of us who haven't given ourselves a chance to feel the loss of the relationship--the majority of us have already cried enough tears and need to start exposing ourselves to new scents.

So grab that new bottle of shampoo, crank up the soundtrack to South Pacific, and lather away!

Copyright Sasha Carr 2009

Dear BreakUp Coach: Why Give Up My Social Life Because of My Ex?

Dear BreakUp Coach,

I'm trying to figure out whether I should go to a party at my ex-boyfriend's fraternity this weekend. We broke up two weeks ago and I have been pretty devastated by it, especially since it came as a big suprise to me because we were pretty serious and I thought things were going really well. Since we broke up he won't really talk to me and didn't call me back when I tried to call him and sent him a text message. The thing is, this is a really big party and my friends will be going, and I will feel like I am giving up and kind of like a loser if I don't go. I really want to prove that I'm okay and that I can move on without him. It will probably feel really weird to see him, but why should I not go, just because he decided to break up with me? That doesn't seem fair, don't you think? Why should I give up my whole social life because of him?

Signed,

Confused Co-Ed



Dear Confused,

I absolutely agree that there is no reason to give up your whole social life because of a break-up. Yet this is ONE party we're talking about. You mention that you've taken the break-up rather hard and that it's only been two weeks. While I strongly believe that you will recover from this and move on with your life soon, it's still pretty early days. If you were in a class or an organization together and likely to run into him I wouldn't encourage you to skip out on your own interests and commitments to avoid seeing him, but why not give yourself a little more time to recover and get your strength back before going to a party at his fraternity at which he will be on his "turf" and surrounded by his friends, and where you're probably not going to enjoy yourself? What if you didn't have to "prove" anything to him or anyone else, but actually gave yourself a chance to process your feelings so you could really move on rather than just pretend that you're okay? Are ALL of your friends going to that one party, or can you make your own alternative plans for this weekend? After you've given yourself some more time to get over it, then you might decide to go to hang out at his fraternity because you actually think you'll have a good time, rather than because you feel like you have to prove something.


Fearlessly,

The BreakUp Coach