Breakover (Breakup Recovery) Tip #6: Take Note of the Love You Have

A breakup can leave you feeling lonely and unloved. Yet is all the love in your life gone because one relationship ended?


Today you're invited to take note of all of the love that is in your life, right now in this moment.  Take out a pen and paper (or open a document in your computer) and write a list of the people who love you--family, friends, mentors, teachers. Go ahead, start it now. 




And whether the list in front of you at the moment is long, short, or blank, I know that the real list is infinite if you're willing to really SEE the love all around you. You can start by expanding your definition of love to include all the acts of loving kindness that people extend to you today.  When a friend calls just to say hello, that's love.  When a coworker grabs an extra cup of coffee and puts in creamer just how you like it? Love.  When a stranger holds the door open for you and smiles.  How about when your dog lets out a contented sigh while resting his head on your knee? Love, love, love!  And if you were to sit there and add up all of the love you've received over your lifetime you'd go through a pile of pens, clog your hard drive, and develop a serious case of writer's cramp--though you'd feel so darn full of love you probably wouldn't notice.  


And the really beautiful things is, the more love you're able to see that you already have in your life, right now in this moment, the closer you are to having a romantic life that fills your heart even more.  Love attracts love, abundance attracts abundance, and gratitude attracts more things to be grateful for. So where are you willing to see the love that is already right in front of you? Where are you willing to be more loving toward the people who are available right now to receive it from you?


Love really is all around,


The Breakup Coach

Why I'm a Breakup Coach

I’ve been asked why I chose to specialize in helping people dealing with breakups. It started by accident, or according to fate, depending on how you see it. A few years ago while working as a clinical psychologist in private practice, I found myself with a full caseload in which 15 of the 17 clients I was seeing were women who were either going through a breakup or divorce, or on the verge of a breakup of divorce. Although I hadn’t been seeking them out intentionally, they had come to me through one channel or another. I seemed to have knack for helping them, which was good. I noticed that the majority of them were smart, educated and generally psychologically healthy women who found themselves in a complete emotional tailspin over a broken or unravelling relationship. For most of them it was the first time they had ever been in counseling.


When I thought about it I realized that I'd just learned on a professional level something I had long known personally: that breakups are probably the one thing in life most likely to make otherwise basically healthy people feel and act pretty darn crazy. I had seen this play out not just with my clients, but with my friends. And, looking back, I have to say that a couple of my worst breakups have made me do some of the weirdest and most dangerous things in my own life. That’s true even though they definitely are not the worst thing to ever happen. The death of my younger sister, my grandmother’s suicide, even my father’s departure in early childhood, were greater losses. But they didn’t lead me to feel out of control the way my worst breakup did, nor did I react to them by doing things that I would now look back on and cringe. Suffice to say I could have used my own breakup coach back in the day. I think many women would say the same.


And it doesn’t matter how smart you are, how successful, how beautiful, or cool--a bad breakup is likely to make you lose it on some level. Somewhere right now there is probably a multimillionaire former model with a book deal and a shelf full of humanitarian awards who’s huddled on her couch in 2-day-old pajamas, crying over some guy who has broken her heart. She’s just called him and hung up for the third time, and she hates herself for doing it but she’s been logging into his account and reading his emails (he once revealed that he used his childhood dog’s name as a password). Now she’s feeling heartbroken AND ashamed of herself (two tastes that do NOT taste great together).


It’s true that love (and therefore heartbreak) will likely always make us a little crazy sometimes. It’s a price we pay for keeping our hearts open, and the expense is worth it. But I also believe we can minimize the damage and unnecessary suffering that often come along for the ride. Heartbreak may make us feel crazy, but that doesn’t mean we always have to act crazy as a result, and end up doing things that just end up making us more unhappy. I can only imagine, if we could add them all up, the number of work days missed (never mind all the FUN days), pounds gained, friendships damaged, dogs left un-played with, adventures unexplored, opportunities unrecognized, all because of people not being able to get over their ex. The numbers would be staggering. And that's not even mentioning the really serious fallout that sometimes happens.


So I guess the answer to “why breakups” is that, aside from being kind of kind of good at it, I believe that it’s a place where a lot of good can be done. If the legions of really wonderful, amazing women out there could experience love -- and heartbreak -- with a little less kookiness, slightly fewer drunk dials, gallons of ice cream mechanically eaten, and other things they’ll wish later they hadn’t done, what could they accomplish with all of that reclaimed energy? The sky’s the limit. And that thought warms my heart, inspires creativity, and gives me a deep sense of purpose. As I’ve said before, if we have to go through breakups, we may as well do it in style, and its an honor to help so many amazing, inspiring women out there do just that.


With gratitude,


The Breakup Coach

No Man-Haters in This She-Woman Club (Only Evil Ex-Boyfriends Need Beware)

I'm working on a new site that, along with advice and resources, will have some jokes and comments that'll take shots at a specific group of men: ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands. This might mistakenly give the impression that it's a man-hating website. To that I say, au contraire, mon frere!

In the Breakup Coach's circle (aka the Breakup Babes) we LOVE men. We have wonderful fathers, brothers, sons, friends--some of us have great boyfriends and husbands too. Our intention with this site is to provide a safe and fun place to vent and do what we need to do to get over relationships that are ending, so everyone can move on.

It’s good for women because it lets us work through our anger and move on to a better, happier place. It’s better for the men who will love us in the future (let’s get this stuff out now so the next guy doesn’t have to pay for our past struggles). It’s better for all the dads, brothers, and male friends who love us right now but who don’t have any idea what to do or say when we burst into tears for the tenth time in front of them; they can send us here!

Heck, it's even better for the ex’s who are no longer really in our lives (you know, the ones we’re making fun of?). If we’re venting about them, making jokes at their expense and drawing doodles on their pictures in a supportive, structured environment we’re a whole lot less likely to drunk dial them or key their car (not that any Breakup Babe would ever, EVER do anything like that. They're WAAAY too classy and high-road for that, but they might THINK about it once in a while)

I did make the choice to gear the new site toward women for now to provide focus and a stronger sense of community, though I'll continue to work with men individually and I'll still answer guys' questions on my advice column. Down the line I'd like to create a brother site to the Breakup Babes. So no, we don't hate men. Some readers of this blog and supporters of The Breakup Coach are guys. And just like in that deodorant commercial, a lot of the stuff on the new site will work for a man even though it's made for a woman. So guys, just ignore those jokes and embrace your innner Babe.

Here's to all the good guys,

The Breakup Coach

Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Between the Sheets: The Bed Makeover (Breakover)

If you're going through a breakup here's an important assignment for your breakover (it’s like a makeover except not quite as fun, at least at first. But you WILL feel and look better by the end of the program if you follow the assignments, promise!)

Even if your ex never even saw your bed (except in their dreams), this is probably where you lay talking with them on the phone late at night, fantasizing about them, and so on.  And if he was ever actually under those covers, well… In any case, a good bed makeover is key to any breakover program--out with the old and in with the new so that you don't feel stuck in the past.  If you can afford it, splurge on some new sheets and a quilt or duvet cover.  And how about some fresh new pillows?  New colors/ patterns are key. If you REALLY love the stuff on your bed you can just stash it away for a couple of months while you're on the program.  And if you're strapped for cash, think about asking a friend, roommate or family member to swap with you. You’ll also want to change the way your bed smells by washing those sheets with new detergent a la my advice about the importance of changing the scents you're exposed to.

Now that your bed is all fresh and new, it's time to change your place in it.  If you usually sleep on the left side, slide right on over to the right — or better yet, spread out in the middle and give yourself a good, long stretch.  Someday, when you're blissfully happy with the future love of your life, they still may kick you in your sleep, snore or steal the covers.  Hey, nobody's perfect! For now, enjoy your temporary freedom.


Copyright 2009 by Sasha Carr

Scents, Memory and Moving On (or "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair")

Of our five senses, smell is the one most tied to memory. A particular smell can bring us back to other times, places, and people in our lives in an instant.

There's a scientific basis for this, since apparently the areas of the brain that deal with smell, memory and emotion are all closely connected. Some of the top researchers who study this stuff are faculty at The Breakup Coach's very own alma mater, Brown University--including Dr. Rachel Herz, who wrote a very interesting and readable book on the topic called The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell.

Anyway, it's no wonder that the smells that we associate with a recent ex, or the relationship, can stir such strong feelings in us.

In any case, if you are dealing with a breakup it makes sense to "follow your nose" as you work through your stuff about the relationship and start moving forward with your life. Here are a couple of thoughts, depending on your situation.

Aromatherapy Boot Camp

If you're feeling stuck on your ex and having trouble moving on from the relationship, change some of the scents that are part of your daily life. Because we use these products daily, they form a kind of olfactory backdrop for our lives that our brains register unconsciously. Making the switch will help train your brain to start focusing on the fresh, new future ahead of you.

I suggest you change at least 3 of the following scented items: shampoo; soap/shower gel; deodorant; body lotion; laundry detergent (this is a really good one as it affects the smell of your sheets as well as your clothes). If you're strapped for cash try doing a swap with a friend (maybe not the deodorant, but the other stuff would be okay). If cash isn't an issue but you hate wasting, try giving your old stuff away to a shelter where they are always in need of personal care products.

Also since a lot of what we associate with taste is really smell you might also try switching your morning cereal or your regular coffee drink.

Full Immersion Sob Session

OK, this one is only for those of us who are having trouble getting in touch with our feelings. You know, that friend who insists she's ready to move on and start dating just a couple of hours after getting left at the alter, after her fiance ran off with her sister (or her brother!)?

For this one you're intentionally bringing yourself into the memories by exposing yourself to smells associated with the relationship. Get hold of some of your ex's brand of shampoo, cologne, detergent, etc. Sniff some of the same wine you shared on that special anniversary night. Pop a slice of their favorite bread in the toaster. One friend actually slept for several nights on the pillowcase which her ex had recently vacated--if you have access to anything like this and you've been holding back from feeling anything, give it a go, but for ONE night. Then have yourself a good, long cry.

Remember, this is only for those of us who haven't given ourselves a chance to feel the loss of the relationship--the majority of us have already cried enough tears and need to start exposing ourselves to new scents.

So grab that new bottle of shampoo, crank up the soundtrack to South Pacific, and lather away!

Copyright Sasha Carr 2009

Frogs and Princes

Just about all of us are going to encounter many "Frogs" in this life. Encountering them and letting them fall away in order to make room for the "Prince" who will eventually appear is part of normal life.

I say this not from a place of cynicism, but with absolute faith in this process as an integral part of your journey in finding true love and ultimate happiness.

The lessons you learn in dealing with and totally letting go of your "Frogs" will help you recognize, appreciate, and open your heart to your own "Prince" when he appears.

So appreciate the "Frogs" for the lesson they are here to teach you. Thank them and let them move on. And know that you and your "Prince" will meet when you are ready.

Go get 'em, Princess!

The Breakup Coach